Hi, thanks for your replies - you're absolutely right, I think his expectations have been through the roof and I guess I had expectations that we would talk things through more. In hind sight (what a wonderful thing!) I probably moved back too quickly. But I'm here now. I know I should have had no expectations, but I've done the best I can at least to to react to them not bearing fruition.
Since the text I have had some sweeping statements from him - 'somethings missing', we're not going to be ok', and 'I'd try if I thought things would change'. I've learnt that my H is very black and white, and reacts to how he's feeling in that moment.
Yesterday he told me that he knows we get on really well, but doesn't feel over our entire relationship (the last 6 years) that we've ever had a great time, and if it hasn't happened yet then it never will. This is in complete contrast to what he's said over the past couple of months
I'm not sure what to do now. He isn't going to come to my brother's wedding in 2 weeks and has cancelled the holiday we were going on in June.
With the house - legally he can't force me out because we're married and that's the law here, but he did buy me out when we separated last year and I have my own place, which is why I'm feeling a bit awkward about digging my heels in and staying.
I'm trying to focus on how far we have come over the past year, but it's hard! Thanks, as ever, for taking the time to post.
Hi Tinker, I've gotten a lot of the same script statements from my black/white H that you have gotten:
Originally Posted By: tinker
Since the text I have had some sweeping statements from him - 'somethings missing', we're not going to be ok', and 'I'd try if I thought things would change'. I've learnt that my H is very black and white, and reacts to how he's feeling in that moment.
Yesterday he told me that he knows we get on really well, but doesn't feel over our entire relationship (the last 6 years) that we've ever had a great time, and if it hasn't happened yet then it never will.
Have you talked to your DB coach since you moved back home? That's a pretty big step/change in your relationship that might require some more fine-tuning of your DB'ing.
Just keep reminding yourself about no expectations, and remember that you can't control any of H's expectations, you can only control your actions and reactions.
Does your brother know about your situation? Can you maybe bring a supportive friend along to the wedding? Can you schedule your own holiday in June? Keep us posted!
Hi Vera, thanks for the post - had a look at your sitch and I can definitely see similarities, though you are doing so much better than I ever did!
Feeling pretty foolish today. Especially when I look back at the start of this post. I came back to my house last night. I really wanted to stick it out but he began losing his temper and hitting the walls - didn't want to be around that.
He was crying when I left. Said he didn't want to do this to me again, but the thought of me being with someone else doesnt upset him the way it should. What have I learnt: it is so easy to slide backwards once you start making headway. I moved back way to soon and with no discussion between us about what would be different. I feel that the damage is now perhaps irrevocable - its just emphasised to him that I'm really not what he wants.
Had a DB session with Chuck. He agrees with my assessment we moved far too quickly, but still thinks H is far from knowing what he wants, classic example him re writing history about our relationship. And also when I agreed to leave (due to his hitting the walls, I just said i didn't realise it was causing him so much distress), he strait away started saying i didnt have to leave straight away. So, I'm down, but not yet out - its just back to the drawing board. Most importantly: I've learnt a great deal from this experience and so from that point of view it has not been wasted.
Was going to change my thread but thought actually I'd stick with it to remind me of the perils of moving way too fast.
H just came round to bring some stuff I'd forgotten in my haste yesterday. I'd finally cleared my bedroom out and got it looking good, he gave me a hand to move my bed. He then stood for a while stroking my hair before giving me a massive hug and not letting go. What have I learnt? NOT TO READ INTO ANYTHING. Was quite nice though.
He's still going on the holiday in June with his parents, kind of hurt but I don't know why I thought he wouldn't. I just said I knew they'd have a lovely time. Will have to try and plan my own holiday!
Posting on here to stop my contacting H. His birthday is next month, and as a surprise I'd booked him a helicopter flight as he's always wanted to go on one. The details arrived today, so feeling a bit low.
Something I don't get - h no longer has contact with any of the friends that were friends when we were together, and doesn't really seem to do anything any more - he used to run, and rock climb, and play football. Has anyone else found this?
