the path is the goal...

[zig]

i feel kind of sick to my stomach right now - calm but that nevertheless.

there's a pattern and i saw it a few months ago, and then it stopped and now it's started again

h is really nice - friendly really great and seemingly connecting - right before he pulls something on me

in the first weeks, we'd sleep together (happened 3 times) and then the next day he'd give me a little bomb - i'm going out of town to see ow, can you take care of son, i found a house to rent ,

this time, he just spent 2 really really great days with us and then dropped this little bomb.

what's making me slightly more sick this time - his mom did the same thing - was being really nice to me while behind the scenes this whole thing was going on.

when stuff like this happens, i want to run far away - but i know i can't.

i'm going to go meditate - i have to get myself out of this chaos - when will i learn that this is always how h functions, and when will i learn to just not care and be indifferent to all the crazy stuff

i made a point this evening - he didn't call back to let me know when he was getting s or to ask how he was doing, so finally i called and asked . he said he was waiting for me to call, and i just replied well, can't you make the effort sometimes - he replied that he really didn't think about it. i said fine when can u pick him up and he said right away. before i got off the phone he started saying it wasn't really a big deal was it that he hadn't called. i said it was ok, but i think i got my point across - he was uncomfortable when he got here- assuming that i was actually very angry about what he told me this morning - i made a point to be friendly and relaxed and casual.

aaargh - is this a bad development?

[~ kd ~]

I'm a little disappointed... when you said they were going to be long posts... I thought you meant looooooonnggg.....

I am not going to get into any of the details of your posts, because I am not sure that the devil is in the details in this...

What your H does from this point forward is up to him. No matter where he lived, it has always been that case... and so it always will be... even if he still was living with you...

In the end, the really question is...

Does your H having a house going to affect your direction moving forward?

Will you continue to grow and become an even better woman that only a fool would leave?

[zig]

I am not going to get into any of the details of your posts, because I am not sure that the devil is in the details in this...

[censored], KD

to read this sentence soon after i woke up - you have no idea how it hit me

i'm spinning right now - i think i see something going on here that is way beyond what i thought it was

i'm starting to get scared

mil is having in a nervous breakdown - and this morning i realized, that she chooses to have a nervous breakdown that she is hiding, rather than do the simple thing of just telling fil that she doesn't want to participate in s's choices

as i woke up this morning i realized that after the accidents, i also went into some sort of emotional shut down - rather than deal with h's way of treating me.

there has been some really screwed up stuff going on here - since the sitch started mil and i have been talking sometimes for hours everyday - i thought she was supporting me - but when i look back i think i am beginning to realize that something else was going on. i'm not sure exactly what - but it started to feel quite screwed up and so i started to pull back

history: h's grandfather on his father's side - his first wife (fill's father) committed suicide in a pretty violent way when they were young. all the year''s we were married, i felt really really strongly that i knew EXACTLY WHY she did it - i felt driven to the edge all the time. i saw in h's grandfather this same cold callous disconnected thing going on as well as in his father. h himself, did it in a more subtle way.

i used to scream at h sometimes, - i know exactly why she did this. then eventually i shut down

his grandfather went on to marry 3 more times - each wife a little more dysfunctional than the last - and the last one being my age, alcoholic and substance abuser.

suddenly yesterday - i started to realize that oh my god, i have got to get myself OUT of this situation - there is something really really mad about a father buying a house for his son while his son is doing what he is doing. and for the mother to be sobbing helplessly and falling apart, and then going home and sending me a perfectly "normal" text message saying "got to play hostess for the next few days" (her cousins just came to visit)

i think h and his father need serious help - i think there's some kind of narcissistic thing going on - i don't even know how to spell that - more than that, i think mil and i need serious help.

i've always worried about s and that family - and what he is learning from them. and i'm thinking now i need to find a way to get this influence away from him.

h's sister is having an affair with a woman who's married with a 6 yr old and even though his parents can't stand it, they are letting sis bring the woman and child for mil's parents 70th wedding anniversary

if you could see how h sits there acting all cool and so with it - but there's all this behind the scenes manipulation going on. i believe that him wanting to go to therapy is actually to make sure that we :get along" well so i won't leave and move to another place - i've hinted at it several times

i believe i may be done DB'ing - i'm not imagining all this stuff. in fact i can't even really put it into words yet - i think i'm only starting to realize what may have been going on - and i'm still screwed up from everything to really see it all

