I have had no contact with H since he sent me that very long witty text on Friday after a conversation with a coworker made me think of him. I replied with two lines and that was that no reply from him.
I will update him on Tuesday after the doc appt. just the same as I will update friends of mine who are worried/interested/concerned.
Today I decided to put a picture of us back up. I'd taken down all the pics including ones of family holidays because it was too hard to look at. I also put back up a photo board of a family holiday that also includes pictures of my son. I'm not trying to make anything happen with this. I like those pictures...they got put back up. Do I worry if he comes over he'll feel cagey seeing them? A teeny bit but I'll worry about that the next time I know he's coming by.
I remembered something today and thought it was interesting. I can't remember when but post GF he told me his mom said she'd tried to talk his dad into going to counselling. I just said how's that come up and he said oh I told her that you'd wanted me to go. That was as far as it went. At the time I was just thinking that was all about his parents. But now I'm thinking if it differently. He loves values respects his mom. He hated the way his dad treated his mom. I am a lot like his mom. His mom and dad are now both married to other people. He hates his step mom. His step mom is 180 degrees away from his mom (hmm a lot like this GF) anyway he once told me that he thought we were "too smart" for counselling. I'm now thinking that his mom saying that could have him thinking of MC in another light.
I have no expectations and maybe this convo will change his mind in MC but with me! Haha but I am realising that he was probably saying more than he thought in that statement.
I know how I felt when I had blinders. And I'm using that to have empathy for him. Also I know that everyone in his life is probably really excited that he has someone. (who is young and successful vom) and he's feeding off that to help him heal. And when you're doing that you can't/don't want to stop that feeling to look back because all you associate with the past is sadness and hurt. And knowing the other person has feelings for you leaves you with guilt and so any time you might feel something it's all conflicted with guilt. And because no one likes to feel guilt you block it even more. You only stop feeling guilt when you know everyone's okay!
He does know how I feel that I still care for him. But I am not being desperate needy or sad. Those days are well behind me.
One massive positive is that when we spilt I was convinced it was a never get back together do just pack up and move on. He hasn't said that. He's said timing [censored], maybe we can get to a place where we can go on dates, if in the future the spark is there, and most recently if something changes in the future then great. So for him it's not as off the table as it was for me.
I have had no contact with H since he sent me that very long witty text on Friday after a conversation with a coworker made me think of him. I replied with two lines and that was that no reply from him.
One massive positive is that when we spilt I was convinced it was a never get back together do just pack up and move on. He hasn't said that. He's said timing [censored], maybe we can get to a place where we can go on dates, if in the future the spark is there, and most recently if something changes in the future then great. So for him it's not as off the table as it was for me.
Wow - when was this? Recently?
You have such great insight into your situation and how the guilt contributes to the equilibrium of the R! It's also nice to read about how you can feel empathy for him, having had your blinders on in the past. I can relate - I told my IC that I also have empathy and patience because I remember how it felt to be lost about where the R was going. I remember when H said during MC that while I was in my fog he was deathly afraid of D and then at some point he no longer feared it. I thought this was a positive because we would be on more rational ground! Oops, it turns out once he started thinking of D he "couldn't get it out of his head" and here we are. Ah well.
You sound like you're in a good place. Keep it up!
April 12th we had a really good R talk in which I had said that in the past month I'd felt lied to because he'd said that perhaps we could get to a place where we could go on dates but then he continued a relationship with someone and those two things don't go together. He said then that timing s*cks. (I'm learning DB doesn't like that word) That it's all timing and I had said look 10 years from now we don't want to have dinner and say oh we had a good thing but we let it slip away because of timing. He said everything is timing isn't it and then he proceeded to say basically that he didn't trust himself not to lose himself in the relationship if we got back together due to my strong personality.
He's even joked pre GF that he was going to find the dumbest most gullible woman who will just smile and make him dinner. Because I'm confident, smart, with an attitude. Everything he was attracted to previously. We laughed about that. When he met GF he told me "it's all a bit too easy" "she just can't believe she got someone so good looking" he can't believe "all this works" because he's "doing all the same old bs and it's so easy" It was never like that between us. He said I scared him silly, I kept him on his toes. He thought I dumping him the night we ML. He was just trying to keep up and impress me. We used to have a joke that he would spill something on every date in the beginning because I made him so nervous. So I'm a big scary woman who broke his heart and now he doesn't want to come back.
