Wife wants out

[totallydevoted]

Really missing W today...and my family. Still just having real hard time about finality of all this. The fact that it appears with W that there is no hope.

I was out of town on business past couple of days...was real hard being in a hotel without W...we always had great time traveling. Then coming home to no one really...to this lonely 1 bedroom apt...the isolation is really tough. I guess this is a way W is getting back at me sort of...for her isolation I guess when we were together. Going dark is so hard...especially when it seems that's what W wants.

She seems to be moving on and just seems so okay with all this, that without me in the house, life is so much better and she doesn't miss me one bit. That's the hardest part because we did have so many good times but she just doesn't seem to want to think about that, only the bad. I know I can't trust what she does or say but man is she good at making it appear that her decision is the best thing that has ever happened to her. I still stay upbeat and am still GAL...but I just can't get over this loss, it's eating me up inside and I find myself backsliding. I think if only I can hold her, all would begin to mend. God, life's lessons just stink. I'm a good man, a good person...I know this. But knowing that the best thing that has ever happened to me doesn't think so...incredibly disheartening.

This post keeps getting lost in the shuffle it appears...i read so many that have such good support and advice. I do appreciate those that have commented and offered support...i guess I'm just really needy right now...needing that magical solution. I guess only I can create it by solving myself...becoming an even better person...and no matter what, all will work out in the end.

[totallydevoted]

Today W and I were going over bills and she came to the mediation again. I explained my concern over the custody issue and how I expected joint custody and she totally flipped out stating that she has always been the primary caregiver and how could I even suggest such a thing. It appears that she was expecting me to just be a wallet and a babysitter. To only see my kids every other weekend while living the high life off my child support. I informed her that I have no desire to just roll over and allow her to dictate the rest of my life.

I thought we would at least end this amicably but now it appears this will not be the case. She is only thinking of herself, in the guise of saying she's doing this for the kids. She doesn't undertsand how this is going to affect them and how this will affect our family for years. She has nothing to base this on...I have seen D first hand and know how it eats away at families. She obviously expected this to be so easy...that she could just force me to go away while living off half my money. This will ruin me but she could care less. I need to get a L at this point but cannot afford one...I'm in quite the pickle here.

[E-Chic]

"She seems to be moving on and just seems so okay with all this, that without me in the house, life is so much better and she doesn't miss me one bit. "

I'm sorry you are going through this. Maybe your wife feels that when she is on her own in the house, she isn't feeling ignored? Just a guess, but that may be the reason she thinks it feels better. It isn't that it feels GOOD, but that she doesn't feel that pain (like the old joke about hitting yourself with a hammer because it feels so good when you stop).

I don't have any wisdom on the joint custody or child support issues, hopefully someone else will be able to chime in on that.

[totallydevoted]

Thanks chic...we are back on the mediation train...no lawyers, for now. She admitted that our conversation concerning custody was a mis-undertsanding. Our mediation appointment is on the 17th of this month. I am very anxious about this because I just feel I'm going to get hurt financially. She keeps mentioning that we'll need to follow the FL guide to support, which puts me in a bad way. I carry all our debt. My W has never been good fiscally and has no idea how to budget herself or balance a checkbook - which has been a big cause of frustration for me. So, over the years her credit situation has been really bad and any new debt we added was all me, including the house. All the while, we got her back on track and improved her credit. Now she's basically free and clear...oh joy! What a jerk I've been to be somewhat responsible with our budget and "looking" out for her (sarcasm).

Anyway, we'll see what happens. I'm still doing pretty good with GAL...going out with friends, working out, dropping weight and looking better than I have in a long time. Tough thing for me is that she looks fantastic as well. My big 180 has been to always be positive, caring, friendly and in a good mood when around her. We only see each other when I get the kids but we do have very friendly times...it feels good, but tears me up inside as well because all I want to do is hold her. I still have hope and will never give up on this family...even with a D. I just know it that we are meant to grow old togther...just going to take awhile to get there...for her to forgive me...and allow her heart to be open again to us.

