Retrouvaille Bound!!! (time for a new thread! )

[jlove]

Is this a hyper-religious event? I would consider seeing if my w would go - though I question if she would. There is one in my city, but it is after the date for my D. We both believe in God, but we are miles from being Catholic. We go to a very accepting non-dom church.

I hear great things about this event - and I would be open to going if my wife would be. Just don't know if she would or not. Sometimes if she is confronted or challenged she gets uncomfortable and will flee or fold.

Crimson

It's Catholic and Christian, but will be whatever the couple puts into it IMO.

[jlove]

I checked the website and asked for additional info from the folks in my area. Very interested.

So for ANYONE that has been to one of these, what do they ask you to do over the weekend? Is it lectures? Group work? Counseling couple to couple work? Is it emotionally draining? Do fights break out? Are there forced interactions?

As noted, there is one in my city - but about 2 months after our divorce date. I guess the upside there is that there would be no pressure to "save" the marriage per se. I would like to ask my wife to attend (well, ex-wife, as it were) but not sure how she would react to the invite OR the weekend.

She is introverted in a lot of respects and probably wouldn't feel comfortable spilling her guts to a lot of strangers that she has no trust in. But what I hear about this event is so overwhelmingly positive it is worth a try.

Any insight would be great.

Crimson

My W is shy but took it all in, but was moved many times. She didn't want to go, but if you can get your Spouse there, it can be very helpful fro what I've seen!

[jlove]

Also, your W will not spill her guts to the group UNLESS she chose too, no worries there. It is a group event with many 1 on 1 couples breakouts throughout to discuss in the privacy of your room.

[Crimson]

Jlove - where was your wife mentally and emotionally with your marriage prior to going to the event? Had she waived the white flag completely? Or had she made any indication that she would be willing to work on it?

I look at your info in your sig and it doesn't appear she ever filed or retained a lawyer - my w has done both. Which is fine, I still will fight for the marriage - I just don't know how badly marriages are defunct or on life support going into the event and how they come out. I mean, are there couples in there starring daggers into each other the first day? Sitting apart?

Sorry to ask so many questions - just curious.

Crimson

[jlove]

Jlove - where was your wife mentally and emotionally with your marriage prior to going to the event? Had she waived the white flag completely? Or had she made any indication that she would be willing to work on it?

I look at your info in your sig and it doesn't appear she ever filed or retained a lawyer - my w has done both. Which is fine, I still will fight for the marriage - I just don't know how badly marriages are defunct or on life support going into the event and how they come out. I mean, are there couples in there starring daggers into each other the first day? Sitting apart?

Sorry to ask so many questions - just curious.

Crimson

She was in a holding pattern and was sort of waiting to see what happened at Retrouvaille. She didn't think it'd help, but I finally got her to agree to go after a huge argument we had.

She hadn't seen Lawyer or made any moves towards that, but had said she wanted to move out. She was just kinda here and going day to day with stuff, but wouldn't ever talk R or show any affection towards me. Not as bad as some.

There were many that were more drastic at the weekend but everyone was much warmer after the weekend was over. Some of the couples we thought wouldn't make it, were loving at the end.

[Truegritter]

J

I am glad you two made progress.

Sadly my W insisted we leave at the end of day two so as I said it weeds out those who aren't ready.

I feel like I should caution you to keep your expectations low. I think you should be encouraged by her apparent change in commitment but this was won in an environment and spirit of support and healing very different from your daily life.

You have to remain commited to piecing the marriage back together and don't get discouraged if she pulls back.

It may take her longer...than just a weekend is my point.

Don't pressure her. Remember what has gotten you here. Remember your DBing.

Crimson- I went when I was very much separated from the church ( I was raised Catholic) and i was very concerned it was going to be a Bible thumping party.

It was not at all.

There was a priest there but he was not there do give spiritual guidance he was there as a witness to his own failed relationship to his vows as a priest. He was a recovering alcoholic. Very interesting as it related to anyone putting on a mask in a marriage and disquising and hiding themsleves from their true commitment.

I think it is a very powerful program, it difuses conflict and helps couples communicate in a safe and non threatening manner.

J I think the follow on sessions will be very important for you to attend as well.

Keep your courage and your eye on the prize. This is a positive step I think but one of many down a path hopefully to your goal.

[Crimson]

Thanks, TG. If you don't mind me asking, what was it that drove your W away from it after day 2? Was it a very negative experience for her? And when you say "not ready" does that mean still kind of emotionally raw. Sorry to pry, just curious.

Crimson

[Crimson]

Sorry - didn't see your reply jlove. Thank you for sharing. Sounds like your wife was starting from a somewhat "better" place than others. Still, congrats man - I hope you keep building on the positive momentum and don't get discouraged if things go up and down. After almost 8 months of being apart, I have realized that I would rather fight FOR my wife than fight WITH her. Ironically, one of those actions kinda lead to the other - but I am taking it as a lesson learned.

I still think it is a little early to introduce this topic to my W, but I would like to be in a place where we could eventually.

Crimson

[Truegritter]

If you don't mind me asking, what was it that drove your W away from it after day 2?

The realization that she had a responsibility to the marriage that she was unwilling to shoulder.

She just wasn't willing or able at that time to pick up her load and carry it.

I think that it is very challenging for someone who has convinced themselves that their spouse is the reason the marriage is failing and the reason that they are unhappy.

Accepting your own part in what is happening is difficult and is what we try to get people to do when they get here.

looking in the mirror is tough when you don't like what you see.

it is esier to deny that it is there. That is why I think the program is good because it forces that issue.

The right outcome emerges. It might not be what you want in that your spouse is still running away but you do get a bit of clarity.

Until your partner does that and has the courage, as you have had, to endeavor to change and be responsible for their own actions and choices...

then you are in for more of the same that brought you here.

[jlove]

If you don't mind me asking, what was it that drove your W away from it after day 2?

The realization that she had a responsibility to the marriage that she was unwilling to shoulder.

She just wasn't willing or able at that time to pick up her load and carry it.

I think that it is very challenging for someone who has convinced themselves that their spouse is the reason the marriage is failing and the reason that they are unhappy.

Accepting your own part in what is happening is difficult and is what we try to get people to do when they get here.

looking in the mirror is tough when you don't like what you see.

it is esier to deny that it is there. That is why I think the program is good because it forces that issue.

The right outcome emerges. It might not be what you want in that your spouse is still running away but you do get a bit of clarity.

Until your partner does that and has the courage, as you have had, to endeavor to change and be responsible for their own actions and choices...

then you are in for more of the same that brought you here.

That is exactly where she broke down! She realized that she hadn't been "doing anything but just being here." she realized that she had to take her part in our R. She said she couldn't breathe and was having a hard time dealing with it, but knew that she had to. I think that was the beginning of the turning point for her. I pray that she keeps feeling and so far she has. Day by day we are taking it.