How is it that we try to pick someone who is the exact opposite of whatever nightmare we're trying to avoid and they keep ending up being the poster child?
Ahhh....that's the challenge, isn't it? To get to the root of why we keep recreating our childhood traumas and such.....and learning not to get sucked into new relationships that do the same thing.
One of the books I read talked about that. It says that when we are children, we're all "abused" in one way or another. In some cases minor, in some cases major, but no parents are perfect and they act from their own weaknesses. (I realize I'm using the term "abuse" loosely here)
Given the abuse we receive, we learn how to cope, and become experts at it. Coping with that abuse over time feels "normal" to us.
Therefore, when we're dating, people who stand to abuse us in familiar ways make us feel normal, and make us feel ourselves. That's why we seek these patterns.
If you were raised by disengaged parents, and find a partner who dotes on you, you won't know what to do with that, you won't feel you deserved it, and it will make you feel uneasy. Instead, you'll look for someone who is also going to mildly neglect you and make you work for their affections, because that's what feels right. Doing that work is what makes you value the affection you receive.
I think it takes a huge amount of inner growth to really be able to get into a long term relationship with someone who does not treat you the way you expect to be treated. It won't feel right initially, and that makes it hard to feel in love.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Wasn't trying to admonish you in any way. I too was a repeat customer (same S.)
We get comfortable, we let the good feelings take over, we get lazy, we forget to do what we know works.
One of the things that one of my friends from here and I have talked about is how many people seem to come back for that very reason (whether it is a new R or a reconciled one.)
Kinda like when we diet, lose a bunch of weight, feel home free and start back with the sweets and junk food...
Everything requires effort to maintain...
Anyway...
Hope you are doing well.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Accuray, I've been reading Pia Mellody again. More of the old tools I had dropped. It's interesting that you mention how doing things differently, even if in a healthier way, can feel less like what we think of as love.
That's one reason I have more hope for this R. Many aspects were healthier and the feelings were unfamiliar. It's disconcerting, but I embrace it. The down side is that P doesn't see it that way and seems more stuck in the disconcerting place.
I'm keeping busy with my GAL program, mainly focusing on exercising and eating right. Hoping for a bike ride today.
I'm trying to keep moving forward and making progress on dealing with my stuff. Today is garbage day, so that's one opportunity to make a dent. The theory is slow and steady progress, but the reality is that I work in spurts and do best with a deadline. I think it would be helpful if I pick a date (okay, May 3rd) as a deadline for the next phase of major visible progress. Which will be... Okay, rearrange the living room and set up a desk for myself.
Starting tomorrow, I'll be working for about 8 days in a row, on the road for part of that, so my posting will be minimal.
P is sending brief emails, maybe every other day, letting me know what she's up to, asking how I am and how the cats are. I respond cheerfully and genuinely and keep it short. Okay, could be shorter...
The hardest time for me was right before she left. The moment she drove away with the van full of her stuff, I had detachment. When she came back a few days later to switch vehicles, it took a couple hours, but there was plenty of warmth while the detachment stayed. It wore thin after a few days, but at least I knew what I was aiming for.
Hi SD, Thank you for sharing your story. I am fairly new to the boards and am learning a great deal from everyone else's stories. It also gives me hope to see you and others exhibit such strength in the midst of difficult times.
If you have a chance after your long work stint, can you share a few of your thoughts on Pia Mellody's books? I was thinking of ordering one.
Wishing you all the best.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I'm a huge fan of Pia. I think Facing Codependence is the best book to start with. They definitely go in order. There was a time when I was listening to a set of her tapes over and over while I was chopping dried fruits for hours (I think it was about co-addicted relationships). Always a bracing and inspirational kick in the arse. Her voice would come to me with key instructions at key moments: "Who she is is none of your business!"
Actually, a friend just loaned me an old Walkman so I could listen to those tapes again. It's time for a refresher.
Cat, it took me some time to decide to come back on the boards, and with the same screen name. It's embarrassing to be in this spot again.
My initial threads were called, "Slow, but not stupid". So the obvious title for the new series was, "Wow, I really am stupid!" I mean, really, I should have known better. I do have to give myself some credit for doing some things better, but yeesh, to be in this same spot again... Kinda Groundhog Day, ya know?
I will definitely read it.