Husband left me...feel hopeless

[Accuray]

That's very understandable and no one will hold that against you. Anticipate that you might change your mind several times before your decision becomes final. It may help to speak to a lawyer to understand what to expect from divorce. The first consultation is almost always free.

Accuray

[25yearsmlc]

Yeah its so hard because there are no clear cut rules or decisions made. Its just in limbo...which is not fun. I don't know how long ill be able to go with no contact and still decide to work on our marriage.

sometimes, letting go IS working on the marriage, and pursuing is ending it.

If they want space, give it to them. Really.

If they say they want to be friends, appear open & receptive to it. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow and wonder what it'll mean or lead to or if you are being a doormat for being friends...But never initiate the contact.

If an affair happened or some other event AND they don't believe YOU can get past whatever they have done,

they won't bother "trying to make it up to you" -- especially b/c at the moment, they think they want out of the marriage.

So the more you attach conditions to their return, when they do not even think they want to return, the harder you make it for them.

You want to keep the road home, paved and smooth... it'll already be hard for them to come back.

HOWEVER if YOU believe you cannot get past an affair, if you KNOW this about yourself,

then do not stay together AND be miserable. That's the worst option available.


But explore the term and concept of Forgiveness and do it on your own. It's really for YOU anyhow. (If you have no idea what that means, I suggest you research it on this site b/c there are many threads about it and MWD has written a lot on the topic.)

For now, here's a small reminder I've used.

"Hanging onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,

to get smoke in their eyes."

[25yearsmlc]

It just baffles my mind that this what you do to a completely faithful wife of two deployments. ...I feel fooled and completely betrayed. Hes nit the man I know or deserve to be with.

I'm very sorry for your pain. I know it really stinks right now. We don't know what HE was thinking and he may not either.

Does he know you know the whole story? (Do you know the whole story?)


(SIGH) and

many hugs to you...it does get better, I promise.

(((( !! ))))

[2chiquitos]

I heard something that applies to all us LBS's. To the idea of...
Once we realize how unmanageable we are and start to work on ourselves, we stop trying to manage WAS's life. Why? cuz we're too busy fixing ourselves!

I was and am still a wreck. I've got to take care of myself so that I can take care of my kids.
Detach Autumn. It's easier said than done.

[2chiquitos]

I'm so sorry! not autumn, hopingnpraying.
Take care sweety

[25yearsmlc]

Here here, jks. I don't have an ow, but I'm sure I can look forward to one in his future. This d. stuff is sooo hard. I'm thinkin my h. is going to ugly about finances and I don't know how p'ed off he is going to get at me. I just know I have to protect myself financially, no matter how mad it makes him. How does db'ing work when it gets adversarial and you have basically no contact, except divorce matters.

it IS harder b/c you must compartmentalize. But if you keep it ALL separate in your mind and heart AND in your communications, it helps.

IOW, let the lawyers do the talking and only hire a L who you trust to pursue your interests BUT not to unecessarily aggravate things. I had a L who told me she would keep peace if possible but that she "can be an [censored] if need be" and I knew what she meant.

Do NOT let fear be your guide now. Fear doesn't lead us to good decision making.

Protect yourself without fearing your h's reaction-- b/c one thing we do know is that your h is not looking out for your best interests atm.

Let your Lawyer handle the ugly stuff and earn his/her money. That's why they are there. IT's like hiring a realtor to sell or buy a house and you don't want to negotiate directly b/c it's a drag and you get upset, and think you are being ripped off and the other party does too, etc.

So if your h calls or asks you about something legal, you pleasantly but efficiently suggest his L call yours...then maybe ask how His job or hobby is going or how his sick relative is feeling...

showing that the legalities are separate and apart from the loving woman you are. But no doormat behavior, just upbeat kindness.

Be busy and get off the phone first as usual...(let the 180s/GAL continue) and be LESS predictable.

Your h's confusion at your behavior can be intriguing and can also be the first stage of him changing his opinion of you...it won't worsen the situation b/c right now, he's not in a good place maritally anyhow.

If he says "I KNEW you'd be this way..." meaning vindictive,

You can say "I'm sorry you're so angry, but I'm still going to protect my legal interests. In the meantime, I don't deserve to be spoken to rudely - so IF & when you feel like talking calmly, THEN call. Otherwise i have to go b/c I have things to do. Have a nice day, good bye" (and then gently, -no slamming!- hang up.)

IF he's way too rude/crude to you, cut that off THEN & there & refer him to your L., and hang up.

If nothing else, he won't treat you like that anymore AND he may learn some respect for you, & respect is an essential element to mature love.

BTW, the reality of the divorce's finances, often surprises the WAS. So you never know, he may decide it IS worth working on

And if money is his motivation for working on the marrage at first, so what?

IF he does the work, and the marriage improves, who cares what triggered it?

at least that is how I see it.

Good luck

[hopingandpraying]

I do know most of the story. He still has not called me after I found out about the other phone. I just feel completely disrespected and pushed aside. He is being a coward.

[jks]

I'm so sorry!! I really am. Feeling this same pain today too. 25 has some great advice though.

Thanks for posting 25!

[hopingandpraying]

Thanks jks. 25 does have amazing advice.

I would like to see if I could work on things and forgive but hes not even willing to come back home and try. He is only caring about himself and I know I don't deserve someone who does this but its still my marriage.

[Accuray]

The irony is that both divorce *and* reconciliation require you to detach right now. Really no matter what you decide, your actions should be the same.

Accuray