Wife wants out

[totallydevoted]

Broken...it is really hard and I knew sending that letter was the wrong thing. It's just so hard to balance my 180 of being more attentive, friendly and compassionate, things my W says was lacking in our M, and detaching.

Brit, you are SO correct...I did have a bit of relapse with this letter but I just thought it would make her smile...not thinking that it would remind her of our split and make her feel bad, thus continuing to blame me for all this. She actually is very family-oriented, although right now you wouldn't know it. In her mind, a D is what's right for this family, crazy in my mind but of course I can only control what I'm doing and feeling.

I never call her...email her mainly to coordinate time with kids...every now and then I'll get weak like with this letter...it's so darn hard. I wish I knew what was going on in her head. I am still doing well with GAL, I feel anyway. Reading, IC, working out, getting out...but staying busy 24 hours a day is impossible...it's those down times that get me, especially right when I wake up. I used to be able to just pop out of bed but now it's tough. It is getting a bit easier though with every passing day.

I have some great friends that have yet to isolate me because I'm that guy now. They have been wonderful in allowing me to vent...and all our 100% behind R. Unfortunately, most of my friends aren't mutual with W and I. My wife's a home body and has never really clicked with most of my friends, too bad. All my wife really has is her family...and I'm sure that support is splitsville...ugh!

And to my current friends all you wonderful people, thank you all so much for being there. We will all get through this together.

[totallydevoted]

Had kids all day today...had a really good time. It really helps to have them around. Saw W today when I picked them up...GOD, she looks great. I have to fight every urge to not hold her...she does allow me to touch her arm or run her shoulder when I say hello and goodbye which is a bit of a 180 for me...touching her, she says I never did that enough. she seems to accept it...and maybe even like it a bit. I also never fail to compliment her on her looks when I see her...not like a lost puppy but just kind of in passing...hey, you really good...or you look pretty today. I was giddy and very upbeat when I saw her and we had a real good talk...not about R, just chatting. She laid down on the couch when we were talking and I almost felt like she wanted me to lay down with her. But, I kept it short and cordial...REALLY tough.

I bought some flowers for mother's day...not expecting anything because she is a great mother. She really appreciated them and had them displayed, with card and all in the family room. I felt like she really appreciated it...and she even agreed to let me take the whole family out to breakfast tomorrow.

My kids and I went to the downtown market with arts and crafts this morning where we picked her out a nice, unique hand-made necklace...I'll give it to her at breakfast and say it's from all of us.

Although...mediation is still on Thursday and I noticed she had it circled on her calendar at home...like she's looking forward to it. But, again, I'm ready for the worst so I can remain calm...and show her that I do support her decision but still won't allow her to ruin my life...because I'm on a good path now. Working on me...being a better person for my kids and "showing" her that I am Getting A Life.

[totallydevoted]

Sorry...* rub her shoulder, not run her shoulder. :-)

[totallydevoted]

Breakfast this morning was great...all my girls, W included. We went to her favorite place and she ordered what she always orders...we had a little laugh about that because she always peruses the menu then orders the same thing. I gave her the neckless the kid's and I bought yesterday and she actually gave me a hug for it. She had on a new dress and I complimented her on it...she looked amazing, so pretty and cute. It took everything I had not to put my hand on her leg as she sat next to me. I stayed upbeat and positive and truly enjoyed myself. I have no expectations for anything I do now...for her or my kids, I'm just so happy to have the opportunity to be with them.

I think she appreciated the whole morning, I certainly hope so. As we left she initiated a quick hug and I kissed her head as I did. It could be nothing...but any hugs since S has been all me.

[totallydevoted]

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there!

[Brit45]

Hi TD,
fab-tastic work my friend!

First as a mom I can say I'm sure she really appreciated you saying hey you're a good mom. It does mean a lot. Even more when it's done with no expectations.

Also look how much you appreciated her initiating a hug after so many moments of you holding off NOT touching her!

Stay the course. At the mediation be polite but firm on the things you want. I don't know how mediations work....

[totallydevoted]

Thanks Brit...it does seem her wall has shortened a bit. I truly believe staying upbeat, being a friend and supportive with no expectations has been a great 180 for me. She does seem to take notice. I do touch her but only a slight caress of arm and shoulder as I compliment her or say hello or goodbye, another 180...but the hug was brand new for her.

