Good morning Brit..........Its been a long time since I have posted in here, altho I do follow a few situations. Your Title ( I'm a WAW who wants back ) grabbed my attention immediately.
I mentally checked out of my marriage about 6 months before I left my husband in 2007. We have a long history........of ups and downs. Been together since our teens....We are now in our late 50's. I walked away ( was actually pushed away )but very glad just to get out....U know ... I needed some space, some time to think, anything just to clear my head. I also wished that he would find someone to make him happy because he certainly wasnt happy with me, nor I with Him. We had both lost respect for each other...which led to many many arguments. I finally said I had HAD enough!!
As a WAW all I wanted was space......time to be able to breath again, and he gave me that, he gave me time to miss him.
We didnt have OP involved.... ( altho we could have had ) This is the big difference in our situation.
To make a long story short as I'm short on time. The divorce was stopped, and we remain married ( happily ) It took alot of work on ME, with the help of this board and MWD's books. You can do this..if your marriage does not reach R, you will come out of it a better person.
Thank you NOTSOSUNNY I was nodding along to your description of wanting him to be happy. I used to cry and think maybe he'll find someone who will make him happy because that wasnt me.
I feel like I owe Betsey LOADS for pointing me towards Nikel's threads. There is so much that mirrors my sitch.
I woke up this morning feeling new again. Does that make sense? I just had some sort of turning point between posting and reading.
I have accepted and agree that anything I do in my life for his benefit is POINTLESS. LRT, 180, GAL none of that is for him it's for me.
I kept thinking and analysing (my downfall) if I go dark will it give me the outcome I want? if I work on the friendship will it give me the outcome I want? All of that is manipulation. I can't predict or influence an outcome at least I can't influence if I'm trying to influence.
Yes I am doing the 37 rules and not initating contact but not for any desired behavior from him. It's for me!!!! to get back on my own feet emotionally and to lessen the thoughts I have of him. But I'm not going to play silly games.
All I have been doing is being upset about a decision I made in the past or worrying that the future won't be something I can cope with but all that matters is RIGHT NOW. I have to get okay with RIGHT NOW before it all passes me by.
Right now I have a teenage son who needs/lovees/is a lot of fun me, a great job with exciting things happening over the next few months, a body that I haven't had in 7 years, and a marriage I ended so that we could both be happy because we weren't happy together. (and I quit smoking yesterday!)
He said I was his best friend and we would always be friends. So here's my rules to be his friend: Friends don't sabotage the others relationship Friends don't flirt with each other. Friends don't sleep with each other. Friends want the best for that person. They're happy for the other's acheivements. Friends aren't jealous of one another. Friends don't have an agenda. Friends don't try to push thier wishes/hopes/dreams/opinions onto that the other A Friend listens more than talks. A friend tries to understand where you're coming from instead of telling you why you're wrong. A friend never says I told you so.
I also wished that he would find someone to make him happy because he certainly wasnt happy with me, nor I with Him. We had both lost respect for each other...which led to many many arguments. I finally said I had HAD enough!!
Brit, I think the above in bold is a very common theme, regardless of whether it is spoken or not.
It is my opinion (and I don't think this is just some artefact of co-dependency) that both the WAS and the LBS can hopefully come to the conclusion that we make ourselves happy.
This is a big part of what is promoted in DB. The GAL and knowing that we will be OK, regardless of the outcome...
When we watch someone go through a life transition... the process of "finding oneself and finding one's happiness"... how it is often that the pilgram might find enlightenment "out there" on their journey... they find themselves by standing still... and they find their happiness by looking for and creating it within...
I hope your H finds that an OP will not make him happy. In the mean time... create your own...
BTW, congratulations on quitting smoking. I hope you find the persistence to stay a non-smoker. I'm still working getting to the first stage and actually stopping...
In the mean time, this vvvvvv
Originally Posted By: Brit45
He said I was his best friend and we would always be friends. So here's my rules to be his friend: Friends don't sabotage the others relationship Friends don't flirt with each other. Friends don't sleep with each other. Friends want the best for that person. They're happy for the other's acheivements. Friends aren't jealous of one another. Friends don't have an agenda. Friends don't try to push thier wishes/hopes/dreams/opinions onto that the other A Friend listens more than talks. A friend tries to understand where you're coming from instead of telling you why you're wrong. A friend never says I told you so.
