your problems are bad. not unique. WAS need to think in absolute negatives in order to be okay with their decisions. it hurts, i know. your C is right, there has to be change for any change to occur.
change you. if he sees it great! if not, his loss. my W hasnt seemed to notice my changes either. i have though. i like where i am going. i really wish she was going there with me. i guess she has her ow path to walk right now and its not with me. it hurts less and less every day. if you are changing for him, nothing will change. i tried that. didnt go so well.
you can only be you. somewhere there is a great person. you are blind to her because of the pain. look beyond it. look to you. who you want to be. who you can be. it will make a difference. how, is up to god. keep your head up. never give up. you only fail when you qui trying.
Thanks, Dakota, for your reply. You're right. I need to change for me.
I know how to change by doing other things, but I don't know how to change the inherent facets of my personality. Not to say that I want to change my personality, or that I CAN change my personality, but I just don't know what it is exactly that I can do differently in terms of the day-to-day. Like, I understand smiling and being happy and upbeat. But that seems so simple. I mean, what can I change about my outlook? Yesterday, we were watching TV, so I tried to laugh at some parts, (even though I didn't see them to be particularly funny) which was out of the ordinary for me, I think, I tend to not really express how I'm feeling around husband, but he didn't notice/care. Even when he has been rude/snide, I've been trying to let it just roll off my shoulders. I mean, I guess those are changes, right? He really is just thinking in complete negatives. Everything is horrible and bad.
It's not going to happen over night, so try to be patient. Don't let yourself get upset (or at least don't show it!). He's going to need some time to work thru what he wants, and he's going to have to believe your changes are real and not temporary.
I struggle with the patience myself, so I know how difficult it is. I've been working on myself for over a year now and my wife still hasn't committed to working on the marriage. She hasn't left, but is still confused. It takes time to trust again, to be willing to take the risk again. Don't give him any more reasons to distance himself from you.
I've been really trying hard with the "not getting upset" thing. It's really difficult.
The thing about this is that he is leaving to move back to Australia in December. So I will be in New York, and he will be as far away as possible. I feel like I don't have time to work things through. He isn't just confused, he has decided that he is leaving. For good and forever. I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time, Breakdown. I hope that she sees the changes you're making soon and works with you. It's so frustrating that there is not more that we can do.
You are still focusing on YOU: your fears, your feelings, your desire for an immediate solution.
If you want to focus on yourself, focus on: what you can control, your areas of your personality that can be improved (impatience, self-centeredness, lack of empathy, depressive and obsessive thoughts), failure to listen.
We all have things to work on. Stop trying to work on him and start working only on you.
You've only been at this a VERY SHORT TIME. And half of that time you've wanted to give up. Go back and read all the advice that's been given to you. Then follow it.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
You are right. I have to focus on changing the bad stuff about myself. There's clearly a lot of it, haha. I'm seeing an individual counselor next Tuesday evening. I'm looking forward to that. Then I'll probably schedule another session with Chuck for the following week.
Do you guys have any other suggestions for books to read? I'd like to get the co-dependent book, but I've passed by some other suggestions and failed to write them down.
What do I do if he doesn't want to even talk to me or just leaves the room as soon as I come in? He appears to always be depressed and unhappy. Should I ask him if he is ok or if he wants to talk?
no, that would be pursuing. don't pursue. if he doesn't want to talk, then don't talk. smile, say hello, and get on with your life.
so he's depressed and unhappy? that would be normal in this situation. it doesn't mean you have to be. show him that you can be happy no matter what he's like. if you can't stand to be around his moods, then leave and go somewhere. take control of yourself.
stop analyzing everything about HIM and analyze YOU. you're watching him too closly and tying your feelings to his and his actions, moods, etc.
DETACH, DETACH, DETACH. i know it's hard. nothing worth having is easy. are you up to it?
good luck! i'm on your side. everyone here is.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Ok, here's another question. Last night after we ate, he was pissy, and I could tell. I got up and went into the bedroom without saying anything. Should I say, like, "I'm going to hang out in the bedroom and read!" or should I just get up and go, like I did?
no, that would be pursuing. don't pursue. if he doesn't want to talk, then don't talk. smile, say hello, and get on with your life.
so he's depressed and unhappy? that would be normal in this situation. it doesn't mean you have to be. show him that you can be happy no matter what he's like. if you can't stand to be around his moods, then leave and go somewhere. take control of yourself.
stop analyzing everything about HIM and analyze YOU. you're watching him too closly and tying your feelings to his and his actions, moods, etc.
DETACH, DETACH, DETACH. i know it's hard. nothing worth having is easy. are you up to it?
good luck! i'm on your side. everyone here is.
Yeah, it's true. When you microanalyze everything they do you will never be happy. You do tie your feelings to how your treated, detach is better for you and gives you a chance with them if you where to have one.
