Any chance to make it work? I need advice

[sweetbabyred]

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl


The sermon today was about freedom and this was one of the quotes mentioned. It immediately brought to mind my DBing efforts.

When H tries to goad me into being jealous, which I swear he does just to remind me that we're separated and I have no reason to be anymore, I need to keep this in mind. I need to detach and I think this explains perfectly how to go about it.

Instead of reacting immediately, I'm going to try to remember this quote and take my time responding. I'm sure it won't go so well at first, but it's got to be an improvement over my responses so far.

[sweetbabyred]

So Sunday night, around 7:30 I get a text from H asking what I'm doing. It's odd to hear from him so early, but I responded that I was relaxing and watching tv.

H then asked if I wanted to join him at a local bar/grill, where we used to go all of the time. My first reaction was, great!, he actually wants to spend time with me in a public place.

Almost immediately, I then wondered if he wanted "to talk" and it wasn't going to be good.

I get there a few minutes later. Fortunately, I was dressed cute already, so I just had to touch up my makeup. He was on his phone, texting, most likely and ignored me for at least a minute.

He then said hello and went back to texting. At this point, I decided to do the same and began responding to face book messages. That got his attention and he finally put down his phone.

Apparently, he'd spend the day at one of his friend's places, the young Hooters girl that I'd been suspicious of, and he was upset because he thinks he's falling for her, but he's just a friend to her.

I honestly wasn't surprised by this, because I'd suspected it all along. A guy isn't going to be able to hang out with a (somewhat) cute girl doing fun things and not feel some attraction.

Maybe if we ever did anything other than discuss bills and all the work that needs to be done on the house to get it sold, he'd fall back in love with me too. But he sees me as the responsible one, not someone to have fun with.

Long story somewhat short, he says he's done trying with us because he never wants to get this hurt again.

So for now, I've been trying to contact him only about the house. We didn't communicate at all yesterday and just had a few texts today about the bills, started by him.

I also copied him on a note to the realtor about the work we needed to do, so that he'd be informed without me reaching out to him directly.

This is so difficult, but I guess I'll know where I fit in when the house closes on the 30th and he moves somewhere.

I'm not sure whether to keep giving him time to figure out his life and his depression or to tell him to go ahead and file because there is no point in staying married if he is always going to want someone else.

It's one thing to be separated while we, i.e. him, figure things out, but I'm not sure if I can cope with him falling for people.

I've been thinking about it for three days now and still don't know. This isn't the relationship I ever thought I'd have. And I know that our current M is over and we'd have to start a new one, so maybe we should get a D.

At that point, I know I'd back out of his life and really let him see what he chose. I'm just not sure if I'd ever be willing or able to R with him if he wanted to and that scares me.

And here I go again, making plans for the future and trying to think through all of the possibilities. I just need to take one day at a time and see what happens.

On the positive, H does contact me when he's upset and hasn't actually filled out the D papers, so maybe he is still conflicted. I can't figure him out, so I need to stop wasting my time trying to right now.

[sweetbabyred]

I just think it's funny that I had an idea this was happening. The last week or so I kept asking him if he was starting to like anyone or found anyone he wanted to date.

He kept saying no and asking me why I kept asking him.

Our arrangement was that we could continue to ML as long as neither one of us was involved with or interested in someone else.

This allowed H to think that it was purely physical, and I could keep that connection with him without scaring him off.

I would never consider seeing someone until I'm officially D'd and it'll much likely be a long time after that before I'm ready to even consider the idea.

So even though he hasn't even told her that he likes her and I doubt it would go anywhere if he did, I had a feeling that this was happening.

Not that any of this matters, but at least I know that I'm not crazy.

[sweetbabyred]

It's been a few days since I've updated my sitch.

God willing, we'll be closing on our house three weeks from today. I need to transfer several thousand from my emergency fund so I'll be able to write a check at closing. Need to see how long that'll take to do.

I've tried to make H take on the bulk of the HOA repairs and buyer requests since I'm working and feel that the house is being sold because of his actions, so he should have to do some of the work.

I'm tired of always being the super responsible one who takes care of everything. H was always upset that I wasn't more fun, so I'll let him see how much fun it is to do all of the chores.

I was impressed that he called me this am to update me on the status of some of the calls he's made. I guess my telling him that it all needed to be done in two weeks made him realize he needed to hurry up.

His job interview in NY isn't until the 20th, so no income coming in any time soon. At least that'll give him a few days with his son before work potentially starts and time to pack up all of his stuff.

There are tons of boxes in the garage that he packed up last June, but nothing from the house has been packed yet, so he'll be busy.

Right now his plan is to move in with one of his best female friends who got divorced last year. He won't be living with his best friend, so it'll be a little less like a frat house, so maybe this will be good for him.

It will put him about 20 miles away, where all of his new friends live, so I most likely won't see him much. If he wants to see me, he'll have to put forth the effort.

