thats what i like to hear brit. give yourself some credit. you feel good, you know it. you feel bad, you know it. more importantly, you look into why you feel these ways and identify what is goin on with you. if i could be half as wise as you, i would be further on than i am. fear is tough. no one likes to feel that way. i've been reading LITB's threads last couple of days. good stuff. i was just reading this when i saw you posted...
This is the title of the evening meditation: WHEN FEAR COMES CHARGING IN
When I get really afraid I come to you in trust. Psalm 56:3
Fear is a powerful, unreasonable emotion. It influences how you think and react, and it even affects your physical well-being. Fear will stop you from reaching your potential or from allowing your loved ones to be all they can be. You know God is directing you in a certain way, but you refuse to step out in faith because of your apprehension.
Understand that your fear is based on an expectation of punishment-you believe it’s inevitable that only bad things will happen. Instead, you must focus on God’s character. God is all-powerful, all knowing, and completely loving. So obey him-he’ll only lead you in what’s best for you. With God, you never have to be afraid.
God, fear is a powerful influence in my life. Help me to obey you in faith and trust you whenever my anxieties come charging in. Amen
In God, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What can mere man do to me? Psalm 56:4
Thanks SS it's very hard sometimes. My knee jerk is to say screw this I'm not going to sit at home while he's out with her and putting it in public. (and then I think that he probably felt the same way)
but I also think that this is what I'm trying to change. It's not a race or a competition. I'm also trying to teach myself not to define myself by my R. That part of my life isn't my whole life. I need to figure out how to be Me and that me will be the same me in M, in a R, or on my own.
It's hard. I never would have thought you could be addicted to love in the same way as something else. But that's how I feel...it's the same way I felt when I struggled with food issues, with quitting smoking, etc. I've conquered those I can learn to face this. Something happens and you want to throw in the towel or you want to lash out.
It's hard because the thing that I'm fighting against is also part of a goal. Not lashing out is putting my feelings second.
Quote:
Understand that your fear is based on an expectation of punishment-you believe it’s inevitable that only bad things will happen.
I really like this. It's true. Fear is because I'm not believing in a positive outcome or that I deserve a positive outcome.
I'm also trying to teach myself not to define myself by my R. That part of my life isn't my whole life. I need to figure out how to be Me and that me will be the same me in M, in a R, or on my own.
I love this Brit!
I avoided going walking outside my house much the first few months of this bc I did not want to see any neighbours...I felt ashamed...that I had been left meant that everyone would know that something was wrong with me.
Now I do not feel that way, I am ME, regardless of what W does or does not do, M or not..
We here are on a journey to learn how to find happiness within ourselves, realizing that it can not come through anyone else... able to be happy no matter what anyone else does.. we are GROWING!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
So I really wish I had instituted my own 24 hour rule today. One of my mini goals or hopes was that he would initiate contact something he has done once since I went dim. Last night he liked something of mine on FB and today he sent a text.
The text was thoughtful but it also got under my skin. This weekend I had a pretty big moment in my career. He sent a text to say that he hoped I was enjoying myself and that I should be really proud of myself that 11 year old me would be.
I replied and said thanks it was sweet of you to think of me. I am enjoying myself. Got a bit emotional last night [about the achievement] and yes I am proud.
It got under my skin because he didn't say he was proud of me or that he was happy for me and why does he think I need him to tell me I should be proud of myself GRR and in a small way I'm upset that I let him in to my emotions. He didn't reply after that.
But then again this could be a 180 for me. In the past he's always been really supportive vocally of my career (even when I was doing better than him) and I didn't always acknowledge that...I grew to take it for granted. Even after we split he was the first person I told when I got a promotion, because I knew he always believed in me.
Anyway, maybe it's a 180 that I acknowledge his support and continue to show him that I am kind/thoughtful/thankful rather than pushy selfish etc it would have been more the old me to ignore and reply much later when I wasn't basking in my old glory.
Oh I don't know. And does it mean anything that it's the first time he's initiated contact on a WEEKEND in ages (minus that time he was coming over while helping GF move. Lately he only texts me when he's at work or if he's coming over to visit)
It's a hard line to walk. To want to be in his life on his terms and hold onto my own self esteem. To be honest that text threw me off I was thinking about him all day instead of focusing on my job. I was distracted and emotional.
I spent part of today feeling a bit sorry for myself. Seeing happy families, couples and wanting that so bad. Feeling torn in not liking who he is and yet thinking I shouldn't give up.
Part of me wonders if I'm in this because I really love him or because I think it's the right thing to do.
My mind plays tricks on me and I think that he's moved on and I should just accept he doesn't want me to thinking he's not good enough for me. I swing between feeling at the bottom of the barrel to the top...and neither of those are probably true emotions.
I go back to my crystal ball I want to be his friend and I'm not ready to date. It's hard and it hurts. The right thing is not the easiest thing. And I know the easy thing won't solve things but sometimes I feel like I want it anyway.
Congrats on your big moment. It says a great deal about you that you have been able to reach it in the midst of all that is going on. You are inspiring!
I lost my parents when I was in my 20's and I miss them most when good things happen to me bc I can't share it with them. I wonder if you were feeling similarly about your success today.
My mind plays tricks too and it is so hard to not know what is real... I love what Val wrote on my thread a few weeks back.. "It's only until the feelings and emotions settle... that the truth will appear."
((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I understand why you let the text get under your skin but I think you are reading too much into the wording of a text message, which is even more limited than email, and you know how tone doesn't come across in email. Perhaps the wording was his way of expressing that he was proud of you but at the same time he learned in the past that you weren't appreciative of his expressions.
I would chalk it up as a positive interaction (that he thought of you) and leave it at that.
PS - you also did note the positive of this being the first time of him texting you on a weekend in a long time, that could be another positive but it's kind of buried among your worrying about the wording. Again, this looks more positive than negative but it's good that you are recognizing that this is a good place for you to work on your 180s in being thankful for praise
i know how this feels - the back and forth. what should i do.
i was doing it for weeks , and then it came to me - i don't have to decide one way or another, i can just stay still about this and let my mind relax - and then the answers will come.
i liked what valerie wrote - it's the same.
we don't have to decide now. the back and frothing takes us away from the true focus - which is working on ourselves, taking care of ourselves. and suddenly one day, at least i think that's how it works, we'll wake up and we'll just know.
i think it's sort of the same for the WAS - specially the ones that are conflicted - just like we are conflicted and then one day, they just know too.
i don't think we can see that day coming, but before it comes, we seem to fight it in our minds so very hard.
just my thoughts
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Zig you are absolutely right! And Grace yes I think it was a bit of that especially because this weekend I spent time with a couple who H and I were friends with we were in the wedding etc. now they have an 18 month old. And although I'm not entirely sure they're happy I did miss my M. But like everyone says that M is gone and it is a mourning. And I do think that when big events happen although I was proud of myself it was strange he wasn't there as he has been for the past 7 years. He knows my struggles and how hard I've worked which is why he sent that message. He didn't have to and to be honest if the situation was reversed I don't know that I would have I may have felt like I was overstepping.
I do need to be still. It is something that come to be. It's helping that I've levelled out in terms of I don't like who he is right now, he hasn't grown. But then again he's not sharing much of his life with me so maybe that's what the friendship we'll do.....we have to get to know each other again.
