The WAW who stood still (can he catch up already?)

[FuzzyBear]

I always think to myself, "if this didn't happen, I would not know what I know now"

Experience/wisdom is so valuable in life

[Brit45]

I have found myself getting angrier and angrier about the R between H and my son. His SS who he's raised since he was 9. S is now 16. When he moved out 2 months ago, he took with him the futon so then S could have a place to sleep when he visited that has never happened.
He comes over to "hang out" about once a week. Usually S doesn't even hang out in the same room with us. About a month ago, we had a talk about this. This was also the day of the last big R talk on April 8th.

He said he didn't want things to be weird between us. I told him two things lets not talk about other people in our lives to each other, let's just be friends. Also if you want me to be your friend then you have to take an active role in S's life. You said you would and you haven't. I can't respect you let alone be your friend if you're just going to walk out of his life like that. I reminded him of how he felt about a situation with his Dad visiting him and he said you're right, I'm sorry, I don't want it to be that way.

The next two weekends I was out of town and S stayed with him. It sounds (I didn't pry) as if he spent the entire of two weekends fri/sat nights with S, did not see GF.

When I returned I thanked him, I said that I appreciate that it meant giving up his weekends, etc. He said it was no big deal, they had fun, he was sorry it took him this long he was dealing with stuff and....yeah he's sorry. He said that he would take him to play squash next week. (he said this to me not S)

Next week came and went and since the 30th, he has seen S for all of 5 mins when he came over with the medication last week. He had a conversation with S about his school. He says when he does hang out with S, S doesn't really talk to him, he plays online or video games etc. I told him that he's 16, H is the grown up it's his job just to be there. He said over those weekends it did seem like they had fun, S talked to him more etc. But by the second day S seemed bored of him.

I reminded him about the squash thing and he said yeah I've just been a bit broke. The next week he tells me that he had gotten paid on Friday so he brought his mom flowers at work on Mothers Day. (So he had money over the weekend and didn't initiate anything with S)

So here's where I stand... It is ultimately his decision whether or not he pursues a relationship with S after our relationship. It breaks my heart as a mother that a man I let into our lives can just walk away from him.

It makes me question A LOT.....do I even want to be involved with someone who can do this?

It was a big hurdle for me. I had been a single mom before with a deadbeat dad. I think part of the reason we never had kids is that I was terrified of it happening again. He said I never trusted him, never gave him a chance because I always thought that would happen. He said he always felt ganged up on, like nothing he ever said was taken into account when it came to parenting, that S's opinion was more important to me than his.

I feel like S needs stability. Even if it was just every Wednesday night he hung out with H and had pizza or whatever. He needs to know that he's always there.

I don't know if I should bring it up. Last night I was up until 2am crying.

I have an amazing opportunity with work in August but it means living away from home for 3 weeks. I am now thinking of backing out. H had said "I think S sees it as me just baby sitting him and he doesn't like that. So in August I may just make it into me spending some nights here, some nights at mine and more like I'm dropping in at his place to see how he's doing" WTF?????

I do think S sees it as babysitting because the only time H has spent a considerable amount of time with him in the last 2 months is when I've been out of town and H HAD to be with him.

I don't think leaving a 16 year old to cope with a house for 3 weeks is a good idea. H's dad did it for weeks at a time when he was 16/17 and left him to care for his 14yo sister.

I don't want to frame it up as either we do it my way or I drop out of this project. But no project is worth me saying that was the summer my son got addicted to drugs/got a girl pregnant/whatever.

I've thought about saying if you don't want to live at mine for 3 weeks or have S live at yours for 3 weeks....how about the days that you're at your place but him on a train and he can stay at the hotel with me. (I was already thinking he'd come visit me for a few days...3 weeks is a long time!) But will that just make S feel like he's being shuttled around even more?

H wants S to feel responsible and independent, but I worry in this time of change it's not the right way to go about it. I worry S is just feeling rejected and that situation in August will make him feel worse.

Or am I taking this whole situation and projecting my feelings of rejection into it?

thoughts are welcome....because I'm tired of being alone in my head with it.

[vera be fierce]

Hi Brit, sorry to hear about this situation! One thing that jumped out at me was that I can't really tell from what you wrote what S is thinking, generally or about August. I was also wondering if you're going to be somewhere that S might actually have fun (maybe not?). Could you get him into some kind of camp or activity that would take up a lot of his time?

You said you told H

Also if you want me to be your friend then you have to take an active role in S's life. You said you would and you haven't.

And then he sort of did but then backed off again. Maybe H feels pressured right now because he feels he has to choose between GF and S (and, transitively, you). The choice is obvious to you. It is not so obvious to him.

