Wife wants out

[totallydevoted]

Thank you Brit for your kind words...if that little response made you cry...you should have seen the actual letter I wrote to her. LOL It made my mother cry.

And I truly appreciate your feedback because that's exactly why I wrote that letter...to take responsibility for my actions, apologize but also to just give a little peek at what our lives could be like if we ever do R. No expectations... Even though I firmly believe that this D is going to happen now...I still hold onto the saying...don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does.

More and more I feel she is definitely in MLC mode...and I need to start reading more in those threads, and re-read the book(s). But again...I'm almost checked out myself now...and am just starting to come to grips with life without my W...and ,again, that's okay. I will still support her. my children...be her friend (best friend) and just keep "showing" her that I am a better man...I am loving, caring, affectionate and sincere. I will stay positive and upbeat, continue to work on my mental and physical state of being...and some day she will see me as her "Prince Charming" again...I just know it. I will step waaaayyyyyyyy back now because I have told myself that I have done everything I can at this point for our R...it's all up to her now...she will now have to live with the responsibility of this decision solely...I am making peace with it...and I am taking the high road.

These feelings she has right now will fade and she will begin to reflect on what we truly had...forgive the bad times...and see me as that person who can make her happy again.

3 more days till mediation...I will definitely keep everyone posted.

[totallydevoted]

2 more days until mediation...

Had a dream last night that we got through mediation...it went okay but was very hard...there was crying, a little anger but overall not too bad. When we were leaving, my W turned to me and said, "So, have you learned your lesson?" I said, "WHAT?!" She said, "Have you learned your lesson? Have you seen now what you can lose by all this?" I said, "This has all been some kind of learning tactic for you. You've ripped my heart out to teach me a lesson?!" She said, "Yes, I felt it was the only way to get you to truly change." I stood there for about 3 minutes...not really knowing what to do, or say. Then, I grabbed her, held her with all my soul...and cried...vowing with all my heart to be everything she needed me to be and that I will prove to her daily my love and adoration.

I felt great waking up...and then of course, it all came crashing down on me. It appears I still need some serious me-time.

[robb]

I feel for you totallydevoted. Stepping back is the hardest thing to do, but I think it is something you should give a chance to.

As they say, we all have to stop doing things that don't work. I've been there and done that.

Best of luck to you in your R.

[totallydevoted]

Thank you robb...stepping back from the one you truly adore is THE hardest thing I've ever done. I'm still not completely detached because of the kids and that makes it that much harder. That...and the feeling that I just know there is attraction and caring still between us. She just needs time...and lots of it...and hopefully some day, we will find each other again, and be much stronger because of it.

Thanks again...I really appreciate you taking the time for your kind words.

[totallydevoted]

^

[totallydevoted]

24 hours until mediation...ugh! My gut is just churning and my head is spinning.

I wrote W this email right at 9:00 this morning - 24 hours:

24 Hours

The nausea has all ready crept in...and my head is spinning. I just want you to know that we will get through all this together...I support you and your need for change. I still don't want to do this because my gut still tells me this is the wrong path but I love you too much not to be here for you, not to support your yearning for emotional stability.

I will always love and adore you. I will do everything in my power to make sure our children are happy and stable. I will always be your friend and be there for you in every need. Please trust that I truly mean this...and that I will always be totally committed to you and our beautiful girls.

Love always,

[totallydevoted]

16 1/2 hours until mediation...am I just driving myself nuts here? I am so totally prepared for this...I have all my paperwork done...receipts, spreadsheets, credit summaries, etc. I know my W is not going to have a 1/10 of what I have. I truly believe what I have to submit for our financial situation is really going to open her eyes. Right now...I am in the hole monthly as well as net value...she can definitely have half of that. Being broke never felt so good...

Her only experience with D was her sister...and her H was pretty well off...was able to by her out of the home and also pay her half of what his business was worth plus child support. MY W is thinking it will all go down the same way...as she heads off into the sunset with half of what I have. Well...I'm in the hole because of the house so she can have it!

[Broken74]

Hey totallydevoted,

You sound like me having emotional swings from one side of the pendulum to another. I have done this a number of times and I know it takes a toll...

Keep your chin up while protecting yourself and be the man she would be a fool to leave... These sitch's can turn on a dime, especially if your W comes to her wits with the reality of the situation you described. Good Luck!!!

[totallydevoted]

Thanks broken...I appreciate the support. I have swung the emotional pendulum to both extents. I know my W will at least have a rude awakening...I've been telling her for the last couple of years that we really needed to buckle down to get out of our debt woes...the house has really put a strain on us, bought at the height of the bubble (shocker!). That...and when we separated the first time is when our debt woes began. The cost of it plus us trying to woo each other again and do fun things as a family.

She told my mother that things were wonderful then, but she cannot see the reality of our actions...and hated it when I tried to bring it up to have her help me put us on a good path, which we were on and things were beginning to ease up a bit...but that's over! it wasn't soon enough for her even though I told her 1 1/2 years ago that the next 2 would be a bit painful but we'll get through it together. and i was almost dead on with that timeline. She feels, I guess, that money grows on trees...and I also believe she thinks I've been holding out on her and the kids. As I said, this mediation will be quite the eye opener for her.

I'm prepared for the worst...this will keep me calm and polite...because I have proof that what I've been trying to explain to her this last year and a half has been the truth all along...and it was her who refused to see the reality of it all. she would refuse to even look at my budget spreadsheets...it's an issue with her...she doesn't understand money and finances and it would make feel inferior so whe would withdrawal which would just frustrate me.

Whether or not this will change her attitude about all this, not sure...probably not. I have to be prepared for that...plus it doesn't really matter because I have been doing all this for me. I have been doing all the right things lately with her and my kids. Upbeat, supportive, friendly, sincere, mentally tough...in her presence anyway. I know it's been confusing her and she has appreciated it but she's just not there mentally yet to open up and let her guard down. And I totally understand...she's going to need some serious time. I just hope she uses it wisely and focuses on herself. i think she's afraid to do so because she'll then realize that I wasn't the sole reason for her unhappiness...and that scares her...easier to blame me. she has a rough road ahead of her and I just need to make sure my kids are stable while she goes through it.

This is going to be a positive for us...she won't see that right away but she is a good person and eventually she will realize that what we have is worth saving...even if we have to D for her to come to that realization.

Thanks again my friend...I'll post the outcome tomorrow...keep an eye out, could be some good reading.

[totallydevoted]

1 HOUR UNTIL MEDIATION!!!

Wow...the reality of this all is almost so overwhelming...my insides are all out of whack. I just know we are moving too fast on all this...serious regret is going to set in real quick for her. But, I've been regretting it all along, this does not have to happen, we do still love each other - it's so sad.

But, I'm working out right now...getting pumped! Gonna look good for her...smell good...be good. I'm going to stay calm, stay polite, stay sweet....but I will stay strong!