Each situation is so different. I think that, in the past, my small contacts w/ W made her feel guilty, even if that wasn't my attention. This guilt did not pull her back to me, it did the opposite. I think it also made her feel like I was trying to control her. You know him best and how he may feel about the contact.
He has always wanted to be friends. He has continued to see me and spend time with me in a friendly way. I have been the one to pursue R talks, pursue him, etc. I worry that now, when he says that he might be moving in with her and I flip out, he could be thinking that perhaps we can't be friends. Me reminding him of feelings only makes him feel guilty.
Because I was the one to walk away and come back "when it suited me" or "when he found someone" or "when he became happy" (all things he's said) I worry that he is testing me to see if I will stick around, if I won't just walk when I don't get my way, if I'll respect his feelings and accept his friendship which is all he's offering at the moment. So I do feel like I need to make "some" attempts towards the friendship without pursuing. This is the first time I've initiated a text convo in 2 weeks.
There are a few truths I know: Even if the crystal ball told me we would never get back together, I'm not ready to date right now. Even if the crystal ball told me we would never get back together, I'd still want him as a friend.
So for those reasons I'm trying my hardest to show him that I can be a friend without wanting an outcome. It's hard it's everything I'm not: dominating, selfish, controlling, etc. But i don't want to be that.
Defining moments someone said. I want to be a better person.
Thank you Jack that means more than you probably know. A lot of time I feel like I'm floundering or like its all a little too late or maybe I'm playing the fool. I don't know much all I really know is how I feel and what I'm doing. And that's why I said the crystal ball thing. I'm not ready to move on and I do want to be his friend.
He didn't come tonight. I was fine. I had a good night. I had a fantastic time and was proud of the way I acted. It was very flattering to be able to turn someone down.
So Jack thinks I'm doing the right thing that's good to hear. 20 30 40 years from now I want H in my life he will always be special to me.
Oh and I've always had more guy friends than girls haha I've thought I was a more guy than chick for a long time! LOL so stick with me!
Had a moment today where I had to hunt and confront a feeling.
Do we want our S to become better whole complete people even if they go on to be that better partner with someone else?
Do we want what's best for them or only if that "best" includes us?
Is it wrong or right to feel that way?
I had this exact thing happen with an exBF. I thought he'd reformed his ways and owned a business and gotten married and became succesful after I'd been supporting him. 5 years later I find out he's still the scumbag he was when he was with me. And that didn't make me feel any happier. I wasn't happy when I thought he was model citizen and I wasn't happy when he was a dirtbag.
So changing patterns: can I be happy for H if he is truly happy but that's with someone else?
I think his mom still has a twinge of "what might have been" with his dad. Even though they're remarried to other people. And even as recent as a few weeks ago he emailed her a nostalgic video she forwarded on to me. Is it "what might have been" or is it just that you two shared something a time, a place, experiences, and you'll always have those memories together that no one can duplicate even though the R didn't work..
I've hunted, I've confronted, but I haven't solved!
Today I noticed the manic thoughts that once consumed me have faded to a dull noise in the back of my mind I stead of the hammering it once was. I hid him on FB but he hasn't posted much about his activity in the past few months I don't know if that's because he's never been much of an fb'er or because he's being careful of my feelings. But that's certainly helped me in detaching.
I sent him a text yesterday..something about S and something funny about someone we mutually know. He replied with a similar story about someone he once knew and made a joke. Because he didn't ask me any question to continue the convo I didn't reply and felt good about that.
Had a mini-pity-moment last night when I was locking the doors turning off lights and thought he gets to go to bed with someone every night....but I know that this being alone being independent working on my self esteem and codependency issues will so be worth it in the end.
I'm having a fantastic GAL weekend and a work friend of mine who moved away invited me to visit in a few weeks time. And I had a moment where I thought about how far I've come in my career.
My horoscope said this series of eclipses mirror the ones in 93 which is when I went from ugly duckling to queen bee as a teenager. So I using that memory to think about my current metamorphosis! (in other news H's says he is the best time for romance since 2000. And he's getting everything his heart desires...,so horoscopes are cr&p right? LOL)