[Brit45]

S has said that he is certainly up for coming to see me for a weekend or something. I'm going to be working A LOT so it will be a lot of him entertaining himself while I'm not around. However I would be in a great place for him to explore.

I have just finished reading "How to Improve Your Marriage" and I don't think I can bring this up. Then I am just saying "you're failing as a dad, you're failing in your promise to me and him, and you're turning into your own dad that you hate."

I've considered bringing up the idea of a set schedule but I don't think I should be the one arranging all this. That's my old pattern organizing the family, planning things, and H just showing up when and where he's supposed to.

I don't want to add any pressure and don't think I should be the one arranging their R. The whole pursuit/distancer says that.

Do I not have a right to be angry?

Should I trust that his confusion will die down and they'll come to an understanding?

He prides himself on being a "good guy" but this doesn't fall in line.

[scaredsilly]

i've found that anger is usually rooted in a fear. what are you afraid of? would it help to express it as a fear rather than anger?

[Brit45]

I'm afraid that this is who he is....a person that doesn't really care about my son or values that relationship. And I'm afraid of what that means for my son...also I can't see myself ever getting back together with him if he doesn't do continue a relationship with S.

[labug]

You're trying to control the R between your S and H. That won't work. They have to figure it out on their own. I think bringing up H's relationship with his father is guilting him. Those are H's issues to work out, which he may or may not do. Let it alone.

I've had to work on similar issues, my issues, around this. I want to fix-it, to orchestrate it to be the way I want it to be. But the truth is, it's not mine to fix. It belongs to them. If one or the other comes to me for advice or support I'm here but until they ask, anything I interject is busting a boundary.

What scaredsilly says is very true. Do you take H's seeming disinterest in son as a rejection of him and thereby, you? The R with S is another string that keeps H tied to you.

What happens if that string is broken?

How does that make you feel?

Angry? Look deeper.

Anger is just a symptom.

And this does fall in line with the good or nice guy scenariio.

[Brit45]

What scaredsilly says is very true. Do you take H's seeming disinterest in son as a rejection of him and thereby, you?

It makes me question our relationship as a whole. That the whole time I felt as though he bonded with our son and maybe he didn't.

I'm feeling a bit tossed aside. When I came to him and said I want to work on us, I think I pulled the trigger too soon, he choose for us to stay apart. I do feel as though he has this new life that has tossed aside not only me but S as well. And I never thought he would do that. (yes I admit I never thought he would actually toss me aside or turn me down. classic WAS behaviour and trust me my ego took a massive hit...March-mid April was horrific)

I see it as my failure. That I trusted and chose someone who isn't who I thought they were.

I can't orchestrate or fix. You're right. And having my hands tied, even though I know in my head is the right thing, makes it very frustrating for me. I worked really hard to understand what he meant by things can't happen on my schedule. Because I do tend to plan everything out and he just went along with it.

And this does fall in line with the good or nice guy scenariio.

What I meant is that he can't pride himself on being a good guy and walk out S's life like that.

I will be so so hurt if that string is broken. H was the only father S knew after being rejected by his biological father when he was a child. (they are now mending that R) I feel disappointed that I chose someone to be a father figure in his life who let him down. I will feel lied to and a bit betrayed.

I think maybe this all goes back to promises. When he moved out he made promises about us working on things in the future that just never seemed to happen. Since finding DB I haven't brought these up anymore I've just left it all alone for the 6 weeks. But I did feel betrayed and lied to that he said "in a few weeks we could see where things are" or "let's let things calm down and then maybe we can start seeing each other." But he continued seeing his GF and was angry saying that I wanted him to just sit at home, or that timing suxx, or that he's just seeing where things go (with GF) he's not making any plans.

And now I think I feel like it's another promise broken only this time to my son.

And if I bring it up he always sounds really sad, like he really wants to and he means to and things happen and then he feels bad. I don't want to be in that position where I just remind him that he hasn't kept up regular time/contact with S. So I'm not bringing it up any more. But it hurts and it makes me angry.

[scaredsilly]

I'm a stepmother and I think you may be expected a greater bond between your H and S than most step relationships have. It would be great but it's usually not as strong as the bio parent would like.

[labug]

Are you projecting you feeling onto your son? Has S told you he feels rejected?

Guys are very different in their relationships than women are. Even when my H was still in the house, he and our sons had a very different R than I had with the sons.

Let them figure it out, either it will happen or it won't.

Your job is to work on you and decipher why this hurts you so much and what you are going to do about that.

There comes a time in this process when the scales fall from our eyes and we begin to see our WAS as the person they really are, some of it's good, some of it's not so good, some of it's very disappointing. For so long many of us (fixers) have been filling in the blanks, ignoring some crap behavior, living in a bit of a fantasy world and then we begin to see the real person without our "fixing touches."

And we are a bit thrown by the reality.