Either he'll discover that he wants to act like a 20 year old forever, or he'll decide to grow up. Either way, it'll be good for me to know.

I've had a lot of time to think about what I want in a marriage. Some of those things I didn't have with H. I wouldn't have broken up a marriage over it, but now that it's broken I wouldn't go back into it the same way.

So while I may not have detached, I have accepted that our M is over and if we do begin again, it will be as a completely new relationship.

[scaredsilly]

"I've had a lot of time to think about what I want in a marriage. Some of those things I didn't have with H. I wouldn't have broken up a marriage over it, but now that it's broken I wouldn't go back into it the same way."

I think this happens a lot. You sound like you've reached acceptance and it must feel better?

[sweetbabyred]

SS, I hadn't really thought about it, but I guess it is acceptance. I just know that I no longer wish that I could wake up to discover it was all just a bad dream.

I deserve better than I had in the last few years with H. I'd still love for H to come around and become the husband that I want, but even if he wanted to come back tomorrow, I wouldn't go back to our old marriage.

When we first started dating, H was so polite and always checking to make sure I was okay and comfortable. Then we just got used to each other and his friends became more important.

I want a true partner, one I can consult with about big plans, such as where to spend the holidays, as well as little things, about where and with who to spend Friday night. I don't want to live like roommates.

Knowing that it wasn't perfect, although nothing ever is, makes it a little easier to deal with the loss.

[scaredsilly]

I agree. You do deserve someone who will cherish you.

To have him tell you that he thinks he may be falling for someone had to have been so hard to hear. You don't deserve that kind of treatment.

I think the next time he wants your company, you might not be so available?
He may need to have another relationship to find out that eventually, we all have to pay the bills together, fix the dishwasher, mow the grass, paint the bedroom, and on and on. He's in a fantasy world right now.

((()))

[sweetbabyred]

I really do need to be less available.

Once the house sells, H will probably be moving about 20 miles away, so unless he comes to me, I won't see him much.

For the last few days, he hasn't talked to me much, but I think that's because the girl he thought he'd lost a friendship with has decided to still hang out with him.

Since cute young girl has apparently given him another chance, at least as friends, he doesn't need to see me. Guess he's not as lonely now.

Funny thing is, he and her friends went rope climbing/ cliff diving(!) on Sunday and H cut his foot all up. Calls me to come over and see him. I was busy getting stuff ready for the next day, so I went over about two hours later.

H apparently couldn't even bandage up his foot until I got there to help him get bandages (in the medicine cabinet first aid kit, no less). So this girl is a lot of fun to hang out with, but he can't get bandages from her?

Even he made a comment that he was too old to be doing stuff like that.

I'm just getting really sick of seeing charges to Hooters, bars, and fun places like bowling alleys on the joint credit card when he's broke from not working for almost two months.

H mentioned today that he might close out his retirement accounts so that he can help me close on the house and still be able to pay for classes in the fall.

Ok, but maybe he should stop drinking, smoking, and spending money all the time. Then his money would have gone a lot further.

He was so happy to finally become debt free from all of his student loans right after we got married. We even volunteered at three Dave Ramsey events together.

It's just such a change to know that his own cards are carrying balances right now and he hasn't paid child support since it was last taken out of his check in May.

H would have to do a few 180s of his own for me to be willing to try again at this point.

I need to remind myself to detach, detach. He's getting himself into this mess. If he decides he wants out, he has to do it himself. Life seems fun now, but eventually the bills will have to be paid, in more ways than one.

[scaredsilly]

"I need to remind myself to detach, detach."


and how does this statement line up with going over to bandage his foot that he has hurt while with OW? and being "less available"?

[sweetbabyred]

I didn't go over there with the intention to bandage his foot. I assumed he was a grown man and would have done that before I got there. I went over about two hours after I spoke with him because I had my own stuff to do, so he had plenty of time to take care of it.

I didn't know the story of how he'd hurt it until I got there and in my defense, it was about four days ago, so it was before I decided that I really needed to be less available.
The last I'd heard, he was with mutual guy friends on the other side of town, so it came as a surprise to me.

I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back. He can't come running back to me to do all of the grown up stuff if he doesn't want me in his life.

At one point I thought that because he was depressed and had such low self esteem, that it might actually help him to see that I still cared, but I don't think that's helped the sitch at all.

I wanted to think that my sitch was different, but obviously it's not. I've had enough of being co-dependent and always taking care of him. He's a grown man so he needs to figure out who's going to watch his son when he's busy working or how he's going to pack up all of his stuff to move.

Not that I can't wait to see my stepson, but I'm not going to offer to have him so that H can go out and have fun or make things easier for him.

My MIL told me to be less available so that he could really see how life will be without me. I think I'm finally strong enough to do that.

SS, thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts and give me feedback. I really do appreciate it. I am paying attention, even if it may seem that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to.