Wife wants out

[totallydevoted]

It's so hard to see W so happy most of the time. She has the girls most of the time, if not all the time and I know that helps her tremendously...I see them as much as I can...and living in this 1-bed apt, there's no room for any prolonged visits.

Things will open up a bit for me next month since we've decided to stop paying on mortgage while the short sale goes through. So, I should have more "mad-money" to do more things outside the home with them. However, I'll need to stash some money away since my credit is going to take a hit, to get out of this place when my lease is up...Oct 31st.

Part of my frustration with her is the thought that she doesn't put me ahead of everything else. I feel 3rd on the totem...children, her family...and then maybe, me. I guess that's my own insecurity, who knows...something I need to work on...my self confidence. I've had this feeling for quite a long time...maybe that feeling has driven us apart. She doesn't know how to approach me when I get down and distant when I'm thinking that...and that just makes me feel worse, as if she cares even less. A nice little dance we have...this trying to distance myself just keeps scaring me that she'll feel so much better about us being apart. I just wish I could get that twinkle in her eye back.

My God, can we get these posts approved sooner?

[dbmod]

^

[totallydevoted]

Yay...my posts are finally here. :-)

Had our showing today and the couple LOVED it. They said that they wanted to come back with a builder to measure for some remodeling, sounds promising. this will help with my credit but it will still take a hit.

Spoke with my W about all this...stayed very upbeat and we talked for about 20 minutes...we laughed and joked about things, felt great. No talk of R...just chatting. Even if offer comes through...it may take up to 3 months to close for bank to approve sale...this gives me more time to work on myself. My fear is the quicker the house sells, the less time my wife will have to "miss" me...and will move to mediator quicker. Can't dwell on that, just have to keep moving forward.

Anyone out there? :-)

[totallydevoted]

Bought DR today...coming in 3 days, can't wait to dig into it.

[totallydevoted]

I took D14 to the movies today with her cousin, my nephew. we had a good time. Took her back to the house and W and I were having a real nice conversation about nothing...just chatting again. We spoke for about 30 minutes, she made me dinner and we talked while I ate it. She really was making dinner for everyone and I happened to be there. ;-)

She then mentioned the mediator (with no talk of R at all) and how she really wanted to start moving on that...it crushed me. I was really hoping that she would give us more time. But she said that she hated how we were in limbo and needed to get things organized in her life. Really matter of factly...very cordial and nice...so it really appears that her wounds are just way too deep to heal. I took it all in stride and stayed positive, while dying inside...it's just seems too hopeless. I told her I still had hope and she said, "okay, but I don't." She even recommended me finding someone else...she has really checked out completely. I shouldn't be surprised though...she just thinks that we are not good for each other anymore and there's nothing else to do.

It's time to go completely dark (LRT) but I'm just trying to come to grips with it being over, no chance in h3!! anymore and it hurts real bad. I cannot believe that we ended up like this...we used to be so much in love and so crazy about each other...and we have such a beautiful family. She said that she's happier without me in the house, that she can finally feel relaxed and secure without the threat of me making her feel awful. She's not missing me at all and in her mind it's done...no hope.

Anyone out there to give me any kind of hope...any Vets that have been here and yet still succeeded in R. I keep reading things that even with WAW not wanting to try anything, that there could still be hope. I just can't get over the feeling that this is all a huge mistake and our lives are going to fall apart not being together...could just be me feeling that about myself...who knows...only time will tell I guess.

[workinghardguy]

Besides DR I'd also suggest reading "How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It". However, despite the title, understand going in that you're not going to be able to use many of the theories and strategies. Those are for people not in our sitches. However the insight and thoughts are invaluable.

They will help you understand your W and understand yourself. Also, should you ever get to the point of recon, they will help you then.

[totallydevoted]

It also appears that W may be going through MLC, not sure. We began dating when she was just about 18...now turning 40 this year. Seems she feels that she never had a chance to be herself and why not do it now since she feels miserable and still young enough to still be attractive and vibrant to find another. Still not 100% sure there isn't OP now but just don't get that feeling...have always trusted her in that regard.

The fact that she suggested for me to find another seems to be the final nail in the coffin...as if she just could care less about us at all. This is so hard since we've both spent more than half our lives together...I can't think of being with anyone else except her. Has anyone invented a time machine yet? I need to go back and fix this...I just KNOW we are meant to grow old together...either that so I can fast forward to the time where the pain has subsided, I'm so miserable but trying real hard to come to grips. Darnit! How could I have let this happen to my beautiful family?!!!

[antioch]

Hang in there, TD. It sounds so similar to my situation with H and unfortunately I don't have good advice --- I don't know what will happen with us either. H also seems mentally checked out, shut down, and withdrawn. He's depressed and struggling and I want to be there for him, but he doesn't want me. I have to give him space.

How are things going with GAL? I'm thinking of doing some small home improvement projects but I don't know if that will be perceived as needy?

[workinghardguy]

She very well be in an MLC... unfortunately that doesn't change much for you. Your W sounds a lot like mine, and I'm pretty convinced mine in having an MLC. Again though, doesn't change a whole heck of a lot.

Understand that some/much of this is WAS/MLC script. My W said the exact same thing to me. One time while we were discussing the D/S and I became upset my W told me, "don't worry, you'll find someone else." Well that's great... I don't really want somebody else.

But it is script. It's meant to create distance between her and you, her and the family unit. There is no "final nail in the coffin" until either a) you decide you've had enough and you're done or b) she marries someone else.

You're also in the stage where you take all the blame and heap it upon yourself. This will pass. You both got here, together. You both made mistakes and have fault. Don't heap it all on yourself and don't carry her faults as yours.

[totallydevoted]

Thanks working...even though we may sign papers I still just have that feeling we will end up together somehow. It could just be hope and I'm being irrational but my gut just feels it. she seems so cold and non-chalant when she talks about us, I guess that's to be expected since she's trying to distance herself from us and to be strong for the girls. Like you say, part of the script.

We are just still really good together...she just cannot trust me in the trying times...when she really needs me emotionally. This is what I am really working on...connecting with people on a more basic emotional level...everything else doesn't matter. In fact, one of my 180's is to really be a kind, gentle, listening friend to her when we are together. I think it confuses her a bit, but also makes her feel good; and part of me thinks that she's panicking a little with the mediator rush. In her mind she just knows that if she has any doubts of a D then she'll leave it open for us to get back together (because I know she still loves me...and our passion together is very genuine) than she will just end up hurt again; and she can't go through that. It's going to take some serious time for me to prove to her that I truly want and will nurture that emotional connection with her...and we may have to D to do it. a horrible feeling but the D just may save our R in the long run...God, I can only hope. And I can only hope that she doesn't find someone else in the meantime...because like you, I don't want anyone else. I only want her...but I guess if she does enter into another committed R than the writing would be on the wall then. however...until she has another ring on her finger...you're right...there is no final nail...and I will never give up hope.