Anyway this most recent time was Thursday. I told him just so you know I still feel that way. and he said our romantic relationship is over. I don't want to lead you on. If something changes in the future great, but right now he just wants to be my friend.
Also things he said on the 12th....he thinks about the last time we ML a lot. He will always love me, always want to get in my pants. (this was way out of character because he was never the aggressor previously) It would be a shame if this was all there was because we had a great story.
So my mantra is to give him this time to become confident and strong in who he is. Regain his self esteem that he lost through various life circumstances. (we were in a natural disaster and lost everything we owned. We moved he was forced to take a job he hated while I went back to university and landed my dream job) And maybe once he becomes that person again he will want to share himself with me. All I can do is support his choices, not pressure him with pursuit or expectations and keep that road paved clean.
My H has also said that maybe in the future we'll be able to date again and see what happens, but that first we have to D and try to move on. I guess I just don't see why you would D if you think that there could be a chance of reconciliation, but I'm not in charge of the sitch, so it really doesn't matter what I think.
My H had his son move 1,000 miles away last year and is currently in a job where he and his counterpart (who just gave notice on Friday) are treated with little respect. I think that these are just a few of the reasons why it's not working so well between us right now.
I'm also trying to be supportive, without pressure, in hopes that he'll get his life back the way he wants it and maybe that will include a place for me. It's just hard to simultaneously have hope that we will get back together and also prepare to be on my own in case that never happens.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
I guess I look at it like this...I am on my own now. So there's no preparing for it and so are you. So I'm becoming happier and happier on my own and still have hope for the future....come what may Corny I know but it's true. I do want what's best for him and only a selfish person wants a R even if it isn't the best for both people. Also I really like him as a person! And I want to always know him even if it's as friends.
I guess I'm a little bit lucky in that neither of us has brought up D. There is a visa issue he has to sort out before that can happen. I have left that visa issue squarely in his corner and it hasn't been brought up. He told me ages ago his company started the paperwork but I've heard nothing. I'll cross the D bridge when we come to it. Pre Change of Heart I'd done all the research and told him all about it.
I know I'm here a lot...I just to talk...and vent...and work through stuff. And I'd rather do it here where people can point out my gains or where my thought process is going crazy.
OLD GROUND. So today the auction for the piece of furniture ends. I want to buy it but I also feel weird about him saying he'll go pick it up. When he was at my place he gave a lot of excuses about how it wouldn't fit and then said yeah plus I just really don't want to. And I said hey, fine no big deal. Then later I put on FB did any of my friends have access to a truck and would be willing to pick up a piece of furniture..I'd pay gas etc. I did not put this up passive aggressively. I didn't mention him in the post, I genuinely hoped one of my many friends would say yeah I could do that! After a few friends made funny jokes he commented and said hey, fine, I'll go. Now today I feel strange, do I really take him up on that offer. It's that old chestnut of does he mean what he says or is he saying what I want. I don't know if I *should* take him up on his offer.
This was a big problem in our relationship. Him saying yes to something. Whether it was a vacation or a movie or what we'd have for dinner and me second guessing it and him acting sh*tty about it the whole time. 2 months ago we discussed this in an argument. He said I can't tell you what you want to hear I'm not doing that anymore. And I said good! Because I never knew what the heck you you were really thinking and then I'd walk around on eggshells and double triple guess what you really meant because you never told me.
ARGH so do I let him be the delivery man even though he might not really want to be? Or do I just forget the whole thing? (and then am I just doing what I always did...sacrificing something I want because I'm unclear on his feelings about the situation?)
Mamma Mia this is some kinda breakthrough...this is the entire relationship personified in an ebay ad!!!
and on second (or are we on 4th) thought...perhaps that WAS the 180. I asked him for something. He said no, he didn't want to. And I didn't react. I just said fine. I wasn't upset. I didn't try to persuade. He saw that if he was honest with him, stood up to me, didn't even need an excuse I would respect that and be cool with it...and THAT caused him later to say yes, I'll do it.
