We lost the spark. How do I live with this guilt?

[Breakdown]

I think it's important to learn to forgive...not just others, but yourself. I have come to terms with my own shortcomings thru a combination of logic (the comments Cyrena made on upbringing ring loud and clear in my mind!) and faith.

Sometimes my wife tells me "I wish I would have threatened to leave you 10 years ago so you would have learned all this then, and we could have enjoyed the last 10 years." And I respond, had you threatened to leave 10 years ago, I'd have probably said "see ya!" I wasn't ready to change then, I wasn't ready to open up and wasn't willing to see things different. Things happen when they do for a reason.

[sophiedaphne]

Thanks, MrBond.

I'd like to try the recipe idea. Although I think he'll just get annoyed that I'm making noise in the kitchen, because if he gets home late, he wants to go straight to sleep.

I texted him a simple message, "If you're stopping off at home first before we meet tonight can you please pick up the checkbook?" He said sure, so I just said thank you. That's simple enough, right?

When I greet him tonight, I am going to SMILE. Chuck said this was most important. Today, I wore my hair in a way I've never worn it (or haven't worn it this way in at least a year). I put on a new pair of earrings. I look weird (haha) but different. I think in a good way. I think it will surprise him GREATLY.

It is so difficult to figure out what will work, because he has been so stoic. No emotion, at all. Just monotonous and uninterested and flat. I can't break him yet.

[sophiedaphne]

Hi Breakdown,
Forgiving him has been easy. I forgive every mistake he has made in this relationship.

It is, indeed, forgiving myself that I am struggling with. It is getting a little bit better. I haven't broken down and started crying today (yet).

I am making small changes, I think. I feel, finally, like I have things to look forward to. I think my outlook is slowly changing for the better. I just want him to see that. I am concerned that counseling will cause a backslide, but I guess we haven't made enough progress for it to matter.

[MrBond]

"he'll just get annoyed that I'm making noise in the kitchen, because if he gets home late, he wants to go straight to sleep."

Stop walking on eggshells around him. Do what YOU want to do. Besides I'm sure there's a time you can cook something during a period he's awake. Lunch, breakfast, whatever.

"I texted him a simple message, "If you're stopping off at home first before we meet tonight can you please pick up the checkbook?" He said sure, so I just said thank you. That's simple enough, right?"

That's the right way.

"It is so difficult to figure out what will work, because he has been so stoic. No emotion, at all. Just monotonous and uninterested and flat. I can't break him yet."

Again, don't overthink. Start off small. Think about this way. He's built up this huge wall and you're like a big wave outside trying to batter it down. Each time you hit the wall, he fortifies it. Become more like a small stream. Instead of hitting his wall head-on, you find cracks and crevices to get through. Eventually you start to wear those down and so does the wall. Small actions with big impact. That's what you go for.

[sophiedaphne]

MrBond, thanks so much. I guess it's a matter of figuring out what small things to work on.

Do you have any advice for marriage counseling tonight?

[MrBond]

Let your H speak. Listen and hold your tongue even when there's something you disagree with. Validate his feelings. Then talk about how you feel and not how "he makes you feel". Remember that HE can't make you feel anything you don't want to. Only you can.

Also, don't say the word 'but'. Like when he says something and you say "I understand how you feel, BUT..." The word 'but' negates everything he says prior to it. It shows that you weren't listening. Let him get whatever he needs to off his chest and don't contradict it. He has a right to feel how he feels. Say things like "I can understand how you could feel that way." or if he says something that you know isn't true, say "I don't recall it being like that myself, and I can understand how you felt hurt when I did...."

Then start going into things that you admire about him. Not too over the top, but you need to show him some positives. Don't beg or plead and follow the basic DB principles.

Most importantly, be strong. It will be tough, but you can do it.

[sophiedaphne]

MrBond, thank you.

I feel so incredibly selfish for asking you all of these questions, but just know how much it means to me.

Just one more before I go.

What if he decides not to say anything? Or what if he decides that he won't go first and essentially makes me say everything? Do I list the things that I feel I have done wrong? Is that the approach that would work best? I am really concerned that he won't say anything while we're there, which I guess is a possibility. How should I approach that?

[MrBond]

No problem.

Let the C guide the two of you. That's his job. Don't list the things that you believe you've done wrong. The whole point is to get HIM to open up. And besides you could be off about what you think is wrong (even if he told you the things that went wrong, it could have just been in response to something happening at the time).

Again, stop mindreading about what might or might not happen. If he chooses to talk, that's a plus. If he chooses not to talk, that's fine too. It's a plus just the fact that you're going.

And if I haven't mentioned it before - STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. If he senses that you're nervous and apprehensive, he will be too. Be reassuring to him and warm. Remember, YOU CAN DO THIS!

[sophiedaphne]

Ok. MrBond, I can do this. Thank you so much for your help. I am nervous, but I am going to do this "square breathing" technique that I looked up earlier. I am going to validate his feelings and listen, and hope the counselor guides us in the right direction. It will be ok.

Thank you again.

[MrBond]

I forgot to ask. Is your MC pro-marriage? Be aware that you can always change the MC if you're uncomfortable with the way they are. I would suggest that afterwards the two of you get some ice cream or something to lighten the mood. It will help to get things into a more pleasant feeling rather than being so dire.