how much is too much time and distance?

[Brit45]

I didn't appreciate him until that was gone. In Sept/Oct I started having serious doubts but all my friends will say it went much farther back. Especially as I had a short lived EA in 2010. Anyway, beginning of Nov I told him it wasn't working, he started sleeping on the couch. During that time u went out, parties, met men, listened to Rhianna on full blast, felt like a tennager again. H would pick me up at the end of the night, text me midday to ask what I wanted for dinner etc. tell me I looked great before I went out and he hoped I had fun. In Jan he had to house sit so he lived away for a month and when he came back I decided it wasn't healthy for us we should live apart. I had no idea what I was asking for. He began distancing himself and at first I was still too wrapped up in a guy I was seeing. Then it all hit, he wasn't there and more pressingly he care about me.
He stopped being home, he was always on his phone, he wasn't and now I know he isn't the fall back guy I thought he always would be.
I took him for granted and enjoyed when I felt scared knowing that at home everything was still like it always was.
I'm not saying you should start dating if you're not ready. That's what he did. And it very hard to give the impression that you're not available to her when you still have feelings for her and want to R.

But no visits, no phone calls, no emails, no texts....from you. She may need to see what life is like without you as a friend. Plus it's making your life hell. Putting you on a roller coaster. The other thing is surprise. Do things that you've always wanted to do. It's MWD cliche but he started playing sports and doing things he never did when we were together (and stopped once he met GF) but I felt like he wasn't this boring guy I'd gotten sick of

[any chance?]

Thanks, Brit.

My xW moved to another state 11 months ago, and has been dating/living with an old boyfriend in yet another state since that time. I have taken the high road, and, when she notices, my xW has commented on my changes.

At some point I need to realize that she is gone and is not coming back. My biggest fear is that she has been using me like you suggest. I don't think so, but, then, I obviously don't know what to think.

[Brit45]

So face your "worst fear" when you can say to yourself if that's the truth, if that's what happened, then what? What will that mean to you about yourself and about her?

I can say if she is and if it's like me she doesn't mean it outright malicious. I certainly didn't and it's only now that I've grown and can use empathy (because I think when we're hurting we have to attend to ourselves so much there's nothing left over to be empathetic) but now I can see how selfish my actions were, he could have called me on it and never did...because it may have given him comfort or hope or anything.

Someone wise on this board told me one thing's for sure your marriage is dead. And as long as he's with her, he's not going to be with you.

I don't know it struck me, put me in my place, and made me stop all the but's and feeling rejected. There was no rejection...it's over, he's with someone. Now what?

You can move on with out dating someone new. You can move on in your heart, in your head, in your actions, in your outlook.

[any chance?]

not sure I am doing the right thing.....

xW just called, and she is on the way back to her house in a different state. I happen to be on an extended business trip in the region, and she wants to get together with me this weekend. I am going to stay at her house for probably two days this weekend. She says she wants to see me. There is clearly uneasiness in the air when we speak, as neither wants to offend each other, and neither knows how to approach communication.

So I am going to see my xW...she is heading to her house for a couple of weeks, before returning to OM's house in yet another state, then going to see his family out east. She even left her beloved cat at OMs house while she is traveling.

So what gives? Why does she want to see me? What is the point? Why doesn't she just marry this dude, move on, and leave me behind like so much used baggage?

She came back to my/our house for 10 days in May, has spent the month of June+ at OMs house, and now is returning to her house and wants to see me. Is it that she feels obligated?

Not sure how she would react if she knew how confused I was. I am doing my best to give everything time, stay on the high road, give her time, leave the door open a crack....but I have this nagging feeling that I am just a moron getting burned.

Not the way I wanted my life to end up. Kind of sad about that.

I know it is not the DB way, but, I have to admit: I used to have a wonderful life. Now I am just living.

Guess I have to get my sh*t together and move forward...again.

Thanks for listening.

[2thepoint]

Not the way I wanted my life to end up. Kind of sad about that.

Acting as if your life is over is no way to live your life.

I know it is not the DB way, but, I have to admit: I used to have a wonderful life. Now I am just living.

If you are able to breathe, then you have life in you that needs to be lived beyond merely existing. Don't you think it is time you take charge of your future and get things in gear and move forward instead of looking over your shoulder? You say you have left the door opened a crack. There is nothing wrong with that, but you've got to stop peeking through the crack to see what your Ex is doing, thinking, saying.

You seem to be holding on to the hope that your W will come back. She may very well do that some day but waiting and hoping and yet doing nothing else is no way to live. You have a lot to offer the world. Lets see what that looks like!

Guess I have to get my sh*t together and move forward...again.

Make it happen. The world is your oyster. It really is!

[any chance?]

Thanks 2tp....needed that

[2thepoint]

"They are attracted to our backs!"

Someone posted this ^^^ on my thread and I've since shared it with others. I think it makes sense. Go live your life like it is filled with so much promise and possibility. Quit worrying about the past. Focus on the future. Your future! It is then, after you have turned away and moved on with your life that the visits from your Ex will have more meaning.

Do you know what I'm saying?

[any chance?]

Yes, I know exactly what you are saying and I am going to live that philosophy this weekend.......damn right.

[any chance?]

Got some 2x4s yesterday,and deservedly so.

I, like many of the LBSs here, continue to love my xW after almost a year of complete separation (different states). She has gotten to the point that she likes to physically see me (10 day visit in May, now a couple of days this weekend). She solicited these visits, not me. Other times she wants very little to do with me, with only rare texts or phone calls. This is a pattern she has with everyone - very rare for her to contact the vast majority of her old friends. Maybe she is just trying to start a new life by leaving me and everyone else behind.

Good news she is off her AD meds, which were really fogging her mind.

I am going to hang in there, but I cannot get caught in the trap of always wondering about her. I need to move on with my life. I guess it is the old adage about "if you love something set it free, if it returns, it is yours forever. If it does not, it never was"

It is just that sometimes the tragedy of it all gets to me. It just does not seem right. Not a bit. But I cannot do a damn thing about it.

Wish me luck this weekend. Any advise would be appreciated.

Thanks for listening.

JBM

[any chance?]

Headed up to see my xW for the weekend. Not at all sure how this is going to go. It is unclear if she wants to see me out of affection or obligation. Unclear if she wants me out of her life or in her life. All I know is she returned to her new home after 5 weeks with the OM at his place in a different state, and that she is going to return there in a couple of weeks. Where I stand in all this is a damn good question.

So I venture into the unknown. Any advice would be most appreciated.