Re: the boating, I suppose the DB approach would be to just go boating with him and find a way to enjoy it. If you just can't do that, then "His Needs, Her Needs" suggests that you both do a "recreational activity inventory", compare your lists, and focus on the ones you share. That means that if boating is on his list and not on yours, then you don't go boating together. If gardening is on your list but not on his, then you don't do that together either. If you have no interests in common at all, then you either make a longer list until you find one, or you agree to each compromise on something off the other person's list -- but the key is you choose which one, not them.
I was just reading last night how it's very common for the woman to engage in these activities with men they are dating, but after they're married they're no longer interested in doing them. Men are very surprised by this and wonder why you changed? It says the path to success is to find something you can continue to do together, and the path to failure is to pursue divergent activities on your own. That's what the book says -- personally I can't imagine giving up skiing because my W doesn't like to do it anymore, but things I'm less passionate about I have given up.
WRT the blistered feet, it's horribly frustrating when my kids do stuff like that. My son likes to walk on slippery wet rocks wearing jeans and his sneakers. Me: "Don't do that, you're going to fall in the water and get wet!" Him: "No I won't I do this all the time." (Splash) Then he has to walk home in wet shoes and pants and I feel badly. Unfortunately, nothing you can do about that. Now your husband is a grown man, so I might not even suggest he change his footwear. He knows you're going for a walk, if he can't figure out that loafers are a bad choice, he'll learn. I bet he won't wear them next time!
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray, I just wanted to put in a big "thank you" for your continued efforts on this board. I've been watching your thread and there haven't been any updates in a while, though you've been posting all over the place. It's so great of you to share your thoughts and experiences with others, in spite of your piecing R status, and your sitch is a true inspiration. And a reminder that it doesn't have to be perfect to be good. Thanks!
Wow, thanks you two! That makes me feel really good. An update is probably overdue. I will post. The board keeps me sane, I wish I could help on more threads than I do.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
This week while S was away at camp, I made a point to engage with H in a positive way. We didn't do any more walks because of his blistered toes, but we did go to dinner twice. At dinner, H didn't take any food off of my plate but made a point to mention it. I don't think he intended to be belligerent, but I still find it a bit awkward. I also suggested that he start looking forward at the calendar and plan a boating trip. I did not go overboard and over-invest.
On Sunday morning, H made a comment to me that he thinks S watches too much tv and was asking me for my ideas on what to do about that. I turned and looked at him, and then looked past him at the tv that HE had on. I didn't laugh out loud but did think it was rather hypocritical of him. I didn't tell him that. Instead, I suggested that the best way to teach children is by example, that if you tell them something but then live something else, they can see right through it. H got extremely defensive about his tv watching, gave me a bunch of reasons why his programs (Glee, NCIS) are so much better than the cr@p cartoons that S watches, that he can still be productive while the tv is on, etc. He wasn't calm when he was saying it, treating me very disrespectfully. I planned on going to a potluck for boy scouts with him at noon, but I bailed because I didn't want to be around him. That made him even more angry because he wanted me there anyway.
So, I'm looking for suggestions as to how I could have handled this differently/better, since I know I can't change him. Obviously, I could have gone to the potluck. That doesn't address the conflict in the morning which is more what I'm interested in.
I also learned something about myself this weekend. I think I've touched on it before but was unable to put words to it until this weekend. I really resent that H is so comfortable with putting me in the traditional male role. Until the last 6 months, I've made considerably more money than him, and he readily admits it doesn't bother him. At the same time, I'm going back to school to be able to advance my career, and he has never done anything to improve his career. I spent a good part of the week fixing the sprinkler system and rewiring the yard lights, because he "didn't know it was his responsibility so it wasn't on his radar." Well, we aren't rich and don't have a groundskeeper, which means he had to think it was on my list of responsibilities.
