Falling in Love Again.....with ME!

[Brit45]

what doesn't help either is that those actions are difficult, and it is reinforced by the people around us - family and friends who disapprove also. so we can stay in the cycle longer because what we're feeling is being confirmed by others also, which seems to validate it more for us

YES!! My family and friends that I do talk about this all say "he's with someone else, he's flashing it all over FB, he tells you you're prettier and more fun but he's moving in with her. I wouldn't even talk to him." And when talking about other issues they say "yeah but what do you get out of it...sorry i wouldn't do that"

But yes....in my head I've decided my interactions with him have nothing to do with him. I approaching this as a learning opportunity for me. I'm not "doing something" for him. I'm being a person who is operating out of love and forgiveness instead of tit for tat you know? As soon as I shifted in my mind from thinking about him "should I really let him spend time with me the day he gets back from vacation with her????" To thinking....."Grace and forgiveness doesn't think that way...will I be happier with myself if I make up an excuse in order to hold some sort of resentment?"

I think the 180 for me is to not operate out of resentment or hold a grudge. When he's right it's not fair for me to have a grudge...

google that oprah thing Zig it's good!

[zig]

yes brit - i'm trying to do the same thing - stop and ask myself - am i doing this from a place of love, or from my reaction to what i know is going on?

i find myself slightly confused as to how to reconcile the state of agape with setting boundaries. maybe i'll talk about it with iC this morning

i'm really interested in the concept of agape - the idea of giving all things in love without any concern for self-gratification.

i am striving towards that state within myself - it's actually fascinating to me, because i was so much the opposite of that - my love was so conditional before.

but i have to admit that the concepts of DB'ing seem to clash in some way with the concept of agape. DB'ing is a means to an end, while agape is giving up all resistance to whatever you don't agree with

maybe i'm interpreting it wrongly - and agape is the same as "dropping the rope"

what do you think?

[Brit45]

I think DB gives very practical advice for people who may not be in a place to understand more. So it says stop blaming, stop pursuing instead of put your feelings second, don't be selfish let them have space.

I think that what you're saying is that you can't love unconditionally without boundries but I don't think that's ture. Loveing unconditionally doesn't mean being a doormat or doing anything that would hurt yourself because then you couldn't continue to love because you'd be operating at a deficit.

I'm able to talk about all this but it's harder in practice. I am reactive, impulsive, hot headed, passionate, and selfish. I'm trying to change or challenge those. Today I'm proud that I didn't react I waited got my thoughts together and decided to see him after all.

[labug]

I think that what you're saying is that you can't love unconditionally without boundries but I don't think that's ture. Loveing unconditionally doesn't mean being a doormat or doing anything that would hurt yourself because then you couldn't continue to love because you'd be operating at a deficit
I think many people get twisted around the axle at this point. My understanding of DBing is, remove yourself from the conflict(detach), look inside and figure out what you know is not working in you, start working on those things and in response to the changes, S may change.

No Guarantees.

Except, you can become a better you and this will take lots of time.

If things don't improve in the R, then there are choices to make.

[labug]

Instead of getting upset at his actions, reacting to him out of what I think he deserves based on his current actions, I just thought in this moment what can I learn, how can I grow.

HUGE!

I was paying my H back constantly for injustices (supposed) in the past. I see it all so clearly now that it makes me cringe. My demeanor, my tone of voice, my body language.

[Autumn Leaves]

I was paying my H back constantly for injustices (supposed) in the past. I see it all so clearly now that it makes me cringe. My demeanor, my tone of voice, my body language.

Something I have been working on lately as well, and I found myself cringing at times. Now I think it through, and give it 24 hours. If I still think a response is needed, I think just a little bit longer

[Brit45]

I was paying my H back constantly for injustices (supposed) in the past. I see it all so clearly now that it makes me cringe. My demeanor, my tone of voice, my body language.

Something I have been working on lately as well, and I found myself cringing at times. Now I think it through, and give it 24 hours. If I still think a response is needed, I think just a little bit longer

The more I think about it the more I probably did it during the marriage and certainly during out split. There's very little I'd been able to say to him without some sort of spite in my voice or a second meaning after he met her. Or I was super friendly but all with an "end means" as Zig said.

I'm not making his R with GF about me anymore. It's giving it more power. It's giving him more power. Who the freak knows how this happened but I feel so calm and level about this whole thing.

2 things:
My sister made a point that every R I've had I've improved on the type of person and sitch I've put myself in/with. She said this means you're holding yourself in higher esteem. Who knows if in a few years you'll think why did I put up with his x, y, and z. I'm so happy I'm with New Man now. That's a good point. I did make this decision in the beginning because I wanted more and I convinced he didn't. I'm still not confident that he does want more.

2ed a friend of mine stopped me on the way out of work and talked about his FB activity and how another mutual friend noticed it too. She said it's just so weird. He's never on FB. He never checks in at places and now it's non stop with "GF's name" our other mutual friend was like who is this girl...when did she come on the scene? I said I know. I guess he wants people to know he does stuff. And she said I've just never seen him like this. He's more sensible. It's strange and I said yeah me neither, but I've hidden him. I don't want a play by play and she said that's a good idea.
And then I realized he's not thinking, because he's in new R haze. When you can't wait to tell everyone what you're doing and it's all so new and amazing. And look how fun we are! and look how much fun we're having. It's mind reading I know. But in a weird way it made me feel better...that maybe it's not the real him because he's drunk and infatuated and I know how that feels...you don't think of anyone but yourself.

I need a new thread title...Cadet is gonna kick me off!

[needgrace]

Instead of getting upset at his actions, reacting to him out of what I think he deserves based on his current actions, I just thought in this moment what can I learn, how can I grow.

HUGE!

I was paying my H back constantly for injustices (supposed) in the past. I see it all so clearly now that it makes me cringe. My demeanor, my tone of voice, my body language.

I love this entire post.
What can I learn, how can I grow today?
My mantra for today....