A mediation is basically a 3rd party helping you divide the assets and come to an agreement for custody/support. It's not a D per se but the mediator can help file it. It's cheaper, and quicker, if the D is amicable so the courts don't get clogged up with people's "petty" differences. The judge has the agreement all worked out in front of him/her to decide whether or not to sign off on it. What a mediation can do however is show a couple that a D just may not be in their best interest...gives them that 3rd party to validate some things that both may not have thought of while being emotionally driven in their decision to D.

I'm not expecting my W to change her mind during all this and I am expecting the worst so I'll be prepared to stay calm and polite, but my W has stated that her biggest problem with me is my "stinginess with money" and this may prove to her that that's not true. And with that out of the way her heart just may open a tiny bit to think about our R and how it really is something that can be saved.

We'll see...4 more days and I will know everything. In the meantime, I'm getting all my ducks in a row, to be prepared and trying to be the best possible me I can be.

[totallydevoted]

W sent me an email saying thank you for breakfast and for giving her a nice mother's day.

However, I did a bad thing (big DB no-no)...I mailed her a letter taking responsibilty for my part in all this...about 2 days ago. She got it yesterday. It was a letter that I felt in my heart I had to send (really almost a 180)...one last chance before the mediation just so she knows how I feel. Laying out what I undertsand to be her needs and desires...and how I would be able to address those needs and what our lives could be like if we fought for us. In her email she said that the letter was "very sweet" but reiterated that she is not interested in getting back together and wants me to give up all hope for our R.

I expected this (although hoping for a different response) and I am okay...mainly because these last two months I have been focusing on me and not expecting anything...detaching as much as I can and trying to just be a friend to her and a loving father to my children. She needs to move on and I am coming to grips with this more and more each day. I wrote earlier in this thread that I still do have that gut feeling that some day our paths will cross again...and we'll both be in a better state to be able to consider lives together again, I truly believe this. I stated that this D just may save our R in the long run. She has to be able to experience life on her own...I hope she does anyway and focuses on herself. I will never give up on that feeling but I will not allow it to inhibit my growth either.

I will always love her...she will always be my first true love. This hurts bad but, again, I am okay.

This was my response to her:

"I understand sweetheart...like I said, I couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't send it. Please know though that it was truly from the heart...and just know that I will always love and adore you...and I hope some day you get everything you want out of life. I'm so sorry I wasn't the one to be able to give it to you.

I mean it when I say that I will always be here for you...and that you will always have a friend in me. I am glad you are having a good mother's day...you most certainly deserve it.

Love always,"

Who knows...even though this was probably the exact opposite of what I should have done...it just may have planted a tiny seed. So, when that possible day does come and our lives cross paths again, she just may find that letter, re-read it and think of me and how special our R was. And then just maybe, pick up the phone to see what/how I'm doing and ask me out to lunch or something. Hey, it could happen...

[totallydevoted]

Sorry Brit...and you were just praising me for doing a good job.

[Brit45]

I think you're amazing. And call me a big softie but I have a tear in my eye reading that.
You said you needed to say those things and you did. I sorta did the same thing once I apologised for things I realised I had done wrong (we NEVER talked about our problems or issues) and he said why are you doing this? I said look even if we never ever get back together I need you to know that I'm sorry I treated you that way and made you feel that way. I think it's important for both of us to heal to know that.

I thought your letter was beautiful. I don't know if it's DB'ing or not. But it sounds like you offered her selfless love and support.

In my sitch he said all types of things and it made me sad. I worried that he would GAL and when he started seeing someone it hit me like a ton of bricks because I thought I would always be the one, it would take longer, who knows. Also in the split it had always been about ME not being happy. He had been selfless etc and so when he said gosh I'm finally happy now. I'm doing things for myself this is great. It made me rethink.

I'm not saying you should date or do anything to make her think of you differently. That's manipulation and pursuit. I'm just saying that at some point I'm sure she will look back at your M, your love story, etc and you have made sure that the bridge wasn't burned.

You've given her a lot of information so if I were you I'd take a step back.