4th and long, goal to go, touchdown required

[Broken74]

Hi Folks,

Maybe the third time's a charm ;-)

My Thread # 1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2214349#Post2214349

My Thread # 2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2223886#Post2223886

Welcome to thread # 3! To save any interested DB's the hassle I'm going to bullet point my sitch here to potentially save reading the above pages.

-We met in 2/2009 same month my first divorce was final. Currently I am 38, she is 30, she has 3 children 16, 12, 7, I have no biological children.
-During our dating days, I was unfaithful for about 8 months time while the understanding was we were dating exclusively.
-I determined she was the one for me, we got engaged in 12/2009 and I never looked at another woman after that time.
-We got married in 5/2010, I have supported the children as my own during this time, built a house that allowed her to get full custody, no financial support made by the childrens fathers at any time.
-I had a hard time adapting to the stepfather role, was always nice to and did financially good things for the kids, but never pursued a significant emotional attachment, as I was trying to let them grow to me.
-Resentment grew based on financial stresses (I pulled her out of bankruptcy with the house purchase amongst other things, and all credit was on my back).
-I didn't drink often, but on <5 occassions I verbally abused W in a drunken tirade, I have since stopped drinking.
-Separated a few days in mid 2011, in August she wanted us to physically separate on a permanent basis, she had already started corresponding with OM at this time.
-I uncover extramarital affair on 10/9/11 while I have custody of 2 of my 3 stepchildren. Called her out on the affair and engaged the OM. She writes a diatribe of lies to get a 50B restraining order because she was pissed I broke up her A relationship, she threatened to kill me. I am legally barred from the home I built for our family.
-I put her up in a rental property, stopped by one day OM was there as "friend". Walked in, confronted OM, was arrested for 50b violation.
-Darkness up to the point she went to court to talk to the DA to get everything dismissed, but the DA would not oblige, 11 more Domestic Violence classes to go.
-Spent time with W and SC during Christmas and spent NYE with W. Put her in a BMW to make her dreams come true at Christmas.
-I found this site in 1/2012 and read DB and DR, received good advice, heeded some but not all with varying results.
-Persued to varying degrees, last saw wife at Valentines day.
-Maintained relative darkness after that, most recently three weeks up to last weekend.
-Dropped her a care package for an exam she had on Monday and which she said was thoughtful and we had a pleasant exhange. I am reengaging darkness now.
-Now W is starting to "cyberstake" me out, unblocked me from FB, visited my linkedin profile. Is streaming music title after music title about "making mistakes and getting someone back".
-I am showing unconditional love for my W and stepkids by contributing to 529k college savings accounts for them, and giving her the space she wanted.

Either of us is eligible to file for D on 8/27. My sitch is at a turning point. I am hardheaded and tend to do things my own way unfortunately. Her Love Language is receiving gifts so it is hard to go dark on special occasions, of which there are effectively 4 before the eligible filing "D" day.

Mothers day this Sunday
Our anniversary on 5/27
And two SC birthdays in July.

I have been somewhat detached but the recent activity has got me on the roller coaster again. I know the advice would be to go dark but given on a seeming upslope I want to do something thoughtful for her for Mothers day and our anniversary.

I know I am a mess, and mindreading and not following the DB prinicples, but any veteran or other advice is greatly appreciated.

Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Broken74]

Yikes, and almost forgot I GAL out the wazoo and have little to no free time... The time I struggle the most is at work when sitting at a computer with time to put my thoughts down here. The thing that has me spun up now is the fact that there is evidence (not all mind-reading evidence) that something is going on in her head. Herein lies my problem. I have no expectations but it is in my nature to figure out what is going on which I need to stop. On a side note I neglected to mention that in the process of GAL I have started seeing a remarkable young lady, which complicates matters, although she knows that no divorce has been filed as of yet and as such my "relationship potential" is a scattered minefield. Ironically this type of scenario is one of the things that drew my W toward me the first time, although I am in this situation because it in enjoyable/GAL for me, not to elicit a response from my W.

Thanks Kaffe for bumping the patience thread that is exactly what I need!

[Broken74]

I've got a DB coach session set up for 2pm on Monday with Cheryl, not sure if she will offer "by the book" advice or otherwise, because I don't think "by the book" is going to help me in my sitch right now. The only thing I have navigate in the meantime is Mothers day. I'm going to drop her a simple card in the mail and say her children are lucky to have her as their mother and to enjoy her day. Maintaining darkness and trying to be patient aside from that.

Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[RoRoinMD]

I've got a DB coach session set up for 2pm on Monday with Cheryl, not sure if she will offer "by the book" advice or otherwise, because I don't think "by the book" is going to help me in my sitch right now. The only thing I have navigate in the meantime is Mothers day. I'm going to drop her a simple card in the mail and say her children are lucky to have her as their mother and to enjoy her day. Maintaining darkness and trying to be patient aside from that.

Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

Broken, Cheryl is my DB Coach and I love her. The advice she gave me was invaluable! I'm not saying her advice isn't "by the book", but most of what she told me went against all of those 32 rules. LOL

I'm saying that to say, give a chance. I think she can help you.

[Broken74]

Thanks Ro,

Yeah Cheryl is great I have talked to her twice before. I think I'm in the best spot with my sitch I've been in since it started, and given the positives of my last interaction with W I don't think "doing nothing" for mothers day or our anniversary although would be the by the book move, is going to make any improvements to my sitch.

The thing is albeit they are very small movements on her part, they are positive movements just the same which although I'm happy for is giving me a sense of hope that fuels some anxiety and non-detached thoughts.

Thanks for your post is it encouraging to see other people having success without following the "book" to a T. Good luck!

[totallydevoted]

Broken...not sure what advise I can give you...only that 180s work and sometimes those 180s don't jive with detaching. It's all touch and go...hang in there, we're here for you. I know you've ben on here a while and have used these great folks.

I love the title though...I could seriously use a TD myself...and then go for 2.

[Broken74]

Thanks totallydevoted, I appreciate the feedback my friend! I didn't even mention it's practically the 4th quarter, two weeks until that starts. I know we aren't supposed to have timers on things, but I think my boundary is going to have to be that if she is not ready to work on the M by the 1yr mark of our separation date, I'm going to have to file myself. I can't take this living in limbo any further, it still affects my sleep, my work performance, and my general outlook (even though I GAL like crazy). And I think I'm detached Ha!!!

You're right about this community, all the kind folks here from talked me down from some pretty high ledges and provided me some great advice. I only wish I had found this site sooner, I would certainly have handled the whole finding about the affair situation different which would have literally saved me thousands of dollars, a record until the charges are dismissed, amongst other things. I would venture to say we would have probably started piecing by now had I have handled the A situation differently and just walked away. To say it has been a learning experience is an understatement. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

Thanks again for the read and feedback much appreciated!

[Broken74]

Watched Swingers for the first time last night. As a number of vets have said on here, that should be required viewing for anyone dealing with a WAS. I wholeheartedly agree with this assessment, it is really a wake up call to see and I will probably be watching it again. I can see myself in Mikey all the way through the movie, and the timing is almost the same, difference is I am dealing with my W, not a girlfriend, but he had been dating his girl over twice as long than I have known my W... I am almost at the point that he was at the end of the movie. My W is seemingly just starting to turn the ship around a bit, but if she picks up the phone to call me it is more than likely that I could have better things to do. There is a an extremely large pool of caring, intelligent, beautiful and eligible women in the world. One in particular has caught my attention and if the W does double back I am going to have a significant decision to make.

I did drop a very simple Mothers day card in the mail to her today. Nothing overtly romantic, wrote a couple of lines to the effect she was the strongest mother I have ever known and that her kids are blessed to have her as their mother. Mentioned I have learned from my Dad and my 1/2 brother that shared DNA is not required to have a loving/strong parent child relationship, and that I wish I had learned that sooner, and wished her a special day.

That was a 180 for me, so that's why I sent the card. After watching Swingers I'm going to go totally dark now, including doing nothing for our anniversary on Monday 5/21 unless Cheryl advises otherwise on Monday. The switch finally flipped in that why am I going to recognize they hiring date for a job she decided to fire me from? I'll have $200 worth of framed lighthouse art to do something with now, if something changes down the road that will come in handy lol.

I still could use some additional opinion on a poll.

I continue to contribute to my stepchildrens 529 college savings accounts at this time. I am doing this for them, not for her, with no expectations. I think this is a good idea as it shows my unconditional love and that I am supporting them in every way I can. Feedback I've received so far points to this being a good idea, would anyone construe this as pursuing behavior?

