I read Divorce Remedy. The library in the place I'm visiting didn't have Divorce Busting. I just feel lost. What am I going to do when I get back there? I can't imagine anything having an effect. His mom insists that there is still a glimmer of hope, but I can't imagine how, if he is this dead set on ending it.
Like, what do I do when I get home? Normally, I want to talk about the relationship. All the time. Obviously I can't want to do this. I'm kind of just thinking I need to just not initiate any conversation, although, what do I do if he speaks pleasantly to me, like, "how was your trip?" Do I just say, "I had a good time, thanks? How was your week?" I just don't know. What if he wants to talk about our relationship? He is going to have to at some point, since we have to figure out finances, cars, pets, etc. We have to know if he's moving back to Australia sooner (and if that's the case, Divorce Busting will make NO difference whatsoever). Do I just agree, and say, "you're right. This needs to happen. Let's figure this out." And act calmly? I mean, I am really emotional and can't see doing this without crying at least a little bit. I do certainly know that I can go out and be more independent and do things to not be in the apartment with him, which I guess is a big change. I guess I'm just not sure how to interact.
I've been having dreams, every single night about him. About having fun and doing things together, and when I wake up, it hits hard. We have so many good memories, and honestly, I thought that overall our marriage was pretty good. Nothing groundbreaking or earth shattering has happened, other than us disagreeing on how to communicate. It seems like something a counselor could help us through, if he would just come with me. But I won't pressure anymore.
I can't even sleep. I woke up at 5am this morning and have been teary for the last three hours. So many thoughts of happy memories are going through my head. Every hug, every trip, every kiss, every "I love you." How does one just forget about that? The time in Adelaide when we stood by the fountain and tried to get the stupid camera to take our picture automatically. The time he had a job in another state so I walked around the mall and he and his friend picked me up a few hours later and I was so happy to see him. The time we went to New Zealand and briefly considered moving there one day. When we looked at a house together and considered buying it. Even two weeks ago -- we went out to dinner and laughed and talked about how funny it would be teaching me to drive on the other side of the road and how nervous I was about it.
How did we get here from there in such a short period of time? How do I stop thinking of these things without completely breaking down?
I wish I had just sat next to him and said, "I really appreciate you and everything you do for us." I feel like even that would have made a difference.
I think my husband may not be going to work this week, or something. Every time I log on to Facebook or GMail, I see he is online. I am so incredibly compelled to contact him, and it is so hard.
I am beginning to feel discouraged that no one has replied, but I am finding it helpful to post for myself.
I went to see a counselor today. He was not particularly helpful, and didn't really contribute anything.
I also got an incredibly long, heart-felt email from my husband. He told me that he did not believe that he could ever change his mind and that he felt no ill-will towards me. He said he is so distraught that this is hurting me so much, but he realized it was inevitable because we have grown so far apart.
He appreciated that I took the time to tell him about how I felt and how I believed we had hurt each other. He wishes we had connected with each other more emotionally. But basically, it's all in the past and there's nothing we can do.
When I spoke to the counselor, he told me that I should try, one last time, to ask him to come to counseling with me. I said, it's not use. He thinks he's leading me on. The counselor said, well, you would need to be the judge of that, wouldn't you?
I thought about it, and texted my husband afterwards. I said, I really appreciate you taking the time to tell me how you're feeling (I would normally not say this). I know it was hard for you, but it means a lot to me. He wrote back and apologized for not having been able to say anything sooner.
I said, I know we have a lot of issues that can't seem to be resolved, and I am preparing myself to move on from this. However, I do feel as if I need to know that we both did everything we could before we really went through with this. I asked that he just consider counseling again. I said that I wouldn't feel led on. I would have no expectations. If it didn't help I wouldn't pursue it anymore. He said he knew it wouldn't help.
So I said, well, what if we make a time constraint? Like, if in a month you don't feel it's working, we can stop doing it. And he said, Well, I'll think about it, but that's fair and reasonable. I thanked him and told him that I appreciated it and promised him that I wouldn't hold him to any expectations. I'm going to act "as if" this is going to help us. I am going to act "as if" he wants to make our marriage work.
He thanked me for talking to him calmly. I apologized for moving the money without asking him. He said he appreciated that I moved it back. This is openness that we've never had. I guess these are the first "baby steps." He offered to pay for a hotel for my mother. I decided that my mother doesn't need to come this week. It will cause more tension than is necessary.
I am going to find someone who is pro-marriage.
I know my goal was to sever and detach, but in this case, he initiated the conversation, so I felt it was appropriate to respond. I was able to show him that, despite such an emotional moment, I was able to reason with him rationally and calmly, and he instantly noticed. This is a big step for me.
I think that perhaps I can really do this 180 thing. Maybe combined with the counseling, this can work. I feel slightly more optimistic (although I do know I could get a message at any time that says he has decided against it) but it sounds like he might be willing this time. I certainly hope so.
I do feel as if I am pressuring him more than I should, but I don't think it would have happened how it did if I didn't. I just contacted a few "marriage friendly" counselors. They're expensive! But I realize that the money spent will be worth it if it saves my marriage.
He can still say no. I know. I think he might really come this time, though.
sophie, i know it's hard right now but you will have to take your focus off him and put it on yourself and GAL. you need things to do and think about other than the sitch you're in.
what's helping me, since i'm no expert and am still making my way, too, is to read the vets advice on the archives. if you want to, go to the forums page and scroll down to the bottom to, "divorcebusting.com archives". then choose, "advice from wise DBer's". you can read just about anything on there and it will help you.
right now, just pull back and stop pursuing. GAL, read, talk to a special friend or relative. just don't tell him anymore that you miss him or he should try again. be happy and upbeat whenever you have any interaction with him.
hang in there. it takes time, time, time. become a better person for you. dig into what you could have done better and how you can be a happier person who also makes others happy.
good luck!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Thanks, scaredsilly. I have about 12 tabs opened right now and I'm going to read through them. I am trying to find a counselor who is pro-marriage, but I'm having a hard time finding a person who I feel comfortable with, even over the phone.
I am going to take a step back now and wait until he tells me if he wants to go to counseling. I won't pressure him anymore. I want him to see that I can be a better person when I return home on Monday. It is going to be difficult.
I also got an incredibly long, heart-felt email from my husband. He told me that he did not believe that he could ever change his mind and that he felt no ill-will towards me.
This is script.
He changed, he will never change back.....yada yada yada.
So was he like this the whole marriage? Or was this change sudden and unexpected.
He can change back or not. Right now you can not believe anything he says and 1/2 of what he does. Just listen and validate.
