Today I spent some time reading jks thread. I feel in some ways out sitches are similar. And I really think that I need to project to H that I am happy and independent. And honestly I need to start living and believing that for myself.
There is a "handyman" job that he was going to do at the house that he hasn't done yet. I need him to do it before a certain date, but I don't want to bring it up. He did half of it then didn't have the tool. Then when he was here last he said oh I need to come by and do that and I said yeah it needs to be done by x date. So I don't know if I should email him about it as the clock is ticking. I've decided other than that I can take care of everything else myself.
I think I've accepted that he isn't really a part of my life. That's not going to change unless he wants it to. And I think he knows he's got me as a "back up plan" It's been a very long hard road to get here. I don't know if he'll decide to take a second look at us. But I think accepting it fully and not having hope is the only way I can fully detach.
He's never going to push for divorce not for a few years for other reasons. I always had fears in our M that he was the kind of guy that just went with the current, that he never would have moved out of his ex's if I hadn't pushed him and you know what he never would have moved out of here if I hadn't pushed that. So I imagine I'll have to be the one to file at some point. I'll have to be the one to tell him to get his stuff out my garage. ..It's not the type of person I want to be with.
I'm sad my M ended because I feel we could have worked on our issues...IF both parties were willing. He doesn't want to. I'm sad about the way I handled my unhappiness in the M and how I acted after we split and around the time of our split both in the way I treated him and I treated myself...but I've owned that and I'm not going to live that way again. I'm sad because I'd like to have a healthy long happy M and that didn't happen....but missing that dream is different than being missing him.
He's found someone that he's moving full steam ahead with. Nothing would surprise me at this point. I'll never know if he's completely happy or if he ever has regrets...but I don't think he'll push himself out of "going with the flow" to ever address it. And I want someone who will. Who will run through the freakin rain for me. I'm pretty...ever prettier now that I've lost more weight. I'm funny....like really funny. I'm glamorous and I like sports. I can talk politics and pop culture. I have an interesting job that puts me in touch with interesting people. I always have fun stuff going on. People ask me to plan parties. I'm a great cook and good mom. I have a responsible intelligent teenager..which is pretty good for being a teen mom. I'm a hard worker...nothing's been handed to me. I have a lot to offer. Like Maggie says men would give their right arm for me.
I've been walking around feeling a bit validated in this I'm working on me thing. And through introspection beating myself up: this is how I need to change, this is how I need to be better, I made mistakes I need to work on this.....but I forgot just how much is good and right and wonderful about me. He has always loved my confidence, my sass, my fiestiness, my wit and sarcasm. I'm not saying that I want to get that back to get him back. I'm just saying that all that makes me attractive. I don't have to NOT be those things in order to not be selfish, pushy or controlling.
So in the words of the amazing Pattie Labelle: I've got a new attitude.
YES, YES, YES, Brit... love your new post! don't ever let go of those wonderful things about you!!
I have been feeling similarly. I was beating myself up for awhile and I got too stuck in "changing" my weak parts without celebrating the good parts of me. Yesterday I had a conversation w/ my sister and told her all the wonderful feedback I had gotten recently from work and friends and she said and I realized that I am pretty darn special. It felt good to think that!
My word for the day is BALANCE.. i can work on me but also need to balance that by celebrating who I already am...
You are incredible Brit, I love your spirit!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Aw thanks Vera....I read DB again and I don't know I feel like each time I have a mini revelation this part of me gets stronger and stronger. I do have good points and I'm working hard on the bad points.
I think in the past I've been approaching him with this sort of martyrdom/victim/guilt like I feel guilt or I feel like I'm pursuing or unwanted or bothering him in his new shiny life....It's not a matter of GAL in that sense it's just remembering. I was giving him all my power...when initially I was the one who decided he was happy being miserable and I wanted a bigger happier life.
I'm not running. I am 100% open to us working on issues. But I'm no longer approaching our friendship from a wounded position. I'm staying dark/dim/LRT but it will be a hell of a lot easier to Act as If and be happy when I see him because I'm so done.
He's been posting non stop on FB about eveything they do together....He stopped wanting to do ANYTHING go ANYWHERE when we were together. I don't know how else I can go on in my life waiting to get one text from him.
It makes me so angry that in our M I used to barter with him to get any time. I had to plead and plan and now he's off visiting museums and historical sites with her every weekend and she always checks him in on FB so the world can see. I feel like he's sticking it in my face. He doesn't get to have this honeymoon romance with her and still ask me about my life. I'm not going to be mean because it gets' me nowhere but I'm going darker.
Can you hide him from your feed? Your anger may come from a valid issue but you're angry because you're imparting meaning (H throwing it in your face) to OW's actions (which neither you nor H control). Detach, detach...
She checks him in half the time and the other half he checks in. I have hidden him its my fault I made the mistake in looking. I'm not asking him to fix that thing he said he would. It makes me angry that promises made to me are pretty far down the list but I'm not asking I'll pay for it whatever.
My sister gave me the 2x4 tonight. She said there were reasons you walked away and those reasons are now lessons. She said think of your past relationships you never would have dreamed then that you'd meet H and in 5 years you'll say I can't believe how I feel compared to this time in my life. And she's right. I've spent 2 hours stewing. I'm ready for my next chapter,,..he can decide if he wants to try to get in my story....but I'm the main character!