I also put a good amount of time into analyzing the work on the deck, making sure the builders are doing things the way we want them to. There have been several problems/mistakes that I've had to ask them to address. I told H a month ago that I need him to get more involved, to step up and share ownership of this deck project, that I need help, that this isn't my thing (I do computers, not decks.) I mentioned it again Sunday afternoon, so H steps out on the deck, says he doesn't see anything wrong. I tell him there are at least a half dozen issues. I show him one thing, he starts telling me that I'm just a perfectionist. The thing I showed him was a spot in the deck where the boards dip and make a trough because the cross-supports are set down 1/4". After H takes a few seconds to look at it, he decides it really is wrong. So he goes from accusing me of being a perfectionist to the builders aren't meeting the minimal requirements of level and square. He's not helping in the process AND beating me up for what I'm contributing. It seems to be a lose-lose for me.
Keeping the focus on me, how do I deal with this in a positive way? What can I do differently?
Have you read "Co-dependent No More." ?? I'm in the middle of reading it right now and it seems like it might be something that could help you and your situation. Heck, I would even suggest possibly reading it at night with H if he's willing. It may be an eye-opener for you both.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
CV, you did a great job and I honour your effort in that.
You had a no win scenario when your H asked for advice regarding the TV. Any answer from you may have triggered him.
I learned (after a lot of mistakes) that the best answer is, "I don't know. We can look into that."
This past friday when I picked up my D9 from my W's, my W said "Hi." to me in a pleasant enough way and I responded in kind with a "hey." I immediately saw that triggered her and suspect it wasn't actually the word, but rather that I was distracted in my thoughts and it might have come across a little abrupt.
Here's where I can see the difference between what happened afterwards between my W and I and what happened between your H and you...
I continued on as though nothing happened...
Whereas it appears that the "normal" dynamic between your H and you occurred. He got defensive, you put up your walls, and communication broke down again.
He triggered on what appeared to be an honest suggestion from you. That's his problem. But then again, he came to you with his problem when he could have solved it himself. And if you would have pointed that out to him, he probably would have triggered on that.
So yes, by your words he DID appear to have been trying and sure, he made a point on putting a spotlight on his "effort" (a classic LBS mistake).
Maybe the best out would have been for you to let him know that you were sorry, you thought he was asking you for advice and suggestions and that you did not intend to sound like you were judging him. And then left him with that thought and carried on.
As far as the rest, I just want to say that it is important to focus on one thing at a time and take it slowly. Working on you will be a long process done bit by bit. Your H will have the same experience. So him doing better at one thing will not mean he's getting better in other areas. Let him get his wobbly legs under him with one thing and soon he may pick up the pace with all things...
So yes, by your words he DID appear to have been trying and sure, he made a point on putting a spotlight on his "effort" (a classic LBS mistake).
Is this in regards to the comment at the dinner table or in his comment about S's tv habits?
I see the pattern that you're referring to. We did it again in a brief conversation tonight. It went something like this:
H: Whenever I do something wrong, you apply some catastrophic consequence to our M. CV: Catastrophic, like what? H: Like sleeping in the other bedroom. CV: That's your definition. I don't define that as catastrophic, I define it as a good night's sleep. I define catastrophic as going out and sleeping with someone else. I certainly don't do that. H: Well why can't you just get over it quickly and get on with the day? CV: How long is "quickly?" I believe you were upset about taking the tv out of the bedroom for about 6 hours, and it was your decision to do it. H: Well it was painful for me, and six hours is nothing compared to you. CV: Okay, so you think six hours is a reasonable time period? Then it was perfectly reasonable for me to still be angry about your treatment of me three hours later when I blew off the luncheon. So what was your problem with my behavior? H: I wasn't pissy. CV: Perhaps not by your definition, but you were by mine. H: Well it was painful for me. CV: I understand that. And your treatment of me when I was asked for help was painful for me. H: Well I thought I would have an advocate in regards to S. Why does it always have to come back to me? I felt judged. CV: I don't have a better answer than parenting by example. If you feel judged, then you did your own judging. I never asked you to take the tv out of the bedroom. ....etc., etc.
Yeah, I see lots of defensiveness on both parts. Where to intercept? Can I just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way...." What, I don't even know, I can't even come up with an example.
