s spent last night and all day with the in laws. this morning mil called and said he wanted to stay there and swim all afternoon and i laughed and said that's what i expected. she asked if i wanted to come over for dinner and i said that great - i don't have to cook then.
but as the day went by, i realized that i didn't really want to go over there. i found myself thinking - i need to be more grounded and a little more detached before i can be in that house - i actually haven't been invited for dinner since january - and i've understood. h and s have been there 2 or 3 times a week and i've worked on letting that go and feel ok about it.
so i left a message for them saying i'd just come to pick s up. mil called me back to say - well h stopped by and is staying for dinner - and i said well it's good i based my decision on other reasons. she asked if i'd change my mind and come, and i said no, i don't think so - i don't need to be around him ( all these months, i waited for the opportunity) , besides i need to detach and this is part of it.
mil said she really understood and suggested that h could drop s home instead of me going all the way out there. and i said that would be great. so she gave the phone to h and i asked him and he said sure. then he asked - aren't you coming over, i thought you'd be here. and i just said no, i have a lot to get done before the week starts.
then he kept us on the phone - making me go online to check the bank account and if he'd been paid etc and then seemed to keep prolonging the conversation just talking about finances. i just quietly answered him and then said thanks for bringing s home and got off the phone.
i'm so quiet and calm now - it feels good to be here, even knowing that they are all there - in the past i had to work at getting over it. now, suddenly i don't need to work at it at all - in fact i removed myself from it one more baby step for me.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
"he told me that he always interpreted that initial reluctance as a sign that i didn't love him."
sounds like "script" to me. my H took things and expanded them to make them much worse than they were. it's an excuse and blaming. it makes them feel better about what they're doing and it's helps them to continue to feel sorry for themselves.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
what i am about to write is horrible. i am so upset at myself. it's really difficult for me to write this here, but i'm making myself do it - not as "punishment" but just for insight from you wonderful people, and help.
i have a terrible pattern within myself - all these months i thought i had broken it completely but last night i found out that i haven't. i messed up so bad, i think, that i can't even begin to figure out where to start to rectify what i said. i think i just have to accept that i did that and then show through my actions that it's not how i meant it.
the pattern is that when things aren't "going my way" i just can't accept it and i get mean, well, last night i was mean to s saying something that was totally unacceptable.
it came out of my mouth - i was frustrated - i think i said it pretty calmly, but it was horrendous, at the time i thought i was "preparing him for the realities of the sitch" ahead. but what i was really doing was so much more insidious.
some things i learned about myself - old habits really die hard - even if you think they are gone, they are not.
there is a serious danger that i may be starting to direct my negative feelings for h towards s, because i cannot deal with them and s is here.
i am interpreting s's "being happy and wanting to be with h" very negatively and taking it personally. i found myself realizing that i was actually mad at s deep down - because ever since h bought this house, he's been so goddamn happy about it.
i am not handling things so well right now.
all these things i've written - they are horrible, and i realize i have some serious issues to deal with. so any insight from anyone else, if they have gone through similar feelings - and how they worked through them. i feel like the monster mom right now.
after s went to bed, i called my mom and was practically hysterical over what i'd said. she calmed me down and told me not to be so hard on myself that in these kinds of situations, mistakes happen. but this was not a mistake - this was me telling s things i never should have said.
i don't know how to be lovingly distant here, i don't know how to detach without turning off my feelings. i don't know how to be a mom 1 week and not the next. I have to learn these things. this is no one's problem but my own.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
You are not the first who has done this, and you aren't the last. I have had those feelings and said things to my son (the one with personality similar to H)that I am ashamed of.
It happens when I'm Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. So I try to watch that.
I apologize. I don't belabor the point I just express that I was wrong in saying or doing whatever I it was.
I give myself credit for being able to realize what I've done and taking positive steps to change that behavior.
And then I release it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
zig, another thing that helps me is recognizing my feelings on a moment to moment basis (mindfulness). When something starts to creep in I stop and ask myself "What am I feeling?" And then just let it play out.
Getting in touch with my emotions and recognizing and accepting my them has decreased the number of times angry things fly out of my mouth.
Still a work in progress but it is progress.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Zig, you're facing things in life you never expected. How could you think you'd be prepared for them? Bug gives great advice above. Every one of us stumbles. Use the opportunity to reach out to your son and show him how to handle things when we make a mistake. We all make them. The difference is how we handle ourselves afterwards.
Look at what Bug said about moving forward and past the mistake. Act quickly and love much. Hope your day goes well.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
it blindsided me - triggered off by the whole inhaler/ argument issue. i thought i was in a really good place and then this monster reared its head. yuck. i carry too many demons
i didn't know i had those feelings until afterwards. in fact - the feelings that have come to the surface - it will take me a while to work through them
i keep telling myself that it's okay, now i know what the problem is for me that is soooo difficult in this situation, and now that the feelings are at the surface, in a concrete manner i can deal with them and get through this in a better way
thanks labug
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Don't beat yourself up, it's horrible that it happened but now that it's happened feeling horrible does nothing. Like Bug said talk to him, make amends, but still be the parent.
I can remember being on the phone with a counselling service during a really low point saying that I felt like I was being a horrible parent and setting a bad example. And S didn't deserve this. It will come in time. You have held yourself together fantastically and these moments will happen less and less.