Since it's for them and not for her I hope not, as I plan on continuing to do it.

Enjoy your weekend and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Brit45]

Hi Broken,
I had a read after you visited my thread. Thank you for your words!
You asked if puttin money into the kids savings accounts was pursuing.....only you can answer that. Are you doing this so your wife will think of you differently? Does she even know or is this between you and the kids? Reading over your sitch you have a history of doing lavish things such as getting her out of bankruptcy buying her a house a luxury car (you even point out the model) and the seem a bit resentful that you did it. Don't give a gift if there are strings attached. Even if you take this in the future honestly don't buy a woman anything if it will upset you if it's not treated how you feel it should be. You said you didn't connect with he kids...are you spending time with them or throwing money at it and calling it unconditional love?

The main thing about you sitch that jumped out to me is you have't had a rest! You met W the same month your previous divorce was final, didn't stop seeing someone else until you got engaged and a little over a year later there was a 3rd party involved. Now you're seeing someone while wondering if she'll come back. This might sound controversial but if you were my friend or brother thus is what I'd say how about taking say a year and not dating. Just focus on yourself. You can't look to other people to make you happy. And it's not fair to this girl or any other girl you meet if in the back of your head you're thinking well if W changes her mind....
My IC told me we give off subliminal signals and attract people similar to where we are emotionally so if you're hurting insecure angry bitter that's who you're going to attract.
Work on yourself. Don't buy anyone's affection. Be okay with being on your own. Enjoy your own company. Before you ad anyone else. Don't think 4 steps ahead.
You might not like my advice...It's a bit tough love but you asked! The best thing for you is working on you!

[Broken74]

Thank you Brit! :-)

I definitely need some tough love at times, and I take heed to all of your points but need to clarify a couple of things I didn't cover in my earlier "summary".

1) Regarding the 529k investments, those are for the good of my stepkids with no expectations. I have asked to spend quality time with my stepkids but my W would not allow that, not shortly after the new year anyway. I did take them to a UNC basketball game in January which was fun, but my further requests to play tennis/basketball/etc with my stepkids was denied by my W. So really the only way I feel I can show my love for them is to invest in their future, which I can do so that's what I'm doing.

2) I don't know if resentment is the word I can use for my feelings I had after my W had an affair. I think resentment would be "I did this and this and this and you weren't appreciative". My feelings are more like, after I did "this and this and this" you were cold enough to step out and have an A with another man? I am over this at this point. I consider us even, I was unfaithful while we were dating, after I treated her wrong and in her mind we "were separated" she was unfaithful. So be it. She slept other guys before we got married and I had my share too so it is illogical to be worried about that at this point. I finally am over it.

3) Your points on the lack of a break is on target. My history of jumping from woman to woman precedes itself. The difference being in this last instance I had no intent of it happening, it just happened. It is nothing serious, but the woman is the type that makes me wonder is it going to be worth the risk to reinvest my energies in my W because of the lack of trust. I would do it tomorrow if my W said she wanted to give us another chance. My mouth has said otherwise previously but from day one my heart has told me to reconcile things with my wife. I appreciate the need to enjoy life on your own. There is one thing that you can't provide on your own however (actually you can but not quite the same lol) and that is an enjoyable sex life. I would not be GAL otherwise so that is largely why I'm in the situation that I'm in. I'm not a sex addict by any means, but I could not fathom the thought of going a month much less a year without sex, perhaps that's just me.

I do work on myself day to day, and I know my sitch is a proverbial train wreck, but somehow it's in the best place it has been from when it started. I appreciate your feedback and especially the tough love approach because that's what I "get". :-)

My question to you is, given my "actions" that I have been doing recently, since I haven't been using many words, is what should I do to help my WAW to keep progressing? I'm not worried about the mothers day card a friend could have easily sent what I sent. But for the anniversary, do absolutely nothing right? That would be the most shocking "action" that has ever taken place since we started dating. I had something very thoughtful on tap (two framed pictures of lighthouses that we visited the first weekend we spent together and ML for the first time, with lighthouses being a big deal to her lol), but am thinking the better move would to just go dark until she does something else.

That's going to be my plan unless Cheryl advises otherwise in our session on Monday.

Thank you again so much for your feedback you have no idea how much I appreciate it!!! Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!