Brit45, I appreciate your response. Does it make sense when I say I do not want a D, nor do I want to be married to this version of my W? I wish I could see into the future. I wish I didn't feel so "thrown away", so de-valued. I have some thinking to do. -confused68
I do not want to be married to "this" woman, and she is hellbent on moving on. I took the kids away this weekend to see my family, and she spent the weekend with him, at his apartment. They house hunted together and had a grand old time. Am I angry? Yes. Do I feel like I am disposable? Yes.
But ultimately I am filing because I do not want this arrangement. A SAHM who has decided that she needs to do whatever she wants, make any excuse for it and damn the consequences.
I do not want to condone it, accept it, or in anyway approve it.
I asked her to stop, she said no. I asked her to move out, she said no. I asked her to switch weeks at the house so the kids don't have to move, she said no.
I am not being respected. My boundaries are not being accepted.
I see no other choice.
I am not doing this to "wake her up" - I am doing this for me.
You know of course that the A was probably a result of her needs not being met. Have you ever figured that out or has she told you? She's not going to go back to you if the problems are still there. Honestly, if you don't figure that out, it doesn't matter what relationship you're in. It will happen again.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes, I know that and offered to work on reconciliation several times. Her repeated answer: "I want to be separated." As far as her needs - I have tried to get her to talk about them with me. I have my ideas of what they are, but I need her to tell me. She needs to say them. She won't. I understand that she was unhappy, hence the A. Does not excuse the A, but explains it. I have told her I would forgive her and we would work on the M, but she won't.
I do not want to be married to "this" woman, and she is hellbent on moving on.
Yup. However, this woman is not the woman I married. I occasionally get glimpses of the woman I married, but the alien she is now I hope is just a phase.
Quote:
I do not want to condone it, accept it, or in anyway approve it.
I asked her to stop, she said no. ..........
I am not being respected. My boundaries are not being accepted.
Yup. I told my W the same thing. She knows how I feel, but is making her own choices. The more I demand or try to control her actions, the more she goes to the OM.
As much as it stinks, the OM is a fantasy. He is all fun and good. You and I are the reasons she wasn't happy in her eyes.
Hardest thing to do is detach and go dark so she has to finally accept her decisions.
Here is how I get by when I think about the OM: My best friend and I pretty much agree on what is going on. So whenever I go to him with what I think is going on/what they are doing, he simply says "It isn't something we don't already know, so why worry about it."
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
"and offered to work on reconciliation several times."
The fact is that you have to start changing now before reconciliation can even happen. I mean how does she know that if she decides to reconcile with you that you won't go back on your word?
"but I need her to tell me."
No you don't. Write down even the small things that she used to complain about under her breath. That's going to be your answer.
"I have told her I would forgive her and we would work on the M,"
Uh doesn't work that way. You either forgive her or you don't. Not because she's going to drop the other guy. If you don't reassure her that she's forgiven, she's always going to feel like you're going to hold it over her.
Actually in your posts, all you've done is concentrate on the A. But what were the marital issues that got you to that point? Really think about it and write them here. That is going to be the answer.
DBing isn't about fixing the marriage together. It's about fixing yourself first and then seeing how that in turn fixes the M. She looked at you and the OM and saw him as the better option because she felt that you were or weren't doing something that pushed the right buttons in her. She may not even know what those things are.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond, You are ticking me off and you just might have a point. I read your first post from 4 years ago - your story seems to be similar to mine. I will tell you what I think is making her unhappy and what I have done or not,
I have gained 45 pounds since we were married - she says it wan't bothering her, but I am guessing she did not want me hanging around her marathon running friends looking like a slob. This year, before Dday, I was losing weight and as of now, have lost 25 pounds. I have changed my diet (eating habits, portion sizes) and am working out regularly. I have not been this weight since 2002. She complimented me on it a few weeks ago, I told her I was going to need some new clothes (no agenda, just making small talk) and two days later there were clothes in my room.
I put work ahead of the family - well, I will admit, I am going to work more now than before, if only because the house is so tense, and she is a SAHM so working from home seemed like inviting tension. More than anything I tend to get lost in my thoughts and miss out on small talk. There will be times she will say - you didn't even hear what I was saying" and while I can often repeat what she said, she is right, I was not listening actively. I think there are reasons for it and I am in IC - but how does one do a 180/LRT AND show they are a good listener?
"but I am guessing she did not want me hanging around her marathon running friends looking like a slob."
Probably not.
"She complimented me on it a few weeks ago, I told her I was going to need some new clothes (no agenda, just making small talk) and two days later there were clothes in my room."
These little actions are good signs. The point is to increase these.
"if only because the house is so tense"
The tension is caused by the both of you. But it only takes one person to break it. Leaving only strengthens it.
"More than anything I tend to get lost in my thoughts and miss out on small talk."
Big no-on to a SAHM. You are her primary source of adult interaction. Because of this you need to be the one who feeds her need for adult interaction the most. No matter how tired you were, you need to validate the things she does and show that what she does has worth.
"There will be times she will say - you didn't even hear what I was saying" and while I can often repeat what she said, she is right, I was not listening actively."
Exactly.
"I think there are reasons for it and I am in IC - but how does one do a 180/LRT AND show they are a good listener?"
I'll tell you a secret. There is no secret. You just listen. Think back to when the two of you were first dating. You probably hung on to every word she said and picked up little things here and there. That's the mindset you need to get back to. That's the mindset of the OM. For example, if your W complained that she had a hard time giving the kids a bath for some reason, the next nite you just give the kids a bath without her asking. Just like how you just decided to work out without her telling you. These little cues show her that you are listening and will get her to open up a little more.
Think about her like a dog that wanders into your yard. If you charge it and offer it food and water, etc. (its needs) it will run. Same as your W. But if you approach it slowly, be comforting and offer it a little reward, eventually it will allow you to get close again.
If someone told you that you had to do something or to stop something that they didn't like (even if it were an inappropriate R) would you want to listen? Of course not.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Got home from the gym and she had made some dinner for all of us. Sat with her and my D8 at the table and talked small talk (D8 helps with that) - and then she got called out on a work emergency. I am not sure if it was or not, but I decided that instead of going to my room and closing the door I would stay out in the common space and see what happened. She got home relatively quickly and we wound up talking for about 45 minutes. I spent as much time as I could listening to her frustrations about work, the couple (which is the middle of a D themselves) that is selling the house and all the drama around it and then we started talking about the future. She wants out, she sees a better life without me as her husband (not exact words, but the general feeling) - I stayed neutral, just listened and agreed where I could. We talked about the kids, about lawyers and family...I found the conversation to be frustrating and moving towards confrontational (it's clear her lawyer and family do not know about her A, and are telling her to get "as much from me as she can" )and I told her it was a nice talk, but I didn't like where the conversation was going, so I was going to bed. This morning it was relatively friendly, but just relative. She showed me houses she was looking at and we talked about some household stuff.
