We lost the spark. How do I live with this guilt?

[sophiedaphne]

Ok. I got it. I will be as short and to the point as possible. Thank you guys!

[Cadet]

Did you buy any duct tape yet?

[sophiedaphne]

Haha. I'm working on it!

[sophiedaphne]

Here is where I am confused though.

It has been suggested that I speak to him as I'd speak to a roommate/brother/friend. So when he asks, "how was your day?" Do I go into detail about my day, because that's how I'd answer a roommate, or do I just say, "It was fine. How was yours?" and then walk into another room?

And then it was suggested to be "unpredictable." So, one day, do I answer with a long-winded explanation of my day, and the next day go into the bedroom when he comes home so as not to talk to him at all? I feel like this is conflicting advice, and I don't know which one to do.

Should I go out of my way to do nice things for him? Like, I've been stacking and emptying the dishwasher, which is nice for both of us. But should I, like, fold his pants when he leaves them out on the couch? Should I initiate ANY conversations with him? I just don't know.

[sophiedaphne]

Anyone please?

[vera be fierce]

Here is where I am confused though.

It has been suggested that I speak to him as I'd speak to a roommate/brother/friend. So when he asks, "how was your day?" Do I go into detail about my day, because that's how I'd answer a roommate, No

or do I just say, "It was fine. How was yours?" Yes
and then walk into another room? Listen to what he said about his day, validate, and then don't linger. Don't ask him about his day and then immediately leave the room. Ask him, listen, and then go about your day.

And then it was suggested to be "unpredictable." So, one day, do I answer with a long-winded explanation of my day, and the next day go into the bedroom when he comes home so as not to talk to him at all? I feel like this is conflicting advice, and I don't know which one to do. No, it means vary your routine. Do you come home every day at the same time and cook dinner at the same time and watch TV at the same time and go to bed at the same time? Come home late some day, go get dinner out with friends, and don't tell him about it ahead of time. Do you never go out at night? Go out at night. Unpredictability is part of YOU focusing on YOURSELF getting a LIFE outside of your H.

Should I go out of my way to do nice things for him? No
Like, I've been stacking and emptying the dishwasher, which is nice for both of us. Do you normally do this? Does he ever do it? If it's usually you, why don't you not do it one day (unpredictable) because you're not home to do it (out GAL). Do it when it works for you to do it for YOURSELF. Your H wants to fire you as his W. Would you go out of your way to do nice things for your employer if they fired you from your job?
But should I, like, fold his pants when he leaves them out on the couch? No! Leave them there! That's his job. Why would you do this?
Should I initiate ANY conversations with him? Only necessary things, business-like things. Let him initiate. He is the one that wants to leave you. Let him understand what it's like to not have you constantly PURSUING him.

[MrBond]

First of all, take a deep breath. You're confusing yourself. Clear your head.

In the beginning, did you write down the list of your 180s? What behaviors or actions did he not like about you? Do the opposite actions of those first.

Based on your current interactions, when you are nice to him and do him favors, what does he do? Does he reciprocate? If so, then continue doing them. However, if you are doing nice things for him and he rude and disrespectful to you, then stop them. Simple as that.

Each person's sitch is different and at different levels. You're going to have to gage when to do what. Whatever it is that you decide to do, do it without fear or fear of being judged or rejected. Do it because you want to do it.

Start from there. For the more heavier interactions or to journal, be sure you detail the interactions here.

[sophiedaphne]

Thank you so much for your replies.

I've been trying to vary my routine -- I went out yesterday and by the time I came back, he was already asleep. This is huge, and I never did that kind of thing before.

However, I know that one of his complaints was that I didn't do enough around the house. He always did the cooking/cleaning, and he claimed that he LIKED doing all of the cooking/cleaning. His sister told me that he complained to her about it, though, hence my attempt at trying to do the dishes, cook stuff for myself and leave some in the fridge for him, etc.

He hasn't had the opportunity to notice anything good that I've done. However, he keeps doing nice things for me.

I also know he doesn't like that I was so emotionally dependent on him. Therefore, I have been acting upbeat, happy, smiley.

So far, he has not changed at all. He did answer my email this morning when I thanked him for moving my car, which was unexpected. I thought he would just read it and cast it aside, so I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing or neither.

I also think that, in the past, I have not been a good listener. I haven't stopped what I've been doing to really talk to him. So I can make this a big change. But maybe I also haven't been communicative. But if being more communicative is pursuing, I think pursuing is worse. I am confused. I honestly am.

I need to ask him to bring the checkbook to counseling, since he has an hour and a half to go home and I need to go straight there from work. Do I text him and just ask politely for him to grab the checkbook?

He has been doing a 180 too. Like I said... exercising, reading, going out. Is that bad? I mean, is he really just enjoying his life without me? It seems like he is moving on so quickly already.

[sophiedaphne]

I made a list of his problems with me.

1. I am too emotionally dependent on him.

2. I didn't do enough around the house - cooking/cleaning, and I complained when he asked for him.

3. I always acted upset/depressed/angry and never smiled. When he tried to act funny/silly I got mad at him for not being serious.

4. I tested him and expected him to always know how I was feeling.

5. I ignored his feelings and never validated anything he felt.

6. I ignored his caring gestures.

[MrBond]

"He has been doing a 180 too. Like I said... exercising, reading, going out. Is that bad? I mean, is he really just enjoying his life without me? It seems like he is moving on so quickly already."

Forget about his actions and concentrate on yours. Here's a suggestion. When he's gone, cook something new and exciting. Time it so that it's close to the time when he is coming home. When he sees you cooking tell him that you were trying out a new recipe you saw online and wanted his opinion since he's a great cook. Let him comment and finish the dish. Tell him that you made enough for two and serve it to him. If he declines, shrug it off as his loss.

Doing something like that does two things: 1) It shows that you are ready to take on some of the duties like cooking 2) It strokes his ego a bit when you ask his opinion since he's a "great cook"

Keep it casual and light. Since he does nice things for you, I would suggest trying to get some laughter in there. But be sure you are prepared for rejection. Take it as "his loss". That will show your strength and resolve.