But I wanted to respond to some really helpful feedback I received in the last few posts.
Zig said “your h is talking more about how he is judging himself, i think.
as for "coming back from this" - don't take this burden on your self - it's not yours to carry. if your actions and words are not judgmental - you know that he's talking about himself”.
Problem for me, Zig, is that I DO think I was overtly judgemental of my H when he started having a series of business failures. This went on for a period of some 3 years, and the whole shemozzle led to our current disaster relationship-wise, I feel.
Looking back, I can see his financial recklessness as part of his mlc/mood disorder. I didn't know that at the time and got increasingly angry and accusatorial about what he was doing to us financially.
I guess all I can do now is to show that I don’t judge him any more. But how long it might take for him to trust me again – is anyone’s guess. Maybe never….
You also said: “btw - calling everyday, about picking up the kids?
is there a potential boundary setting scenario here on your part? can you be too busy to pick up the phone? or send a text earlier in the day and give him the time - there's an opportunity for a juicy 180 there on your part.
there's something about him calling everyday that smacks of keeping you pulled in and him calling the shots - especially over something like that , which could be handled differently?”
I’m not sure about this. Two things: 1. The kids’ schedules are all over the place and I don’t usually know, myself, what time they need to be picked up until they let me know in the morning. Every day is different and they 'remember' things they are scheduled to do at the last minute.
2. I kind of feel that it’s a baby step, at this stage, to have H ringing me to talk every day. Previously, he has cycled into very short impersonal texting. Last few weeks have seen him ringing me daily again – and this usually turns into a brief, friendly conversation about movies or news or the dog… So I guess I see it as a way to show my changes.
I definitely don’t always pick up – and indeed, my non-responsiveness to his texts was what brought about the recurrence of phone calls recently.
But I take your point, I’m really not sure if I should go dim and try to make him realize what he’s missing, or keep sounding friendly and upbeat and be available to talk every day.
I may be off-track, DB-wise, here; just not sure which way to take it. At the moment I seem to be ‘doing what works’. H-ll, he even came inside, sat on the sofa and accepted a piece of pizza this afternoon when he dropped S13 off.
As pathetic as it sounds, accepting an offer of food from me like this is about as big a deal as a wild-life photographer enticing a rare, wild animal to eat from her hand.
You said: "Judgment, blaming, shame all can ruin a R.
I agree, NLW, it's not yours to carry. I think it's monumental that 1) he recognizes this and 2)he articulated it.
He's thinking."
Thanks for your perspective on this. I hadn't really thought of it as a sign of him working on himself - but now you mention it - it is something. I think I've been so caught up on making my own changes and looking within that i didn't even think about the possibility that he might be doing the same.
And I have read 'How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It'.
If only I'd read it before I took to blaming and shaming him with my anxiety about our business/financial situation.....
As you said: "So if your H lost all his and your money, and says he feels very guilty, feels like a failure, etc. there's a few ways you can go. Generally reinforcing his guilty feelings aren't going to help, but neither are false reassurances, and that leaves you in a tough place".
Yes, it does feel tough to know what to do.
But your specific suggestions are just what I needed to hear. I'm so grateful for the time you've taken to give specific, voiced examples of how to respond. How I wish I could see things with your clarity! I feel so dull and zombie-like these days. But I'll keep in mind that I need to focus on and applaud the positives.
H's LL is affirmation, so he'll lap up any amount of appreciation.
I do sense that he is coming back around in the last few days, so hoping this is not just because he wants something from me, but is responding to my consistent attempts to be independent, positive, upbeat and non-judgemental.
Maybe only a couple more years of this before he sees the light! (groan)
Not sure how to handle a recent request from my H. Any suggestions gratefully received.
He gave me an unsigned letter from his lawyer some months ago that requested my agreement to a separation of our assets. Presumably, because he GAVE it to me, and it was not signed by L, it was just a draft.
At the time he said I could throw it in the bin if I wanted - it was just an 'opening gambit'.
WTF?
He has now asked me for it back so he can 'make some changes'.
WTF X2?
Why wouldn't he just get his L to make the changes and send a new letter?
Should I give him my copy or should I just say that my L now has it?
I suppose I want to make him realise that getting a D isn't like this - you have to do it for yourself, not get your LBS to help you with the logistics.
AND, you have to pay (through the nose) for it!
Opinions?
Basically the letter said H would continue to pay kids' school fees and basic maintenance as long as I agreed to give him 40% of my superannuation and half of my house. Yeah, sure....
I replied by giving him a list of the types of financial information that would be needed in order to come to any agreement about financial matters (basically we need a list of assets and liabilities, tax statements, bank details, business details, etc). He refuses to produce this information.
I'm wondering why he needs your copy back; if he gave you the draft, I would assume either he or his lawyer has the document saved? That's neither here nor there, just odd.
If it were me, I'd give him the document back with no questions/comments. However, I would make a copy for myself first (but not tell him this) so I could make side-by-side comparisons of his changes when you get the new draft.
There is no sense in mind-reading what it is he wants to change. He may want to be more generous or he may want to ask you for more. It will be interesting to see exactly what he has in mind.
In any event, I still think separating finances sooner rather than later is a good idea. If you reconcile, you can easily change this. But as I read somewhere recently, we all need to have a little "f-you" money tucked away for safe keeping. You never know when you might need it.
Do not negoitate directly with H, that is your L job. Your L can tell you what the protocol is and you should keep what the law says you should keep. Its not something that he should negiotate with you.
My father/lawyer says woman always get the short end when they handle the agreement themselves. He also thinks 4 ways meetings are a way for the H & lawyer to bully the woman.
Hang in there
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Had a conversation with H today in which he showed again how he was feeling about himself.
S13 was talking to him about having watched him play football on the weekend.
H showed surprise that we were there. This was weird, as we were standing about 10 feet from him on the sideline for around 2 hours. And we had our distinctive dog with us. And there were only about 4 other people out watching!!!
Anyway, H said that he was "pathetic, pathetic" (in relation to how he played).
Repeated this again later in the conversation.
He seems so down. No chance for change while he's in this state. And with the choices he's making, not much chance that he's going to feel good about himself.
Ok, Need some help in figuring out if i am over-reacting.
This morning, the power went out at home due to a big outage across the neighbourhood. I get a call from H after about 30 mins asking what's happened - as the server that runs his business is still at home and he can tell it's not working.
I explain and say I will phone him back as soon as power is restored.
Tell him I am leaving for work in about 30 mins, however.
About 45 mins later - and after I am at work - I get a call from H to tell me that he has BROKEN IN to the house to get the server.
He says he went in through a back window - which I know to have been locked and to have had nails hammered through the frame to prevent forced entry.
I think it's possible that he may have kept a key and gotten in that way.
So he is either lying - in a pretty florid way - or has actually broken into the house that he hasn't lived in for 8 months.
In any case, he has now left the house open to burglars (during a power outage) knowing that I was at work all day.
I was shaking to think he would have done these things - either lied in such a ridiculous way, or actively forced entry and then left the house, and everything in it, vulnerable.
But then I thought maybe he just sees it as 'Oh well, I had to break into my own house because I didn't have a key and it was an emergency.'
In the end, I asked him to come to my work and pick up a key so that he could go back and re-lock the window.
Maybe I am just 'choosing' suffering to get upset over this? I really felt like I was losing it when he told me what he'd done.
Or maybe he really is starting to exhibit increased signs of mental breakdown....
