sorry this is so high school me giving you guys the minute details of our interaction. He replied straight away with Sure that sounds perfect. didn't even occur to me.
I am proud of this because...... a) I didn't fall into the bait of saying "of course I want to hang out with you. why would you think I wouldn't?" Because he either sense me detaching or he feels guilty ie I have a GF, W shouldn't still want to be my friend. b) I didn't tell him what nights I was free. I didn't say what night works for you. I said how about Tuesday. done. Without telling him I was busy this day or free that day c) I didn't tell him plans for tomorrow. I feel like in the past I've been so eager to prove that I'm GAL'ing that I give him a list of "look at me! look what I'm up to! I'm fun! I'm old Brit! Promise!" d) I didn't ask about his weekend. I didn't react to anything in that comment. I just said cool. see you then. and I picked the date.
Please tell me this was successful DB'ing because I feel good. Oh and I didn't reply to his text.
Someone talked about "inviting heartbreak" on Verab's thread and it's true. I just invite heartbreak when I attempt to prolong a text convo.
resisting because I had previously asked to borrow and then you and I had that talk about me testing him so I later told him not to worry about it.
Oh sure he's maintaining that connection. Did I tell you when I met him he had stuff in an ex's garage? We were married by the time he finally cleaned it out. Okay there were extenuating circumstances but I'm just saying don't read too much into that.
It's not driving me crazy. It hurts. I don't want to think of all things he might be doing with GF. Does he NEED to DB me? No, he knows I want to reconcile. Is he taunting me?
He's never asked me in the past if I want him to come by or even if I wasn't too busy. He's always just said how about I come by on monday? Or I'll come by on Wednesday? What days good later this week? He's never said if you want me too...there is a shift there and I'm just not sure what it is yet.
oh, that was the same stuff? I understand, then...
Well, maybe he had his "reasons" to leave stuff in his prior X's garage... and now he has his "reasons" to leave stuff in your garage... and they are just "reasons"...
As POd as I am w/ my W... I have some stuff that's still there. I know it's an attempt at maintaining a connection... because I COULD find a place for that stuff...
My "reasons" would be that I don't have room for it in storage... that I don't have room for it here... that I don't know anyone else that could store it... that I don't want to be over there and get it because it brings up bad memories...
They're all... just reasons...
I think it's interesting that you say it hurts you. And now that you mention it, it is a form of PA attack. I know it is something that is tossed around here from time to time, but I actually do not remember if it is something that MWD writes about in DB or DR.
I can imagine how that might hurt someone. Until about fall last year, my W was very vocal about a lot of stuff she was doing and how much fun she was having and what a great mom she was... and while she had me blocked on FB and would not tell me directly, I believe that as much as she could claim ignorance... she knew, deep down, that I would find out... that someone would tell me... that's just the way of the world... and it hurt me, because it was as though she was trying to convince herself, along with everyone else, and covertly me... that I was the reason for all her problems and so now that I was gone... look how great her life is...
Anyhow, even though he may just be trying to let you know that he is busy... having fun... getting on with his life... or what ever... the only thing you can do is not let it get to you. Even if he is unconsciously trying to stick a knife in you... you know him best... he may not consciously want to hurt you...
On asking your "permission" regarding getting together... that is interesting... perhaps he is trying to figure out what boundaries really are in place...
Do you prefer this method? Or do you prefer his old method?
You're right I do know him best. And I think he only said that his weekend was busy so that I wouldn't understand why he wasn't hanging out. When we were in a "touchy" phase of me pursuing, he used to say I'm busy on Wed and then clarify with I'm helping my mom do this or I told friend I'd do this. If it was something with her, he'd say Sadly I have other commitments. So I don't think he's taunting me I think he was just trying to set expectations. At some point when he clarified to me it wasn't GF, I texted back that's cool you don't have to give me details of your plans.
I know exactly what you mean. I feel like I may have subconsciously done that when I was a WAW. I don't like who I was during that period.
The more I think about this shift....I think it's the DB kicking in. I haven't pursued. I haven't initiated conversations. And he's feeling that I've let go not just in name only. I may have told him last week that my feeling haven't changed, but I haven't attacked, reacted, demanded answers in over a month and I haven't flirted in almost 2 weeks. It threw him for a loop that I was involved in the medical drama and he knew nothing and I was just soldiering on. I think he's feeling a little unsettled in how much I want him in my life...and you know what I think that's swell!!!!
Let him continue to ask me instead of assuming that he's doing me and S a favour by dropping by!
I reread my text and it was exactly what I would have sent any friend..with the addition of hope your weekend is fun busy and not stress busy. But I can't do that in DB.
I remember bring up a topic of how some people want their SO to climb mountains and cross rivers to prove they (the SO) wants to be with them.
I understand that some people have quality time and words of affirmation as their LLs so perhaps that is where that comes from...
There's also those who's "core human need" is significance... again, that makes sense...
But I think to myself, that's a bit presumptuous...
While I really appreciate people how appear to authentically want to be with me, and do so of their own accord... I do not like people who just push themselves on me... "Hey, I am going to be at your place at (such and such a date/time) to hang with you." Or those that just show up, unannounced...
IDK, it's a fine balance...
And so yes, I understand that you would like him to "ask permission" as it were... mutually planning "together time"...
It's interesting that you indicate your H would "explain" his busy time during what you thought was your "pursuing" phase...
I find my W does that now that I am NOT pursuing... I'm so done pursuing, yet she will now explain, "Can I have the kids on the weekend, I want to take the kids skiing and I'm bringing my mom and we're going to hang out a bit..."
Really? I have been told for the last 15 months that her life is none of my business, and now she's telling me her business? I don't need, nor want, to know... I mean, thanks for letting me know, but really... TMI... unnecessary...
So I don't know what to make of that... that your H would tell you WHY he was busy... Just based on when he WOULD NOT elaborate and when he would... it's like he was being very careful to keep you informed of when he was or was not with GF...
Which... seems to be the same as my W... that she wants me to know she is NOT with her enabling friends and OM...
It will mean what ever it means, for you... just allow it to mean something positive... that he is trying to be open and honest with you about his life, in a way that a friend would be...
And yes... it would be against DB to offer well wishes as it may be seen as pursuing... but then again... would a friend not? What you will need to determine is when you are ready to offer those well wishes and mean them... like a friend... and have no expectations... and let him have what ever meanings he might... that's not your concern...
I remember bring up a topic of how some people want their SO to climb mountains and cross rivers to prove they (the SO) wants to be with them.
I think I read this...and someone posted a story about a guy who said if I did I wouldn't be able to do all these small things. And I think we also talked about how we place these huge mountains for them to climb which is lovely that they want to do that but then what's left for them to do. It all really struck home with me.
HeartBroken it was a cry in a good way sort of thing!
I think sometimes it's out of guilt. They may feel some twinge of guilt when they are with someone else and so when they aren't they want to spell that out for us.
I do honestly think this shift in him double checking that that I want him to come over or that I want to tell him about lab results and that he isn't prying is reassurance. I think it's a sign that the detach has kicked in and it's not in name only.
Because before our roles were jealous W who wanted him back and he was H who had a new GF and wanted his own freedom and choices. And now you have W who is not jealous (outwardly), who does not pursue, and is not pushing for more.
This is that pursuit/distancer dance that Cadet talked about I think. But I'm doing my best to stand steadfast.
I am a little late on this topic but I thought you handled your text reply very well. I was a little concerned when you said you were frustrated about possibly having to rearrange your day. Don't rearrange your day for him, eh? If you're there, you're there. If you're not, you're not. I think that's simple DB'ing.