i was this really well-known artist with an impressive portfolio for just starting out. i was so driven with my work - within 3 yrs of getting back to work after s was born (took 2 yrs off) i was a complete mess, granted the accidents helped. but some of the stuff that happened was insane and i couldn't really face how nutty things were - in fact he so consistently told me it was me entirely responsible, that i really began to believe him.
interestingly his mom is this really successful businesswoman who runs a company, but i'm starting to see that in her personal life she is an ineffectual mess that she hides super well. instead she just gets cancer every 2 or 3 years

i'm always finding excuses for him - even now - and that, i am beginning to see is messed up

i'm not going to act on this yet - i need to talk to IC , i need to get the right kind of help. one of the most insidious things he has done - is tell me continuously how i can't do anything -he still says it every chance he gets

i'm not really sure where i am this morning - and how to really deal with this. but i'm just going to try and have a calm day - i get s from school at 1 pm and we're having a little potluck at our house saturday and i'm just going to focus on normalizing as much as i can

i feel like i'm starting to remember the real stuff from the first years

so if you're seeing the devil here - [censored] [censored] [censored]

[labug]

I haven't even read your whole post.

Please zig, let these people do what they will do. You concentrate on you and your son. Have no contact with any of them (H only about S) until you feel ready to do so.

Read KD's post again.

Don't let these other people control you or your choices.

[cat04]

Zig,

I just finished reading this thread as I was asked to check in on you.

I want to read your first thread before I say much more...

So for now, I'm just going to say hi and offer hugs.

Cat

[zig]

that's exactly what i want to do - labug

i've realized that ever since this sitch started, i have expected h to leave me alone - completely expected that and he has literally hounded me. i was still caught up in the web, but now i feel as if i am waking up

i am relieved that he is getting a more permanent house - deep deep down, every time there has been a hint of maybe he wants to come back, i realize now, that i actually started getting anxious, and now i am beginning to see why.

it's taken watching mil doing what she is doing for me to see the real truth of the messed up dynamics here -

after i posted i left a message at the IC's office asking if i could have an appointment today - maybe i'll get lucky and there's a cancellation

i'm not going to do anything or say anything. i do know that this weekend since cousins are in town - who s really adores, - it will come up at the last minute that we should go over and hang out there- i didn't know until yesterday that they were here, and even though usually plans are set in advance, i think mil is in such a state that she didn't even think of telling me.

i have already filled up the weekend for s and me, in an attempt to GAL and so will have to face h's reaction when i say no we won't be there - it will be a first for him - he's depending on me being FULLY co-operative in continuing all these things that make him really comfortable - how convenient for him that i have been doing it so well until now and with a smile on my face - just like his mom

thanks for your calm words labug- and yes kd's message is clear to me, as is yours - all i'm thinking about is how to just keep moving forward , completely independent of h and his family - it is at the forefront of my mind.

zig

[zig]

thanks cat04 - are you guys all like looking out for me here?

i can't tell you how much i appreciate and need all of your support. i look forward to hearing from you

i know that thank you isn't enough, but thank you

zig

[NLW]

i feel kind of sick to my stomach right now - calm but that nevertheless.

there's a pattern and i saw it a few months ago, and then it stopped and now it's started again

h is really nice - friendly really great and seemingly connecting - right before he pulls something on me

in the first weeks, we'd sleep together (happened 3 times) and then the next day he'd give me a little bomb

Hi Zig,
Just wanted to say that this is EXACTLY what I've been experiencing too.

I used to think of H's moments of niceness as a sign that my changes were having some effect on our dynamic, but recently, I've come to doubt it.

I feel so played. Half crazy; not wanting to trust my own feelings any more.

The one thing H does do that gives me some hope that he might actually be looking within himself is that he apologises from time to time for what he is doing to me.
I'm probably kidding myself that this has any significance at all.

Does your H apologise?

[wishing, hoping]

Me too!!! I would notice H was being more open. More sharing. Actually flirting a little bit. Then BOOM! He files papers. Cycle starts again. Talking, sharing, standing closer to me. Touching my hand. BOOM! I get served. Once again...laughing, joking having good memories. BOOM! We go over divorce paperwork. I think he is softening me up for the kill. Now whenever he calls or is being nice or friendly I wonder what he is up to.

[zig]

yes, he did earlier and hinted about how he had f'ed up a lot.

but lately he's just going along the lines of - see how much better off you are since i'd left - now i don't have to take care of you

he does keep referring to certain specific things that he totally resisted me on to the point of madness and keeps saying thank god you stood your ground on that - you were so right.

there are a lot of mixed messages here- and i think like you i'm feeling a bit crazy getting pulled into all of it constantly

thanks of rechecking in, NLW

take care
zig