My DB coach recommended not talking about the R at all. H only wanted to talk about it in terms of logistics for the D. Right after the bomb I was reeling and said we needed to figure out a timeline to sell the house, etc. Two days later I backed off and said it felt too rushed (he'd brought a pen and paper to that meeting to write down the proposed timeline). The next talk (the one I mentioned above), he was asking if, by me not agreeing to the D, I was going to make it "difficult" or "complicated." I said that was not my intention.
Whenever he tries to bring up something D-related, I usually give a short answer and change the subject to something else (that was hard at first because I'm kind of a slow thinker on my feet but it's gotten easier as I keep myself busier).
H is a planner by nature. He got thrown off when I felt like I didn't know what I wanted for the future anymore because we'd had a plan, and then we no longer had a plan. His new plan is D. Sometimes it feels kind of impossible to derail that plan. (That said we already have plans to do at least 3 things together in June. Why would he bother making together plans if his plan is to D?)
Hi V, sounds like you are making some good steps with the DB and creating a better environment between you and your H.
How do you feel about your 180s? Do they feel like they are becoming part of you or do they feel more like tactics? No right or wrong answer, just a way to evaluate.
Since you're a cook, got any good blue cheese topping recipes for steak? I'm cooking for mothers day.....
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Thanks ces. I am definitely doing the 180's for myself. I think I mentioned above that I had actually been doing some of them pre-bomb, once I got my health back in line. I feel like I've been able to reconnect a lot with the me that I remember liking 10 or so years ago (before the illness) that other people seemed to like, too! I can't lie and say that I hadn't wondered if any of them would make H think differently but these are for me. Even my IC commented recently that I seemed "lighter."
Unfortunately for you, I am not a fan of blue cheese, so I don't have anything helpful to offer on that front, sorry!
First I can't imagine what you must have gone through having an illness like that. Really glad your health is getting sorted. It sounds like you're really taking care of yourself with the running and yoga. Good job!
I think you are doing all the right things. Like the others have said I wish I'd found this board the same day I had my change of heart before I acted like the mayor of crazy town.
I know what it means to be a planner. I had researched all about divorce and timelines etc. Before we can D, he has to sort out a visa to allow him to stay in the country we live. I know he's started paperwork on that and was eligible to apply 1 April. Since I had that Change of Heart neither one of us has brought up that visa or filing for divorce. I'm just leaving it. That's what you should do. Don't initiate any convo about it. If he (of my H) brings it up then we shouldn't try to block or stop it but I'm not trying to fast track that! When you're a planner anything to plan will fill that need. Let him start planning something else and you'll be fine!
Keep us updated. I have a lot of hope for your sitch!
Thanks, Brit. Just trying to take things day by day.
"Mayor of Crazytown" - ain't that the truth!
I am definitely leaving things (even though it kind of irritates me to not be in on whatever the "plan" is - plans are my security blanket, too) and not bringing up or questioning where he is in the process. A few days post bomb, when I was still trying to cling to my logistics security blanket, and we had a R/D talk, he looked like he'd gotten slapped in the face when I mentioned how much a D could cost, and said "can't we do this without lawyers?" Uh, I can't tell you what to do, buddy. He really did not seem have any clue at that point what the D process would involve (other than selling the house and being D'd) so I feel like that was kind of a point on the side of hopefulness that led me to the DB process.
Anyway, my plan for the weekend is to finalize a plan for a short, near-future solo trip to an out-of-country, tropical island destination. Total GAL/180 for me (I never do anything by myself unless it's going somewhere in the tri-state area, never been out of the country by myself, etc.). I just have to get up the guts to do it! Eek!
Today I'm struggling a little bit to keep my frame of mind on us as flirty friends. H is extending a work trip to a new city to do some sightseeing. When M was going well, I probably would have tagged along. When he first told me about the trip, I inwardly bristled.* But, would I be mad that a friend is going to a new place? No, I'd say how cool it was and be genuinely happy and excited for them.
