Sorry to hear HAP. I know how it must feel to DB your a$$ off and be dark for a month and basically get the ole dear John letter. Good news is that you're a better person than you were before. I know it's hard to care about the silver lining right now but it's true. Not sure if you've been following my thread but I'm definitely speaking from experience. Take care of yourself and don't feel scared to rely on the people you trust to carry you through this. It will get better I promise.
M:28 | W:28 | T:4.5 | M:2.5 | No Children EA1 Uncovered: Jun 2011 EA2 Uncovered: 2011-09-29 S: 2011-09-29 I'm moving on: 2012-05-08 My story: http://bit.ly/K3ttPM
You are right that I am trying to be a better person than I was before. I do know that I need to learn to not hold grudges or to be so resentful to people that hurt me. I need to learn how to forgive more and understand that people can change!
That's just how I've always been. I put up a wall so I don't get hurt, then I let people in and I always end up getting hurt...especially by the people that were never supposed to hurt or leave me (my dad and now my husband!).
I do, honestly, feel as if I was the best wife to my H. I took care of him, our house, planned places for us to go, had a life outside my H, never really fought with him, always tried to see his side of things...
The worst thing about getting a divorce is not learning from it and that's what scares me...Besides knowing that I need to work on 'letting go' of things, I don't know what else I could have done differently to make my M work.
And the 'letting go' of things was only this past year because my H texted and took a girl out from his work over a year ago and hid it from me and dropped the bomb back then that he didn't want to be married anymore...before that bomb, I completely trusted him and had no issues with my H as a person or as a H.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
So sorry. You know, you don't have to respond at all if you want to talk to him. If you don't respond he'll have to call you. It's up to you if you want to do e-mail or phone. Since H seems bent on divorce at this point and is proposing an informal settlement, you may want to get a consultation with a lawyer at this point just to understand your rights. You don't have to do what the lawyer says, you don't have to hire them, but at least have them sketch out what a settlement usually looks like and what the negotiating levers are.
No need to be the "nice person" right now -- he cheated, he left, he wants divorce. Your needs should come first now, be fair, but don't go out of your way to make things easy for him.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks Accuray! I did talk to a lawyer last week (a couple of them) and I do know what everything will look like. I am entitled to half his pension and he already signed over the house to me and refinanced his car, so it won't be too 'hard' of a divorce.
My H does not want to get a lawyer...so that's why I think he won't file. If I file, then I hire the lawyer, serve him and all he has to do is pay for his appearance in court. I would have to pay for the lawyer and more legal costs. I would in the end though get more money from his pension, so it is still cost effective for me to hire a lawyer to get part of his pension.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
I would check with Purgatory and 25 -- Purgatory also has a military pension issue with her H. I thought in her case she was benefitted by staying officially married longer. I thought the longer you stay in before a divorce is finalized, the more of the pension you are entitled to, so you're benefitted by dragging your heels. Ask them though, I'm no expert!
(Obviously if you want to continue to DB, then no rush to do anything divorce wise, just let it hang)
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I'm at a crossroads again. I think I want to continue DB, but I don't want to be someone's second choice and if he does come back to me, I feel as if I am his second choice.
He does not have military pension, but he does have his retirement fund at his current job.
I am going to respond to his email sometime in the next couple of days, but I'm thinking I am going to respond to it, as if, I would normally talk to him...make a joke about how he sent my property taxes (he used duct tape to close the envelope) and be my normal self. I am not going to address his questions about D. If he wants it, then go get the information for it!
How do I bring up the mortgage payment? It's not due until the 1st of the month, but I would like him to send me his half...or do I not even bring it up?!?
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
With regard to being a "second choice" -- I went through that too and talked about it a lot with my MC. Here's where I came out -- even if you are a "second choice" in the moment that he comes back, you're still getting a chance to participate in something better with him. That's your starting line for becoming a first choice, or someone only a fool would leave. If you can accomplish that, then a year down the line "why" he came back, or in what context, won't matter, because you'll be confident in your relationship. It does hurt initially, and there is a lot of self-doubt that comes with it. You need to deal with that yourself because if you feel like a second choice you will be one. If you can be your best and feel good about yourself, you'll know you're worthy of being a first choice.
WRT the mortgage payment, if you can cover the mortgage yourself, then plan to do so. If he continues to contribute then great, but if he doesn't, that's what you expected and planned for.
If you can't cover it yourself, or don't think that would be fair, then I would write up a list of all the logistics you want to discuss with him -- mortgage, property taxes, everything else. Make it your "for now" list, not a divorce list, and then review it all at once. That conversation may not be fun for either of you so do your best to do it once versus having to come back to it.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks, Accuray about the 'second choice' thought! That is a great way to think.
As for the mortgage payment, we did discuss that he would have to pay half the mortgage until we are divorced because he is legally responsible for half our debt until the divorce date. He did give me May's mortgage payment early when we were dividing things up, but I don't think he will just offer it up unless I 'remind' him.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
Today is my yard work day ever since my H left. It is a good day and bad day all wrapped in one. I get a little mad and resentful that I have to do EVERYTHING now (yard work was his ONLY job around the house), but it feels good after I do it!
I have not emailed my H back yet about coming to get his things. I think I will do it tomorrow. I'm going to keep it short and to the point, but make sure my bubbly personality is in there somewhere!
A LOT of people are saying that I've been 'too nice' to him, but really I guess I want to be the bigger person now...no need to hurt or try to hurt him as much as he has hurt me.
It really does urk me though that he said we aren't 'cordial' otherwise and email is the only way we can communicate. Yes, the last two times we saw each other were rough, but those were the ONLY times I blew up at him since all of this started in Feb. Otherwise, our encounters have been okay...oh well.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