Is an AWESOME list to aspire to! Print that out and paste it on as many visible surfaces as you can!
HAHA I will print out carry in my wallet, hang on the bathroom mirror, etc.
Today I went to the doctor and got antibiotics for a skin condition. Also go referred to a specialist and my dr mentioned that they should do some blood tests for a condition that a childhood friend of mine had. She died from complications from the condition when we were 19. I really, really, really, wanted to call H. Wanted to tell him what was happening. But I haven't. Because I thought about it and I don't have an "end goal" in that conversation. He'll say that [censored], you don't know anything yet, at least you're going to see a specialist, I'm sure it will be fine. I told my best friend who texted me to say she'd googled all morning researched the condition and we would deal with it if that's what it was. I love her and I'm thankful she's in my life.
Positive things: I made a list of everything I would do if there was nothing stopping me from the crazy to basic. and I'm going to start chipping away at that list. Okay perhaps I'm not booking a trip to the Inca trail but I am starting a meditation class next week. Way out of my comfort zone. (I even looked into belly dancing...why not?) I'm looking into recovering second hand dining room chairs. I've quit smoking (24 hours in right now!)
I'm also signing up to do a lot of stuff. I've volunteered for some extra shifts at work events. I'm planning a company party. I even joined a social/singles meet up group and going to a board game night. I met the woman who runs the group and she kept telling me to come one night. It's not a "dating group" just for singles who might be new to the area or what to meet more people. So out of my comfort zone I go!
The past few weeks I've wanted to do NOTHING and now I'm planning stuff just to be busy and get out and about. Even silly things like restaurants I've wanted to take my son too and committing to making it to my exercise class once a week!
Glad you found Nickel's threads helpful. I kinda thought you would. You don't owe me anything... she's a terrific person and I can't imagine her not being in my life. If she were still posting, she'd be glad she could help you.
Quote:
I kept thinking and analysing (my downfall) if I go dark will it give me the outcome I want? if I work on the friendship will it give me the outcome I want? All of that is manipulation. I can't predict or influence an outcome at least I can't influence if I'm trying to influence.
This was what I was hoping you'd get. This is YOUR sitch, and you are unique here. Your list is right on, so keep that as your bible of sorts. Good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I'm a horrible sitch to read! I came here posted that I wouldn't call him and then I did. BAD BRIT!
positive: he offered to drive me to my specialist appointment. He said well depending on when it is...let me know...if I can I'd be happy to take you. (I know from reading a bit on 5 Lang of Love that his is acts of service. he once told me he almost cried opening a sandwich I'd made him for lunch. I thought that was so silly and that making a man's lunch was so 1950s housewife and we were above that. I should have listened and learned. For Future Ref I will.)
negative: I brought up upcoming night out with friends visiting from outside the country. Asked if he was still planning to come. (I'm cringing at the thought!) He said "yeah, should do, we'll see, but yeah I think so. When is it? yeah we'll see."
That whole exchange made me mentally think of a boxer dancing around in the corner trying not to get caged. The truth is it doesn't matter if he's going. I'll be going to see my friends who I haven't seen in 4 years who have flown half way around the world. Whether or not he goes is up to him. It's a big group situation and me asking was adding more pressure to it. Cheeseless tunnels I'm looking at you.
other positives: we laughed a lot. I did not bring up FB-gate from yesterday or the fact that OW's car had been parked on my road for their trip to the city yesterday.
The truth is our "friendship" is a heck of a lot better than it was a month ago when we had a crazy-town argument about him texting me using a pet name the same day he took OW for Easter lunch at his mothers.
He said he didn't want it to be weird and minus my flirting yesterday (which he didn't seem to think was awkward) everything has been friendly, upbeat, positive etc. (even if I have at times felt violently ill at the idea of him not coming back/spending time with her/enjoying all the wonders of life without me I have not let him see it!)
Now I'm putting the communication horse back in stable. And should it give me big brown sad eyes I will come here instead!