Today in the mail came an invitation for what can only be his best friend's engagement party. It was only addressed to H. That kind of hurt. But would I be mad if we were just friends and he got an envelope addressed just to him? No. Will I be mad if my friend doesn't invite me to the party? No.
I did get a nice, chipper email from H this morning, also asking about how my weekend was looking. I responded in an equally chipper manner (I think). Feeling under the weather (everyone at work is sick) so I'm going to get some rest and not be disappointed if I don't get a relpy to my email for awhile.
* - Part of what got me on this was that he has now twice talked about some travel plans he has to X or Y, and I say, what trip to X or Y, and he's like, oh, I didn't tell you about X or Y??? No, because you're not talking to me about that stuff. Sigh.
Thanks, Brit. It would be easier if it were easy to do, if you know what I mean.
H returned from his long work trip yesterday. He had texted a bunch while he was gone and sent some pictures from there of funny things, and we kept our normal emailing funny things back and forth routine (Good). We still hadn't really talked on the phone since before the bomb (Not great). Well, right before his return flight, he called (Great). He was kind of asking about a family member who had come through town but also a little bit chatty about the flight (Okay?).
He got home fairly late, while I was getting ready for bed and came right up to the bathroom as I was drying my hair (Good?). He looked like a wreck, wasn't feeling well (Not good). He stayed in the room and chatted a bit about the flight and the trip (Good). He ran downstairs to get me a small present (Great - he used to do this all the time but had stopped awhile back - first one of these in awhile). I thanked him but tried not to be overly enthusiastic (Good, I think). He plopped down on what was his side of the bed in the bedroom and chatted more about the trip while I was getting my stuff together for work (Great?). He was going to stay up later than me (time change) and asked about food, so I pointed out some leftovers in the fridge for him (Neutral). Some jokes were exchanged (Good). He mentioned having received the friend's engagement party invitation (that left me off the address label). I said something like "oh yeah?" and left it at that. He didn't indicate that he would like me to go or anything so I just listened to what he had to say and then went on with other things (DB Good, I think). I went to bed.
Today we texted and chatted online a little more than usual (Good). He accidentally called me in the morning ("hit the wrong speed dial"). He called again later about something far out on the calendar that we'd both talked about doing in general terms (Really?). That second time he called I made a joke about the first time he called and we had a good laugh (Good).
He offered to drive to the grocery store after work, and I accepted (Good). Had some good chats (Good). On the way home he said "Just so you know, I'm not renewing my life insurance policy at the full amount." (OBVIOUSLY NOT GOOD.). I acknowledged it then tried to brush it off with a joke and changed the subject (DB Good). I made dinner, which he said was really good (Good). Then I made cookies, which he claimed prevented him from going to bed early (because he would have to eat some) (Good?).
So, positives on the little stuff, but an F on the one matter pertaining to our intertwined financial life. It's not a huge deal, just life insurance, not like he said "I got a realtor for the house" or anything but it was still a little dagger. I guess it's timely since it had to be renewed either way this week, but still. Grr.
I'm having a hard time between the idea of not agreeing to do everything together that he suggests and being the flirty friend who's up for whatever. I guess it's more of me needing to have extra GAL activities already planned that don't include him so I have a reason to decline some of his suggestions. I need a personal assistant to get my social life in order
Well, 1 step forward, 100 steps back. H informed me ("Just so you know...") while we were making dinner tonight that he has an appointment tomorrow to meet with an attorney. Apparently he tried to contact the county to see if he could get "the standard forms" and was told there aren't any, so he needs an attorney. Then went on to talk about normal stuff. He's now been cleaning the kitchen for at least 20 minutes. Guilt? I don't know. All I could think about during dinner was how we're going to have to split up all of the kitchen stuff. Ugh.
Going to call tomorrow to make another coaching appointment. I need the pick-me-up.
