Adinva, I admire what you're doing in regards to self-improvement, and I completely agree with it. I've always felt it was each of our own lifetime responsibilities to be the best "us" (singular) that we could be. I think we do ourselves a disservice if we go through life unconsciously. I would hate to think that I'm the same person I was when I was 20.
I don't read in your post anything about building trust or R with your H. That was more my question. Or are you saying that you can/will sustain this R indefinitely because you're so happy internally, it actually doesn't matter to you that your H might be having an A?
Thanks CV and I agree with you. I got to a place in life where I was getting kind of stagnant and this really shook things up - I'm glad for that.
To answer your question, my answers are frustrating you because they're not getting to the point of what you want. But I'm suggesting that you don't want the right thing for the point you're at. You don't want to build trust on a weak foundation, and you're the foundation. You don't want to build trust with someone who's not ready to be there for you, and your H is not.
So I'm saying I can/will sustain this R indefinitely until I decide I'm done with it. I'm hoping that my internal happiness draws my H back to wanting to work things out with me, making the affair irrelevant at that point. I'm recognizing that that may never happen and it may need to be me that ends things. But for now, I have a lot of work to do and I'm not looking so much at H.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Would you be doing anything differently if you knew your H was not coming back. Or will you be doing anything differently if you finally decide to end it? (Not physical, like using his old office as a craft room, but personal.)
That's a hard question for me to answer. I had to think about it.
I think there's like a little ember of love I have for him that I'm keeping alive. I am willing myself through this period where he's being absolutely the worst husband and I am trying to hold onto my love/vows/commitment to him while I think there's a chance of salvaging our marriage and family. This is what enables me to be vulnerable to him, to try to establish connections, to forgive potentially anything and everything. I worry sometimes that after he sees the grass is not greener he might want to come back and I'll have lost that ember and not be able to love him anymore. But I keep it now as an unconditional fact, in case things change and he becomes interested again.
That I believe will change when the marriage ends. We'll still coparent, we'll still see each other at family gatherings, but I believe I will release that ember and close my heart to him so I don't feel hurt by his rejection.
I don't know how to explain that in more concrete terms. Does it make sense to you? Does it get at what you were asking?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
to be vulnerable to him, to try to establish connections
how do you do this without trust? Or do you somehow still trust him while he's being "absolutely the worst possible H?"
I suspect those things will stop? Can you give me an idea of what that looks like?
I really appreciate your efforts towards this. This is absolutely, positively where my confusion lies -- to make for a happy me or a happy H when I can't seem to do both.
I'm vulnerable to H because I trust MYSELF that I will be ok. He said some of the most awful things a H could say to a W and what happened? I survived, and I actually benefited from it. So worst case scenario if I put myself out there and he rebuffs me, can I deal with that? If yes, then I trust myself to go ahead and try.
How to stop taking my feelings from my H's words and actions I learned from Pia Mellody's CDs on boundaries, which I listened to about 4 or 5 times. I posted the notes from them somewhere on these message boards. Maybe that CD set would help with what you're struggling with.
I didn't understand your second paragraph.
You've got to learn to make a happy you - your H is on his own for his happiness. That's covered in the boundaries series too.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Sorry, perhaps I misunderstood your post. So you wouldn't stop being vulnerable to H or stop trying to make connections if it ended, because you would still trust yourself to be ok? The only thing that would change for you are your feelings for him?
(BTW, I'm not ignoring the rest of your posts. I'm just trying to keep focused and not sidetrack at the moment. I will definitely take into consideration your other comments ie. the CD's.)
Oh, if it ended I would be done being vulnerable and I would be done trying to rebuild connections. I would put my emotional energy into a new relationship when I'm ready for that. Until then, my dogs would get extra love.
Right now I'm trying to improve myself and save my marriage. When I'm done saving my marriage, either because the D process has been completed or because I no longer want to save my marriage, at that point I will stop the things that are designed to save it.
I'll let that ember go out. I'll stop hoping for him to come back. I'll put some emotional and physical distance between us to protect myself while I get over him and get over the hurt and rejection. I'll stop living with him. I'll stop keeping the house neat for him. I'll stop picking him up at the airport. I'll stop avoiding other men who might be interested in me. I would not let myself be vulnerable to H because I would no longer be seeking to establish intimacy with him.
There are a lot of things I've learned that I would still practice with him because we'll still be coparents and will need to get along. I've learned how to be less reactive, how to take things less personally, how to communicate more clearly and how to recognize and stop oppositional behavior that I'm guilty of. I'll use the tools I have to have a good coparenting relationship with him. But I intend to move on and look elsewhere to get my emotional and relationship needs met.
Does that get at what you're asking?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yes, thank you. And it's completely in line with my thinking. Then you would be a WAW. It's all about stages.
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But I intend to move on and look elsewhere to get my emotional and relationship needs met.
This is very validating. I kept getting the message from some of the posts that I was somehow deficient because I have emotional and relationship needs. That somehow because of that need, I'm not happy as a person, when I would say I am. Always changing, always improving, but happy nonetheless.
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I'll put some emotional and physical distance between us to protect myself while I get over him and get over the hurt and rejection.
This too. I've felt like I was being told I was dysfunctional because my H can do things that hurt me (aka. cause me sadness, aka. unhappiness.) Unless there's some non-S&M version to be hurt and happy that I'm not aware of...
Thanks so much! I feel like I've been interrogating you, but you've been so helpful! At least I don't feel like I've completely lost touch with reality anymore.
Now, in keeping with my 'living happy' commitment, I'm going to go pick up my son's bud and take them to the pool, while I do some reading! When I get back, I'm going to take some time and reread the posts up until now and glean. Thanks again, Adinva!
