Thanks guys. There will be no more boundaries or lines drawn in the sand by me. My W knows my boundaries. It scared her when she crossed that boundary in January and she saw that my attitude was apathy... that I was done. I also believe that she is worn out by her own indecision over the last 15 months and is ready to make a decision and actually try.
I believe she is trying. There will be some contact I'm sure because he isn't done pursuing her. But she is also beginning to see that as manipulation on his part.
I'm done trying to force this. What I am doing is to be loving, understanding, and trying to hold her hand as she works her way through this and moves towards emotional growth and healing for herself.
I am good as long as I continue to see signs that she is trying.
But then again, what the f*&k do I know?! LOL
Denver
I love this post Denver, I'm an utter newbie here & was lucky enough to have a comparatively short marital explosion but I totally empathise with pretty much every word. If nothing else this experience has given you wisdom, evidenced here. Sending you good luck & good karma from across the pond. ND.
Thank you ND. I'm happy to hear that your situation resolved fairly quickly. I'm sure that it was painful though. None of this is easy for any of us... no matter how long we are in it.
Today, I am 'celebrating' the 16 month anniversary of my W leaving our home! LOL
I'm still in it and not much has changed since my last update a week or so ago. Some days though, it is hard to imagine being able to piece this M back together again. So much about both my W and myself is different. It's like an entirely new R without the excitement of a new R... but with all of the baggage.
4 months until my W's lease on her rental home expires and she will have to make a choice about moving back into our home. For me, I have come accustomed to living here by myself. I worry about that.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
W and I discussed her possibly moving back into our home in August when the lease on her rental house expires. She stated that she doesn't want to do that unless we are ready. She said that it would kill any chance of us truly reconciling if we did it too soon, or for financial reason, because it would be awkward and we'd both end up being unhappy. So, she's saying that she isn't ready to commit to that.
It hurts to hear her say that because a full reconciliation with her back in our home is obviously my ultimate goal. But I can't say that her take on the situation isn't right. She is absolutely right. Very tough to think that this situation may continue beyond August. I think that I've exercised great patience over the past 16 months... not at all times, but overall. Hard to imagine being patient beyond 20 months. But, of course, I said that at 6 months, again at 7 months, and every other timeline I've tried to use to get myself through this. Will just have to see how I feel as the calendar rolls through the next several months.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Have the two of you discussed counseling? I think you need someone to help you navigate the R in the beginning.
If at the very least, I recommend that she read "Project Happily Ever After". It's a book as well as a blog from a WAS that she will find funny and yet very meaningful.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Have the two of you discussed counseling? I think you need someone to help you navigate the R in the beginning.
If at the very least, I recommend that she read "Project Happily Ever After". It's a book as well as a blog from a WAS that she will find funny and yet very meaningful.
Thanks Bond. We have not discussed the possibility of marriage counseling since January when she brought it up. She decided that she needed to get into individual counseling before she could consider committing to working on the M and before committing to marriage counseling. She started that in January and is continuing on a weekly basis. She knows that I am ready to begin marriage counseling whenever she is. I guess the problem is that she is still not ready to fully commit to the marriage and is therefore hesitant to do marriage counseling.
I will check out that book. I've never heard of it. Thanks for the recommendation!
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I totally understand your disappointment. But right now both hers and your ideas on this come from thinking what will be. Your W thinking she might not be ready by X date only means she is not ready now. She doesn't know how she will feel in the future. Either do you.
So when these thoughts of what will be, what next, ect happen, this creates anxiety. Anxiety is usually cause by unanswerable questions. You can't keep her from thinking this way, but you can control your own thinking. If you focus on this unknown scenerio, you will project an anxiety now. What you can do is stay off that path, and stay in the present. Focus on the positives now, and let those radiate back to her.
And by X date who knows. But don't discount all the time you have inbetween to make a difference. Use it all. Enjoy it. Make it as good as you can.
Peace.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I totally understand your disappointment. But right now both hers and your ideas on this come from thinking what will be. Your W thinking she might not be ready by X date only means she is not ready now. She doesn't know how she will feel in the future. Either do you.
So when these thoughts of what will be, what next, ect happen, this creates anxiety. Anxiety is usually cause by unanswerable questions. You can't keep her from thinking this way, but you can control your own thinking. If you focus on this unknown scenerio, you will project an anxiety now. What you can do is stay off that path, and stay in the present. Focus on the positives now, and let those radiate back to her.
And by X date who knows. But don't discount all the time you have inbetween to make a difference. Use it all. Enjoy it. Make it as good as you can.
Peace.
Good advice as always Country.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You too Bill. Been busy with work. Hope things are well with you and that you are finding some happiness.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I'm so happy for you. I think that your wife wanting everything to be solid first, and going excruciatingly slow, is actually beautiful. It's the truth of life and relationships. It's really very slow anyway, even if you are in the same house. It's not one choice, it's the day-by-day choice and the minute-by-minute choices. So, you are wise to let it be.
I wish you every happiness, and I consider you successful.
