Apologies beforehand for the lengthy narrative…..I have been lurking the last week or so and feel I want to share my story for help/assistance: Married to my beautiful wife (almost) 9 years this June with 3 amazing kids (7, 5, 1.5). About a month ago, my W hit me with the bombshell to which I was completely devastated and shocked! My first response during the next few days was (like most men I assume) trying to solve the problem and suggesting that it was just a phase. Little did I know that it would evolve into much more than a phase…. Her reasoning for ‘ILYBINILWY’ is that I haven’t really changed the last few years and during many of our heated arguments I tend to classically withdraw or paint my W in such a way that I feel she is trying to control me. My inability to change thus far has led her to require less and less of me over time and she just stopped asked for stuff. Stopped asking me to change or do anything. Let me say that I try to be very active around the house, cleaning when necessary, helping with the kids, etc…, so it’s not that. I provide financially and consider myself a pretty active dad. Her needs are more attention, listening, understanding how she feels, and for me to not withdraw during arguments or always solve her problems. Around the same time she said ‘ILYBINILWY’ she also made an ‘emotional connection’ with someone. One seemed to trigger the other. It was one 2-3 hr. conversation and a few emails/texts over the period of 2.5 weeks. After I found out, W told me that the OM listened, was attentive, etc…the things that I had not done the last 2 years. There was no PA. I do not know if this qualifies as an EA or not, but she felt (feels) a connection. I discovered all of this by snooping….she had changed her email/FB passwords and I eventually uncovered everything almost 3 weeks ago. She had scheduled a time to meet with OM on April 1st for 2 hrs. I found out beforehand and confronted her about it and during a heated argument asked that she leave the house, not come back, and that I was done with our relationship. I can’t be sure, but this could have been an awakening of sorts for her. She returned later that night and we talked and she said she would sever communication with the OM, give me her email/FB passwords to reestablish trust, and make an effort to work on the relationship. Since then she’s said (as early as a week ago) that she still thinks about OM (how he’s doing, etc..), even indicated that she was slightly depressed about it, but insists she will not act on it. She tells me that she loves me (almost like she loves our kids), but as of now, is NOT in love with me. I have made all of the classic blunders these last few weeks: snooping, lying about the snooping and getting caught, told her parents about the EA and what was going on (only b/c I didn’t have anyone else to talk to about it), confronting, pleading, I’ve suffocated her with articles, website, books I’m reading, found out the OMs cell/home #, email, home address, etc… and told wife what I know about him, almost every classic blunder, yes, I’ve done them all during this brief period;\ I purchased DB this week and have given her space these last 3-4 days, started yoga yesterday, and have joined this board today in the hopes of getting my wife back! We’ve gone to MC (1 couples session so far, 2 individual for me, and we have couples session scheduled for next week). She doesn’t think the MC sessions will help her feel any different. I had planned on taking her out to dinner after the session and she has agreed. Is it too soon for that if she agreed? I’m so lost and am unsure of what to do at this point. There’s been no contact with the OM in almost two weeks, which I assume is a good thing. Do I continue to ask her about this? Is she thinking about him/EA and not telling me? She said it was more of what he did than anything….She’s NOT A WAW, still wearing our rings, doesn’t want to leave the house, we sleep in the same bed, there’s no real hostility towards one another, but there’s also little conversation. She has an excellent moral code, but made a bad decision during her weakened state….I get that. Rather than husband/wife, we appear to be roommates or friends at this point…. I’m just so confused on how to approach this and would sincerely appreciate any guidance or direction at this point. The last few weeks I did what I thought was appropriate and that has had the opposite effect. She has the ‘I don’t know’ syndrome at the moment when I ask her what she wants. She wants happiness but can’t define it, she doesn’t know if happiness=staying together or separation/divorce. Every question ends in an ‘I don’t know’ answer….She’s suggested that she doesn’t know (at her present state) if staying together for the sake of the kids is enough, but doesn’t want to be the one who breaks up the family. She must be wrestling with so much that it hurts me too. Individual space seems to be working at the moment, but is there such a thing as too much space??? Will she see that as my not wanting to engage her? Is the ILYBINILWY something that can be overcome with time and patience? Is it a decision based on my past inabilities to change, and if so, can she make the decision to love again as she sees positive changes??? I’ve made a number of observable changes that I think she’s noticed but has not said anything, which I expect her not to. I’m just such a different person now (in the way I think, feel, and speak)….the person I think she’s always wanted (and deserved) all along, but is it too late? Am I too late??? She wants to give it a try to see if our marriage can work, but for how long??? How long do I have??? As you can see, I have so much going on in my head right now and would be much obliged for some help
Read DR/DB books that you pruchased. Have you read the 37 rules?
How old are you and your wife?
You are on moderation right now. Please stick to this thread until you get to 100 posts. You posted this same thing 3 times. You need to learn patience. Post in small frequent amounts until you get off of moderation.
My guess is that your wife is still not all in on the marriage. She is being led by her emotions and not by YOU.
I would not believe anything she says and 1/2 of what she does.
Individual space seems to be working at the moment, but is there such a thing as too much space??? Will she see that as my not wanting to engage her? Is the ILYBINILWY something that can be overcome with time and patience? Is it a decision based on my past inabilities to change, and if so, can she make the decision to love again as she sees positive changes??? I’ve made a number of observable changes that I think she’s noticed but has not said anything, which I expect her not to.
IMHO this is not about YOU. This is about HER. But the only person that YOU can CONTROL is YOU. So stop worrying about what you need to do to WIN her back and start making changes for YOU.
Keep giving her space and let her control the contact.
