The Captain said something on another thread that resonated -- "friendship without romance". I really am thinking that's what W wants -- she definitely wants the friendship, she does not want the romance.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
The map is coming well. I've lost 8 pounds so far, working out regularly, but it takes time.
Accuray
Don't be doing more than two pounds a week. That is usually easier to accomplish at the outset. Dropping between 0.5 to one pound per week is easier to sustain once some intial weight comes off.
REM that you could also build muscle mass without losing weight. Yet, you can be losing the "bubble wrap."
Words to the wise from one whom has lost nearly 70 pounds.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
I do forget that at times, and think I can just use alphatude to get my W going. Lately for me my W has been a total sweetheart, loving, and wonderful to be with, but it hasn't translated to sex which is a little frustrating.
Currently doing crossfit that stuff is intense, I haven't been this sore since boot camp. Hopefully it's what I need to get that lean ripped body.
Thanks Captain, that 70 pounds is definitely an admirable success story. As I remember reading, you did that mainly through walking and hiking right?
Correct!
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
Hi Accuray, I’ve read thru your threads and find myself wondering if I am a little like your wife. I have been with my H for 20 years, I love him and want him to feel loved and cared about however I find myself in a place where I do not desire him and I am not comfortable opening myself up to him - kissing him, being touched by him, etc. I know this is because of past difficulties in our relationship but I do not know how to regain (rebuild?) the desire to be intimate and sexually engaged. I feel stuck. I know that H has needs and it is appropriate for him to request sex X times per week and I try to accommodate that but it isn’t helping me to desire him. My biggest frustration right now is that I don’t know what it would take to help me feel that desire and feel comfortable opening up with him. I realize that sharing this with you may or may not provide any insight as to what is going on with your wife however I thought it might be helpful to hear from a different perspective.
At least you are making an attempt even though it is not producing the results "desired" (pun intended). The thing that brought me here besides an article I read on sexless marriages, is another article on 101 days of sex. The lesson from the couple that gave the interview and wrote a book about the experience indicated that sometimes you just have to plow through no matter what....or maybe you have to do domething different that produces the result through a seeminlgly unrelated path.
The other lesson is that both of them clearly wanted a sex life back that they once seemed to have. The question is: do you?
You suggestt that you do not feel comfortable opening up to your H. That suggests to me that you actually know that there is something to "open up" about that is in the way. Or maybe its just that you don't sex any longer and don't know what to say or what the consequences of telling that truth is.
From my POV and observation of my W, I think I can fairly say that being sexual when she didn't want to be was far more damaging than just cutting me off cold turkey. She seemed and seems happier knowing that she won't be sexually involved with me than worrying about taking the time to get all sweaty in something she does not want to do.
For some the sexual portion of the marriage ends up being a dead end and most of us don't expect it to tuen out that way.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