[totallydevoted]

I had, I think, my 5th counseling session today. I have found a good therapist that seems to be putting me on the right path. We are focusing of course on just me and sort of getting me ready for the mediation and D afterwards. I told her about this site and she was going to take a look.

We are working on EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) based on a book by Dr. Sue Johnson titled "Hold Me Tight". It focuses on the necessity of all humans for an emotional bond with others...it has really opened my eyes to take others for who they are and not what I think they should be. To understand that all people really need is an affectionate bond with their loved ones, making "everything else" basically irrelevant. If you work on nurturing this bond than everything else will just fall into place. Huge paraphrasing there... ;-)

This is part of my GAL...because even if it doesn't work out for W and I, it will definitely make me a better person...and will definitely help me in any future R as well.

[totallydevoted]

I really hope this mediation will open my W eyes a bit to the repercussions of all this. But, I have no expectations and am preparing myself mentally...I will not be able to promise that I won't break down in there though. My therapist says that she actually knows the mediator and has good things to say, so we should be treated fairly.

I have told my W that even though I do not want this D, I am willing to support her because I understand her pain...and I understand that in her heart she feels this is what she needs. She seemed very touched by this...but again, no expectations here.

W has agreed for me to take her and girls out to breakfast for Mother's Day this Sunday...which really made me feel good. But then she followed that up confirming with me that I am able to make the mediation...instant slam, but she doesn't know that. NO expectations and detaching...is just so hard when you love someone so much.

[Brit45]

Hi TD,
I just read your thread. You seem to be very upset with her "moving on just fine" "living the high life on Child Support" and also terribly missing her, thinking of her constantly, wanting to hold her.

I was a WAW (you can read the insanity of my rollercoaster on my thread if you like) let me tell you that everything you're perceiving isn't really real. I kept myself super busy with work, friends, events, concerts, plays, I would have gone to a garage sale in hell just because it was my choice I could do what I want and who knows the Devil might have some good knick knacks.
My point is things aren't moving along easily. It's all seems new and different and fun RIGHT NOW. but that will wear off and suddenly it's not fun trying to figure out how to flip the fuse (I almost broke the computer desk climbing up to the fuse box)

When you're a WAW it's like you have blinders on. You've made this massive scary huge decision. Leaving your marriage, getting a divorce, splitting up your kids from their dad....the last thing you want to do is admit you may have made a mistake. It took me 5 months and when I did realise that maybe it wasn't be best decision I practically had a break down. That's neither here nor there...just know that she is being headstrong about this mediation because she feels like she has to see this decision through.

I don't know if you should have told her about this site. You put so much of your thoughts and feelings on here...but that's my opinion. I wouldn't want my H reading my posts.

Concentrate on being the best you, you can be. Time is on your side.

[vera be fierce]

TD - can you contact a local bar association? They may be able to assist you in finding a low-cost or pro bono attorney. Some attorneys may also have a free initial consultation that could give you some things to think about prior to your mediation session. If your W is going to be crazy about demanding support and custody, you need to prepare yourself to protect yourself and your relationship with your kids.

[unbidden]

Also, I think some therapists keep lists of what separating couples need to consider as a way of trying to scare the reluctant spouse into thinking more clearly. If you have an IC, he or she might have such a resource if you ask and it will help at mediation.

[totallydevoted]

Brit, thank you so much. It's exactly what I've been thinking...wife is pretty stubborn and I know she has it in her head that this is the right thing for her. And all I'm doing is staying calm, friendly and supportive...I think it confuses her - it's one of my 180s. I know we still love each other and I know this is going to take some serious time and consistensy. Also, I didn't tell W about this site, I told my IC because I have been telling her what I've been learning here and the great support from so many like you that are in the same boat. How's your sitch going by the way? Part of me thinks W may do the same thing...and my fear is that I will have moved on by the time she comes to that realization. Well, not really a fear since GAL is what I'm focusing on now, I just may be happier in the long run. And I'm not sure that I will be able to trust her again not to leave me, take the kids if things get tough again.

Verab, thank you for the advise. I have been thinking about doing that and have been reading up on my rights. The mediation won't be final unless I sign...and if I don't like what comes from it then I will talk to a L.