Went to church in the morning and was pleasantly surprised that my cousin who lives in FL was there. She had come up for the family baby shower yesterday for our other cousin's DIL. I was excited to see her. That's where the good started to go downhill.
We went to breakfast together after church, that was nice but a little harried.
After that we were attending a memorial service for a wonderful lady who died 2 weeks ago from a brain tumor. She was amazing and will be so missed. Cried for a solid hour and a half.
Then, just to do the opposite....baby shower. Too big a mood swing in a a short span of time.
After all of that we got together to play cards and that was when I got the hammer over the head.
It's going to sound stupid, but it hurt me and I don't see getting past it any time soon. We had decided on partners for the game and we always try to come up with silly team names. They had chosen theirs and my partner and I weren't feeling especially creative so told them to make one up for us. My cousin looked at my partner and said, "sunshine" and then said, "ok, I've got it! Sunshine and rain!". When I asked why she decided on that she said it was because I'm a "little black raincloud".
That hurt. I work very hard NOT to be anything but happy in front of everyone. The only time I have ever shown her anything but that was in the worst of the worst time I had and she had asked me to please tell her what was going on and how she could help. I guess I'm projecting something when I don't think I am. Later, she said something about someone saying things to hurt her and looked at our other cousin and said, "you know who I mean." It felt like a sideways way of saying I was the person she meant. Yes, it may seem like mindreading but in the context it was said and after what she had already said it really felt like she meant me. I honestly can't think of anything I said that was hurtful but that doesn't mean I might not be oblivious.
My heart hurts. The tears are sitting behind my eyes and threatening to spill.
She is here until tomorrow morning and usually I would go and hang out with her tonight but now I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm not welcome. These are the only close family I have left but I'm feeling more and more pushed out. Heck, I invited myself over to play cards with them. I had asked them to call me if they decided to play but they never did so I took it upon myself to go and see what they were up to. They were playing and hadn't called. I should have taken the hint then and left. That's the last time I show up without a specific invitation. It will probably mean that I won't see my family except on holidays but that's just how it's going to have to be.
The more I think about it, it's me that's the problem. My best friend won't call, won't pick up when I call her, won't even answer a text asking how her daughter did in her American Idol audition. None of my friends calls back. I don't ask for anything from them! I just want to hear what is going on with them, hear about their triumphs and tribulations. I never load them down with anything bad, there isn't anything good to share with them so when they ask I tell them that all is fine and we're just plugging along. Nothing that should be sending them for the hills running from me.
Yep, it's me. I'm done. This is horribly painful.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Maybe you should have a talk with your cousin. If you unknowingly said something that hurt her, it will help to clear the air. Don't let it slip away that it hurt your feelings what she said and implied.
I am so sorry that you are hurting. Big hugs my dear.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Mishka: I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting. And I really get it. It has happened to me several times too and it hurts. I have found that divorce and the resulting emotion does separate people from us. I have the same thing with friends I've had for the longest time - now it is hard to get them to call back and sometimes they don't for months. One of my very best friends for 11 years just stopped talking to me. I've emailed, phoned - no there is no reason. I wanted to tell her about the condo as she'd been to Florida with me a few times and I wanted to invite her - it was nothing down.
I lost friends when Ryan got sick too.
So - I don't really think it's you - I think it's her. And that was a really nasty thing to say.
And if you're really like me - sensitive and non-confrontational - that's a really hard thing to do.
But it might help.
Hugs to you. I would return your call and I would listen.
Hey Julia! Miss you sweetie! Give us an update on what's happening since you've been home. So sorry to see that your house was broken into. That's rubbish!
My heart is still aching over losing my family. I'm just not cut out to be in the mix apparently. I walk on enough eggshells in my daily life, I certainly don't need to put myself in situations where I have to do it more. This means no more trips to Florida, no more card nights, no more fun pool days, no more of anything. It's going to be so quiet and dull.
No, I'm not being maudlin, I'm not being self-pitying, but I have to face facts and this is what it's going to be. It's going to take a lot of getting used to. I've never been without any family to turn to. How do those people who get 'shunned' do this?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
You haven't lost your family, it sounds as if this one cousin has no tact. Talk to them. You can't let fear win. Bite the bullet and pick up the phone.
You have come so far, are you going to let this stop you? Oh and how is Marc? Did you get your money back for the camp he missed out on?
Tell Eyeore that while you do like him you want his rain cloud to move on. Today is going to be a perfect day.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Oh G! You'd run circles around me! I'm just not cool enough to hang with the cool girls. LOL.
I'm still trying to process through what happened and put it behind me. I'm getting there. It just [censored] to know I'm not as good at hiding my true feelings as I thought I was.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Marc's leg is healing well according to the ortho this morning. 4 more weeks in the immobilizer but he can now start to peg-leg it around some.
Things are going ok. I ran into a friend at the store the other day and she asked me how things were going with Gabe. I told her it was really good and he seems more and more like the man I married every day. She smiled a HUGE grin, her eyes lit up and then she asked the bombshell question, "Do you think you'll re-marry?" ARGH! That is a question I was not prepared for. I stood there for a minute looking at her and gave her my best, "Who knows." with a smile. This is only the second time someone asked that and the first time was almost 2 years ago. That was way too soon and things were FAR too shaky. There was nothing established between us then. This time it really got me thinking after we parted ways.
What do I want in the long run? Is there any point in marriage? What does that really do other than change your tax status and cause all kinds of legal mess when it ends again?
That sounds terribly pessimistic, I know, but it is reality. We have all seen what damage can be done with a single piece of paper. To me, those vows were sacred and no matter what our legal status is, I will forever think of Gabe as my husband. He doesn't know that but I find it incredibly awkward to think of him as anything else. I asked him not long ago, out of my morbid curiosity, what he calls me when he mentions me to someone. He just looked confused and said, "I don't.". That hurt.
So, I guess I'm just trying to hash out my thoughts here in the hopes of some clarity of what I really want. Actually asking for what I want is a whole other subject!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I work very hard NOT to be anything but happy in front of everyone. The only time I have ever shown her anything but that was in the worst of the worst time I had and she had asked me to please tell her what was going on and how she could help. I guess I'm projecting something when I don't think I am. Later, she said something about someone saying things to hurt her and looked at our other cousin and said, "you know who I mean." It felt like a sideways way of saying I was the person she meant. Yes, it may seem like mindreading but in the context it was said and after what she had already said it really felt like she meant me. I honestly can't think of anything I said that was hurtful but that doesn't mean I might not be oblivious.