I've read the posts. I'm thinking about them and I'm rather all over the place mentally and emotionally. I'm trying to step away a bit and regroup, relax, stop obsessing, let go of the reins. I need to be able to think on this with a clear head and an open heart.
In the meantime, I have a dilemma. H has said for years that he would like to have someone that he could bounce things off, relationally. He knows I've chatted on various message boards on various topics (gardening, kids, etc.) and so he said he went looking for something for himself but couldn't find anything. He also meets regularly with other men and men's groups under the term accountability partners, but readily admits that little accountability actually occurs. Without including all the gory details, suffice it to say nothing ever happened.
My dilemma: I can find message boards all over the place with ease. Do I assume that, in spite of his computer career/background, that he really doesn't have the capacity to find them and offer him with a list? Or assume that he does have the ability but really doesn't want to and that's just his excuse? I could probably focus on it and form a position based upon my (tainted) opinion, but I'm throwing that out and asking you wise, experienced folks instead. He has not specifically asked me for a list, just asked me what I googled and how I find them.
To further complicate things, I could give H THIS site, as I feel it is filled with wonderful and insightful advice, but then I feel like I should leave because that just seems awkward. I don't want to leave, but a number of you have asked what his take is on the R and it would certainly provide an open door to that information. If he had searched out his own sites, I would have let him do his own choosing and just crossed my fingers. As it is, if I should offer a list of sites, should I include this one?
BTW, this topic came up again yesterday when H asked about the board I spend a lot of time on (this one.) I didn't invent this idea to come up with something for HIM to do. Up until this point (months), I've just blown off his comments as hot air. I'm trying to step out of my typical response and thought I'd ask.
I don't know. How would you feel if he read what you've written so far and realized it was about him? If he came on here too andparticipated, maybe people could provide some help to him.
If my H asked I would not provide the name of this forum, and I hope that he would not find it. It's a valuable resource for me and I need to be able to talk all the way through my feelings, some of which are ugly and some of which aren't really how I feel just a little while later. I feel H would miss the evolutionary aspect of what I write and be insulted by things I've written.
I would say my forum is a private place I journal with like-minded people and I'd prefer he seek out his own resources. Rinse, repeat.
You're right that it is not your responsibility to do this work for him, to find a message board to participate in. He may just be wondering who's capturing so much of your attention.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
There have been couples who have used this site, at the same time.
If we get out of the "why's" and "meaning" of your H's request, then we have to assume that he actually is wanting a good place for support.
Don't assume what he means...
Find out if he is asking you for feedback. If he is, then...
IF you feel comfortable, you could have a conversation about him being on the same site as you. This IS a good site and if your were not here, this would absolutely be my suggested site.
So, first, consider if you would like to "share" this site with him. IF you might, ask him if he would be willing to share a site with you. If not, either way (which is fine, of course) there are other DB "like" sites out there. IF he is asking AND you are providing, just let him know to seek out M friendly sites or counsellors or what have you.
Again, first ask him if he is asking you for "help".
adinva, while I understand what you are saying, I do not believe in keeping secrets from my spouse. I'm not judging you by saying that, it's just how I feel.
So as ugly as some of my posts might feel now, I am human and if my W was not willing to accept the good AND the bad in me, then so be it. If my W or anyone for that matter, found my posts and put me to the posts, I would not be ashamed.
That's my feelings and I accept that others might feel different.
Thanks for your replies, Advina and KD, you pretty much expressed my consternation.
So, I asked H if he was wanting help with finding a discussion forum and he said yes. I suggested that he could check out askmen (figuring he would feel comfortable with that, he said he had been there, didn't know they had a board) and the Willard Harley site. I had to show him how to maneuver the site, pick a forum, submit a post, etc. so he really is clueless about it. He said he was just going to read for a while, which is probably a good idea.
I didn't offer this site just yet. I'm going to see if he's really the type to use a message board before I decide if I'm willing to give up mine. I have a feeling he'll do it for a few days and then throw it out, not being willing to invest the time. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt though and wait and see.
Now I'm struggling with whether my knowing what he posts would be good or not. I don't visit either of those sites, so I won't stumble across his posts but I am curious. That's part of why I had wanted him to find his own site without my help, and why I didn't want both of us on the DB site. I didn't want to be tempted. I like my privacy (vs. secrecy,) he should have his.