Tim, I share your feeings about the "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore," or something like that syndrome. It's exasperating.
But I don't think it's as confusing as you do. Love is a decision. It's not just a feeling. In order to maintain love over time, you have to decide each morning to do the things that will bring you close to your spouse and stop doing things that push you further away. You need to spend time together. YOu need to listen to each other, talk, make love, show interest in your spouse's life. Love is a decision to do all these things even when you aren't feeling crazy about your spouse. Love is a commitment.
So when one person says, "I don't love you anymore," what s/he is saying is "I don't feel like putting energy into this marriage." "I'm going to focus on all the bad times we've had and that will make me feel distant from you." "If I feel distant and separate from you, I can focus on me and make myself happy." It really is a decision to cut oneself off from positive feelings about the marriage.
If you've had good times together in your marriage, those memories don't just disappear. They live within us. However, sometimes when people burn out in a marriage, they bury those good feelings and memories so deep, it almost seems as if they're not there anymore. People convince themselves that the loving feelings have evaporated. They sometimes even tell themselves that they never loved you in the first place. This allows them to pull away. IT's a rationalization. But it's a rationalization that really hurts when you are the receiver of it.
So I understand your feelings. But you need to remember that whatever you feel in your heart about your marriage is real. Your wife's current perspective is colored by her need to pull away right now. Don't over-react and whatever you do, stop trying to point out to her that she isn't thinking clearly or seeing things accurately. That will only make her more certain she doesn't love you. And I know you don't want that.
Keep DBing and hang in there. Michele
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alby44, She was vulnerable and found it easy to "connect" with OM. Though she is responsible for her own choices, you do see that her vulnerability was partly your fault don't you? The feelings she got from connecting with OM is just a catalyst for the other problems in the MR, but a powerful narcotic, and like a narcotic, she'll experience some withdrawl.
The good thing for you is: she's still confused and balancing her morality with her "needs" and vision of the future. Heck, she's even told you what those needs are ! And you're right she's not a WAW yet. You have opportunity but exercise patience, lots of patience. Where's that guy she fell in love with and married and had three kids with? I assume there was at least some emotional connection back then. Good luck and heed Cadet's words.
The only person you control is YOU.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Sorry you are here....I am in a similar position except my W is not willing to work on the marriage and wants a separation.
As well as the good advise above, its imperative that your dont pressurise her in any way, dont seek reassurance and dont raincheck the R. all the time.
Your W has negative feelings towards you, she wont come back to you until those negative feelings are gone.
Write done all the changes in You that SHE perceives since you got marriaged. Try to rediscover the man she fell in love with.
Also take care of yourself: get fitter, eat healthier, get enough SLEEP, its very important for your mental wellbeing.
Take Care
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Brief update in what may be the torpedoing of my marriage:
W and I talked over the weekend and I pried for information on the OM and feelings. Dummy me....she tells me that she thinks she 'could' love him. After only a few encounters, I'm baffled. So, I respond by saying I thought it best that she move out until she figure things out. Classic fool. Also said to her that I felt that I was done and wanted to move ahead with Divorce (which I absolutely do not). She's still here, but I'm sure these two statements have broken whatever spirit she had to try and work through this.
I feel like whatever progress (however little) has been made, I've now blown it.
I can't seem to gain ground on what it is I'm supposed to do in this situation. I'm going to try and give her as much space as possible at this point and hope that she want to work through this.
Thanks all for the sound advice...much of it is finally beginning to sink it (and none too late I hope).
There's no where to go but up from here (literally and figuratively). Hard to believe that this has only been going on for about a month, but after 3.5 long weeks of the emotional roller coaster that I (and my W) have been on, I think I may have finally stabilized myself....hopefully not too late.
In the beginning, is it always like this when you go through it....are your emotions always in a constant state of flux. Are you hopeful one day, then depressed the next? Yesterday was not a good day, but today starts out as a good one.
My own need for information during the last few weeks has kept this state of flux going, kept my W in an up/down state along with me, and now that I know all there is to know (or so I believe) I think I can finally focus on reconciliation. Whatever damage I've done to this point, I hope (and still believe) there is a part of her that wants to see this work. I hold on to that glimmer of hope.
She is an amazing woman and mother...who's husband has seen the error of his ways.
InAPickle: Thank you for sharing the above info...I'm a believer as well that being 'in love' is a decision and hope that I can help my W decide to love me again
Time and patience are (and must now be) my watchwords.
A quick note in observance of my W's behavior. She's become much more 'in-tune' with music lately....more so now than ever before. I see her watching/listening to Pandora/Youtube lately and am inclined to think that the songs she listens too have deep meaning for her.
Last Friday, she listened to Alan Jackson's 'Remember When' and cried....cried because she didn't know if falling back in love could happen again. I empathized with her on this and suggested that this will take time.
She's also listening to a lot of Jason Mraz lately...I youtubed one of the songs that she was listening to on Pandora yesterday....I Won't Give Up...[b][edited by dbmod: links outside this website are not allowed][/b]. Is this her own way of being committed to working on this? The lyrics speak to me in that way and I wouldn't want to misinterpret.
Had a pleasant distraction today with my wife that helped to take my mind off of things....
Sunny and 78 today where I live and our kids were outside playing after I got home from work...oldest two were playing ball together while my wife and I played with our youngest. Wife and I rocked for a few minutes on our porch swing. We all laughed together and I wasn't thinking about relationship stuff and was more focused on having fun with our kids. I couldn't help but smile on the inside as we felt like a complete family for the first time in 4 weeks.
I await the day where our paths converge on one another.
