Brit those are some pretty big things to get out. Congrats on your self-realizations. Keep working on you. Knowing what you need to focus on is most of the battle.
Thank you Grace and Vera. I really want to be a better person for me. I have never said those things. I only talk to two people about H and I'n not as honest as I am here.
I don't feel panicky or anxious about tomorrow when I'll see him when he picks up S. I don't want to sabotage the friendly terms we have now. He says he's my best friend but I don't think we're on friend terms when we're this hurt. When I said I accepted those things I think I truly have. I have accepted that we may not be together. I have accepted that has moved on. I have to make sure that I'll be together and my emotional state the past 24 hours shows I have a ways to go. I am (oddly) excited about healing these things that I think I've done in all my relationships. I'm not going to concentrate just on problems with him but try to see what I've done large scale.
I did some googling and read a quote that said the relationship you have with yourself lasts a lifetime. I really want to like me, be proud of me, respect me. How can I expect anyone to ever do that if I don't?
well mark that down to one person I tell this stuff too.
A friend of mine sent me a text to say...so he hasn't changed. People don't change. Why change yourself for someone? Find someone who fits your personality better and be happy with them.
that's not really how I see things at all. I think if you repeat mistakes you will continue to be unhappy no matter who you're with.
I feel like I may have been putting him on a pedestal for the last few months. All I did was convince myself he was horrible, then all I did was see the good stuff. I think I'm finally looking at this from solid footing. Yesterday hurt but it forced me into reality.
I made a lot of mistakes but I'm so committed to not making those again in my life. I'm going to try to identify when I sabotage myself and work on loving myself.
I have been afraid of my financial situation and today I looked into a few things and made a plan of action to look after myself.
I've decided that since I have trouble sleeping..I just wake up really early and can't get back to sleep. I'm going to start going for morning walks with the dog.
This is why you don't get friends to help you with this.
"People don't change."
Yes they do. We see it time and time again.
"Why change yourself for someone? Find someone who fits your personality better and be happy with them."
This is the naive thinking that destroys relationships. Relationships are constantly evolving. There is not one relationship that I know of that doesn't go through a rough patch.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think if you repeat mistakes you will continue to be unhappy no matter who you're with.
That is gold. I can only imagine a world where that is commonly understood and prevented.
The world is all about change. The amazing thing is, it's not just people that encourage us to change... our environment (including physical, which precludes age necessary changes, as well) requires us to change. It is our nature TO change, by God's design or by Darwin's theories...
People are in constant change... it is only those things that we hold dear that we choose NOT to change... but that's a choice... not some biological aspect of humanity... otherwise, we'd all be the same...
I have been afraid of my financial situation and today I looked into a few things and made a plan of action to look after myself.
Good for you! I know that was a turning point for me. I was always the one who did the finances, BUT to actually see it in black and white telling me I'd be okay made it easier
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
don't want to repeat my old patterns. Whether it's 2 years from now or 10 years from now I don't want to have the same problems with him or someone else.
And let's have a toast to the death of the old marriage.
I think you are on the right track don't you think?
Now it's not that easy to just write those words.
You have identified things about yourself you don't like. Things you want to change.
You have to kill those things. Hunt them down and kill them. Every day look at them. And kill them.
What are those things? Put them here. So you can look at them plainly. So you will recognize them when they surface in your life.
Good step for you.
Getting to this point. Keep going.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
And let's have a toast to the death of the old marriage.
I think you are on the right track don't you think?
Yes I do! I'm not in bits for the first time in 3 months I'm not feeling crazy emotional anymore.
I know we all say it but I've accepted it now. If it's over it's over and there's nothing I can do. All I can do is work on me and look at me.
Quote:
What are those things? Put them here.
In the past 7 months I've dated we've all talked about this. On a few occasions I've had first dates with men that intimidated men. We're talking one who owned his own software company and had frequent dealings with overseas bands in the Carribean and another who had two companies and was head of development for a national company. And they were active, involved with their kids, good looking, funny....so what did I do in 10 or 15 mins I told them a crazy story about something I'd done in past....something that has no bearing on who I am now. Later I was like WHY did I do that? Because I was intimidated and thought they'd reject me anyway so I told them something to shock them and push them away. I'm not going to do that. I am good enough for anyone. I didn't grow up with money (H did) but I don't need to be intimidated by it.
Dealings with H: He texted me to say he'd be over this morning to pick up S. He got here an hour earlier than he needed to. He played with the dog and chatted to S. He asked me for ibuprofen, he had a hangover. (it's very out of character for him to drink especially on a week night)
I had the news on and the weather presenter was doing the report from a place we'd visited. He said hey we've been there. And S said where is that? He said remember we went and I took all those pictures. I got loads of you and your mother. Your mom was getting sick of me taking pictures in the garden. (I laugh) He says those are some of my favorite pictures of you. You were right on the verge of amusing me and getting angry. You look so cute when you're angry you were all like this and made a face. (I smiled and said NOTHING) He said all this very warmly and fondly. It didn't really affect me. I noticed this and wondered what he was trying to achieve by telling me this story but I said nothing and it didn't really make me feel warm and fuzzy. Just a bit confused as to why he was saying this.
