Well, mediation actually went pretty well considering. I think W and I did what was fair for the children. Not sure she felt that way because she was expecting so much more I'm afraid. It only proved to me that since we were using the mediator she chose...and the mediator agreed everything sounded fair...that W was trying to get one over on me. She's still only thinking of herself I'm afraid...and she will need to be honest with herself over these next many months that her issues aren't all my fault and she has some serious soul searching to do. It's the only way she will heal.
The mediator mentioned that she had done over 2,000 of these and ours was one of the smoothest. She commented on how well my W and I got along, and asked me when W was out of the room, "and why are you two getting a D?" I stayed positive and upbeat, sincere and caring...and kept reiterating if we came to bump that this was all about the children so let's make sure whatever decision we make is what's right for them. The mediator appreciated that as I hope my W did. There was only one time when I got upset, and I could beat myself for doing it because I made it all the way till the end until I did. When the bill was quoted I panicked because I had only budgeted myself for about half of what I owed at that time. I sort of took it out on my wife...since she was the one that initiated all this and chose this mediator. It was childish I know and I feel terrible about it. I have apologized to both the mediator and my W and thanked them both for their time and effort in all this. I didn't yell or anything like that, I was just scared and vulnerable because I pride myself in my preparedness but am still working on my reaction to things when something slips up. I think my W used that to rationalize in her head that I was just horrible throughout the process...but nothing could be farther from the truth...and she knows that. She's just scared and upset herself right now and reacting how she has been all along, blame me for everything to make her feel better. Time will allow her to see how things truly are...I hope for her sake anyway.
So now...we wait for the judge to sign off...and then we are D. I still can't believe all this is happening but my anxiety and sadness gets better everyday and I am prepared, especially now I know what to expect financially at least...to move on. I know my W and I will remain friends...and will be fair and do what's right for our babies. And who knows somewhere down the road when we've both grown and become more self sufficient and can be happier and more comfortable in our own skin, we'll begin to miss each other and realize we did have a good thing going...and that we do still love each other. But, the timing will have to be right...and she will definitely need to do some serious self reflection to improve her depression. I will not get involved with the same woman as she is now...and I wouldn't expect her to do the same. I know I have all ready grown in these 2 short months...much from the help of this site and all you wonderful people out there. Thank you all very much...I think I may be able to move out of Newcomer and into more detailed issues, we'll see. But, I'll keep up with this post if need be and also provide any insight to any of you that I can.
Bless you all and have a wonderful day!
Me:44, W: 39 D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs) M:17, T:21+ Bomb:3/18/12 W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12 Separate since bomb Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12 No talk of D since mediation
Just a quick note about me getting upset about the bill...reflecting on it, it wasn't about the cost at all. I believe most of it was my sadness and anger about all this. The pressure of staying upbeat and calm for 7 hours with W right across from me built up...and that little caveat to my calm, prepared thought process was a catalyst. Again, she'll realize it was no big deal in the long run and come to appreciate the 6 hours 59 minutes and 45 seconds of wonderful me throughout all that.
Thank you for all the thoughts and hugs guys...
Right back at ya! (((((((you all)))))))
Me:44, W: 39 D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs) M:17, T:21+ Bomb:3/18/12 W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12 Separate since bomb Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12 No talk of D since mediation
Was going to go to church today but found out from my W that her cousin was in town from Hawaii with their new baby and they were doing the baptism today. I called W this morning to talk to kids about next weekend and she told me about it. Going to take the kids down to Tampa to visit and old friend from college...his W used to live next to us and we set him and her up...they married 3 years later. So, my kids like going down there to see them...and to see their kids...pretty close with them. We'll stay in a nice hotel and maybe go to the Tampa zoo...should be a good Memorial day weekend...I need to get out of town with my babies...of course I yearn for my W to go because that's always when we were so happy...when we traveled...sigh...
Anyway, I chose not to go to church...which would have been a big 180 for me...because I knew it would have been too stressful for W. I did that for me...no one else, I'll go next week. I did however get some laundry done, worked out for 2 hours and washed and vacuumed my car...a great day, compared to yesterday. Now, gonna watch a little baseball on TV, shower and go shopping for my niece's (Ws sister) birthday...and groceries.
I feel good today.
Me:44, W: 39 D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs) M:17, T:21+ Bomb:3/18/12 W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12 Separate since bomb Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12 No talk of D since mediation
Thanks Brit...it will be a nice weekend...good friends is always a good thing.
yeah, this D looks imminent but my W and I still have a good R...we're friends which is good for the kids. and who knows what the future holds.
Me:44, W: 39 D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs) M:17, T:21+ Bomb:3/18/12 W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12 Separate since bomb Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12 No talk of D since mediation
TD, I read your thread, and I am about half way into the same situation. I am trying to get my wife to join me in counseling, but we are not talking and I only text her. I bought the course text your ex back, and Fiore recommends texting about past rememberences that you and your wife and kids shared together...something along the lines of: remember when we (insert good memory event). So, do not feel bad about sending your wife that old letter because it is a remember when letter. Stay positive and upbeat...I know it is hard especially when you are getting the crap beat out of you...divorce is like being gutted and left alive...I am trying hard to prevent mine. Thanks.
and into more detailed issues, we'll see. But, I'll keep up with this post if need be and also provide any insight to any of you that I can.