You're mind reading. DO NOT JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. Take it for what it is. You get to see your SD. Be the best dad in that short time that you can.
Do not engage your W in any R talk at all. Don't guilt her, don't call her names, stop thinking in the back of your mind that she's a liar, etc. Those negative thoughts will creep up on you and can ruin your chances.
Be nice and cordial.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I will absolutely cherish whatever time I get to see daughter. I truly hope that there isn't an excuse for me not being able to see her. But I still won't let that get to me. I'll just keep asking.
I know in her "words" it is over. I am hoping my coaching session will help shed some light on this tomorrow, but I still don't know how to react when she tells me she wants to end this and it's over. I feel like I would be giving up by saying ok, but on the other hand, I would be disagreeing with her, which was one of our problems.
"I still don't know how to react when she tells me she wants to end this and it's over."
Say this...I understand how you feel and I respect it. And right now I'm interested in the relationship with SD.
When she says "Well why don't you give me what I want?"
Look her square in the eye and tell her. "I haven't stopped you. I don't agree with D and you should respect my decision. You want a D and I've respected that. If that is what you want, then you will have to take care of the paperwork. Why should I do something that I don't want to do? That will be you trying to control me. Now excuse me, I'm here to see my D."
You have to show no fear. WASs can sense when there's fear.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"Look her square in the eye and tell her. "I haven't stopped you. I don't agree with D and you should respect my decision. You want a D and I've respected that. If that is what you want, then you will have to take care of the paperwork. Why should I do something that I don't want to do? That will be you trying to control me. Now excuse me, I'm here to see my D."
That's great... Whether it is on phone, text, or in person on Monday, I know it will come up at some point. She doesn't really push it, but will want to figure things out. Maybe it's just me "overthinking", but I think the quicker she would get what she wants, she won't feel as guilty. Just my opinion. She knows my stance on D and has said her L won't draw papers up and send them to me if I'm not going to sign. She knows that I would wait the 2 years for courts to make it go through.
You know, as i have been reading posts from the last several hours on yet another Friday evening, i keep seeing one thing that keeps coming up and I can't quit thinking about it. These posts talk about GAL to be happy for yourself. Do things you enjoy to be happy. What if one of the keys to my happiness comes from being M, having a family, a W, kids...? Before I met my wife, I was happy, but I was missing something. The day I met her, something changed. The one thing that had been missing in my life finally showed up. I mean, I had an amazing family, friends, hobbies, a good job. And when we got married, something happened that I don't know if I can explain. It was as if God gave me W and D. I know the saying that you are the only one that can make yourself happy. but what if having the bond of M and family is the only thing I need to be happy. Regardless of what happens, I know that life will go on. That I will be "happy" again. That all the other things that I enjoy doing will still be there. But the one thing that truly defined who I wanted to be or what I wanted more than anything is slowly being torn away and there is nothing I can do about it.
I'll never regret meeting my wife because she and D are the best thing that ever happened to me. But I feel that I wish I never met her or at least she would have let me know that she didn't have the same expectations that I did. I mean, we talked, in depth for months about everything. And now, the happiness that I want most, will never be.
We have all felt what your feeling man. We could all say to our other halfs "You complete me."
But the reality we face has to be navigated. The alternative is to believe our lives are incomplete without marriage and family and not having that or any control over it will only lead to longing, regret and misery.
We have to believe in our heart of hearts and be open to the possibility that we can be happy and fulfilled in any number of different scenarios at least to the point where the thought of what we lost no longer stings us into paralysis.
Don't ever think you wish you two had never met. I used to think that - alot - that God could have planted the souls of my kids in another couple. But that's not right, because they are a part of ME and us. For the joy of having them in my life and the "good years" of marriage, I would go throughthe bomb, the divorce, the pain, the heartache, the rollercoaster, the fvcking "sitch" all over again. And I'm not jus' sain' that to sound aloof. Forgive my French.
Pickle
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I guess i just dont get it... Why can marriage and family be one of the things that makes us happy. Just like music, hobbies, ect. All I am trying to say is that, even though we had problems, my life "was" much happier M than to not have that.
"Why can marriage and family be one of the things that makes us happy."
There's nothing wrong with this. But it has to make BOTH people happy. Don't you get it?
I guess I didn't realize until now how self-centered your posts are. All you've written about is your happiness and how your W not being there messes it up. You call her a liar and accuse her of things. The biggest thing you're missing is compassion. You're not REALLY thinking about things from her POV. You can only focus on the negative and not think from a compassionate view why she's doing what she's doing.
Even when you say that you can help her be happy if she comes back, etc. In the end it's all to only make YOU happy. Well she's not happy and that's that.
So you don't have a W and family right now. Deal with that fact. Then you can move on to what to do next and see what the next thing is that makes you happy.
Again, you're choosing to stay in the hole and refuse to look up for a way out.
Rinse, repeat
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Bond, I never said "us"! I said me!! I appreciate your opinions and thoughts, but if I am to continue using this forum from ur standpoint, I would give up the fight. In her eyes, the only thing that would make her happy is a divorce. She is content with being apart, and not willing to do any thing to save our M. You may be a veteran on here from your number of posts, but you tell me to be compassionate about what she feels.. I have been for the last 3 months. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have packed all my stuff and moved. I feel she is doing this because she is confused about what she wants and what it takes to make a marriage work.
What if one of the keys to my happiness comes from being M, having a family, a W, kids...? Before I met my wife, I was happy, but I was missing something.
Because this means you weren't really happy in yourself and on your own. You can't look at a person to find something missing in you. Otherwise what are you offering....you're taking from them. And if someone feels responsible for your happiness that's a whole lot of pressure and burden to bear.
No one is saying you shouldn't want to be married or want to be a parent. We're saying you shouldn't NEED it in order to function on a daily basis.
Quote:
I feel she is doing this because she is confused about what she wants and what it takes to make a marriage work.
Yes she is confused about what she wants. And I think you're confused as well about what it takes to make a marriage work. We ALL are of we wouldn't be here.
Are you patient enough to give her what she wants even if it means not having what you want?
Are you going to take the time to honestly look at how you can be a better partner to her should you get back together? And yes you contributed to the break up as well...it's never one sided. And even the best of spouses can improve.