He commented on my weight loss...my jeans are baggy. He brought up a lot of stuff I'd put on FB. Just random things...the film me and S watched last night. I didn't initiate any conversation. I just didn't feel like I should I work to make his stop off here enjoyable. (is that the right thing or the wrong thing?)
He told me he'd been driving thru xx city last night (where she lives now and where I'd mentioned moving to lower my rent) and was thinking about "you and where you'd end up" I said where I'd end up? thanks And he said "you know what I mean...it's just that there's some nice parts. But you only have to go a block or two and it goes downhill" I told him that I'd decided I only needed xx amount to be a bit more comfortable and that I had a plan of talking to my boss, etc. (from other clues he said I gathered he went to GF's last night, got drunk, spent the night there, came here in the same clothes then changing and going to work. It's THURSDAY. Grow Up)
He said I've got xx amount in my pocket, the gas light is on and it's 4 days until payday. Rock and Roll Lifestyle and he was laughing. I opened my mouth to say something and closed it. He said what? And I said "I was about to offer some unsolicited advice and changed my mind" He said no say it.
So I said "Your bills actually went down. You should be okay if you were to budget and not drive so much (he has a sports car that has horrible gas mileage) Make a budget have a look at what you have to spend. You could do it"
He said yeah it would just mean....not doing anything.
I said "just more nights in." (This is a man who did nothing when he was in a M. Now he's got a GF he's out doing stuff to the point that he can't afford to pay his own bills so he's going to move in with her.) "Plus I think you'll feel (I wanted to say good about yourself but I didn't) a real sense of satisfaction when you stick to a budget and you get to the end of the month and you think I did it all on my own."
I showed him a picture of a car I'd seen that I liked that I didn't know what it was. He didn't either and he was said "look at you getting into station wagons. Very good taste. I really like that. It's really cool" (I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing but he seemed surprised that I was looking at that car)
I think this is the first time we've interacted that I was really distant. I wasn't super friendly, I certainly wasn't flirty. He asked if I was coming with them and I said "no, I think S wants you to drop him at school after." Last week I would have gone. I would jumped at the offer to spend more time with him. Not now.
I realized this morning that he met her at the end of Feb, moved out of mine for a few months and is talking about moving in with her. In 2005 he met me at the end of Feb, moved out of his ex's for a few months, and moved in with me at the end of May. We got married that Dec. I know that our R was a lot different than his ex's. But it makes you feel like you don't matter that much, you're pretty replaceable, maybe your R didn't mean that much because he's moved on so quickly....then I realized that's how he felt when I told him about CW. For him the hurt and betrayl came with the phsyical for me it's the emotional committment. So I think I understand it a little bit better.
Brit I think you are hitting it out of the ballpark. First I'll comment on your H. You mentioned you used to play mind games with him, and he'd just say things to make you happy. Yep total beta nice guy. That's where I was. W could talk me out of my favorite dish out of a restaurant. Some books believe that weird mind games like this are subconcious test from women to see if their men are still tough. Remember what my friend told me. "I want a man that can stand up to me, because he can stand up for me." Sounds like your husband routinely failed these, which led you to lose attraction. Him not putting you in your place for cheating on him probably made you lose even more respect for him. Which seemed to further solidify your WAW status.
Once you left he had no choice but to be the Alpha male again. As you mentioned you liked the independence. So did the other GF. Here's what gets me though is that IMHO for a recovering nice guy he is moving way too fast with this girl. So he's not asserting his independence, he is looking for someone else to become dependent to.
Reminds me of my brother in law. He was engaged 2 times before the first third one finally stuck. The lasted a little over 2 years, and all chances or reconciliation disappeared when his WAW found he had made a dating profile within days of her leaving. Then less than a year after his divorce he is engaged again.
On paper he is Mr Right, great career, huge house, not terrible looking, and always the center of attention at family gatherings, the oldest cousin held up for others to live up to.
My W describes him as self absorbed, selfish, and cold and distant. I think he's an overachiever looking for validation from others who throws temper when he feels he doesn't get the praise or attention he deserves.
Long story short less than a year after his divorce, and two broken engagements he seems to be once again looking for that woman to validate him and fill his void. Clearly he is not independent. I see your H doing much of the same. I think a guy in his sitch is possibly justified in exploring his options, but shacking up with another woman this soon shows that he is merely seeking a band aid, and may find himself with a new WAW somewhere down the line.
If that's the case Brit you may be dodging a bullet, by not ending up with him, and he is doing himself a disservice.
I think the best way to judge this is if he keeps plowing through this new relationship. If they get engaged in the next 9 to 12 months, I'd consider moving on as he clearly is looking for a substitute not a W.
Just my 2 cents, I really do hope your husband finds true independence, and is not just throwing up smoke signals until he finds another woman(or you) to grow dependent on.
