Yesterday's counseling session with new counselor was phenomenal! Sooooooo much better than before. I actually left without crying. : )
C did most of the talking. Which is different because my other counselor just sat and listened to me ramble on. He basically told me that H is a co-dependent that needs to be in control and since he cannot fix his family's condition he feels like a failure. He takes what is closest to him (me) and places the blame on me and makes me the source of all the problem. He pushes me away and fears his emotions so he runs.
C and I both agreed that H is living in a fantasy world, not a real world and that people with emotional problems like his do not live in the real world. That is why whenever H would have ideas or plans and I would question the "what ifs" or "buts" H would say I was being negative when in reality I was just exploring the options. He is in what C called an "enmeshed co-dependent pattern".
We also agreed that if we split I will actually be more able to cope with reality than H because I am coming to terms with everything now and I have a good support system. H is just running and imagining an ideal scenario in which everything will be perfect. C also noted that H wdoesn't want to be married to me, but yet doesn't want me too far away. Reality is going to bite him hard when H realizes he will lose that control. C also thinks H is jealous and resentful of because I didn't grow up in a dysfunctional environment.
C thinks I should be more verbal with H and speak the truth in love. Tell H his behavior is destructive, in a non-attacking, non-blaming way, but don't expect change. I am not sure how I can word this in such a way that H will not take offense to it. I want it to sink in, but he has the wall up high not only to me, but to everyone.
Any thoughts? Suggestions??
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
"C thinks I should be more verbal with H and speak the truth in love. Tell H his behavior is destructive, in a non-attacking, non-blaming way, but don't expect change. I am not sure how I can word this in such a way that H will not take offense to it. I want it to sink in, but he has the wall up high not only to me, but to everyone."
Well if this is something that is new and different and the outcome you expect is what you want, then why not try it? Be careful with the expectations and potential for disappointment.
And this may be something where timing is important. In other words, don't just blurt it out at the first opportunity. Wait for the right moment and give it a go. Think about what you want to say and how you want to say it ahead of time. Practice the delivery and see where it leads.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Thanks, 2thepoint. I don't really have anything to lose, since he has filed already and says he is done. He wants us to stay close friends, so I guess I can talk to him as a "friend" and let him know I am concerned about his welfare. I need to be careful that I don't blame or shame him. I thought that when I talk to him would be a good time to bring up what Leni told me to tell him. "I don't think divorce is the answer, but I love you enough to let you go, if that is what you really want."
I also thought about writing a letter since I can maintain my cool better in the written form. I have always loved to write. Since the bomb I have started keeping a journal, writing poems and thoughts down and it is very therapeutic. That way, as well, he can have the letter to re-read and hold onto. He cannot change what I have said because it is in black and white. He cannot re-create history.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Yes, Leni is my DB coach. She told me to tell him that I don't think divorce is the answer but I am willing to let you go if that is what you want.
I don't want to convey the message that I am trying to hang on to him, but that I want what is best for him and for me as well. I was looking at him last night while he was sleeping and I almost felt sorry for him. But I am not his mother. I cannot protect him.
Honestly the more I dig, the more skeletons I find. This lies much, much deeper than I ever expected. In some ways I think it would be better for me to just call it a day and move on. This dysfunction lies deep and is not going away. I have to protect myself and my kids from getting too wounded from the flying schrapnel.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I think you have a good plan of action from your counselor and DB Coach. I agree 2TP that you should know exactly what you want to say and how you want to say it beforehand. Keep us posted!
Originally Posted By: wishing, hoping
That is why whenever H would have ideas or plans and I would question the "what ifs" or "buts" H would say I was being negative when in reality I was just exploring the options.
This hit a nerve with me. Pick any day out of my M, and this could be my H and I. Not sure if your counselor's assessment would go along with my sitch, but I'd like to explore it a little bit more for myself. Going to post it on my own thread with my thoughts.
H makes "emotionally reactive based decisions" whereas I make my decisions on logic and reason. Hence he bomb "I just don't have those feelings for you anymore. I want a divorce." He is reacting on the moment and not considering how the actions of the moment will affect the outcome of the future. This has been so evident throughout our relationship. It has always been the one thing that drives me crazy!!
Yes, I need to think about how to approach this conversation. I may conoodle it for a while and post here for thoughts.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
H makes "emotionally reactive based decisions" whereas I make my decisions on logic and reason. Hence he bomb "I just don't have those feelings for you anymore. I want a divorce." He is reacting on the moment and not considering how the actions of the moment will affect the outcome of the future. This has been so evident throughout our relationship. It has always been the one thing that drives me crazy!!
Yes! My H always says I see things in black and white, and I expect other people to be the same way. He's right in a way, and I've been working on it. But I did have to tell him that sometimes planning can be good and very needed.
I would be careful about relaying the IC's diagnosis to H. In my experience, it's easy to have selective hearing -- you hear what the IC says and relay that into things the IC didn't say that you believe to be the case.
Also, the IC is giving you a diagnosis by proxy, he or she hasn't actually talked to H and that is also dangerous.
I'm not saying to disregard the advice IC gave you, just weigh it along with your DB coach's advice and your own knowledge of H.
I went to 2 separate IC's and one MC, and they all evaluated W differently. There's no hard science in the therapy world, there are a number of strong theories that seem to fit, but behavior is SOOOO complicated, it's a very difficult area.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
