Yeah Dory, I read it as meaning "insightful" in the context.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
"Yes, I and most women are more than capable of having and desiring sex merely as a physical act. What my H, and I suspect many men fail to acknowledge, is that a woman's desire for sex increases tenfold when there's an emotionally intimate connection between themselves and their partner."
From Dory - without a doubt one of the most incisive things I've read on here. I was a woman that thought men & women were able to approach sex with the same mindset. NOW I understand that is not the case & never will be!
ND
I certainly didn't mean to cut anyone down by making that remark! I apologize to ND & anyone else I may have offended.
I was speaking from my own experience in my M and shouldn't have made such a generalization. My H and I have had this discussion/arguement over and over to the point of redundancy - and for the life of me, I could not get him to understand that closing himself off from me had become pathological, that he was not only hurting me with his behaviour, but also himself. I assume that it was my frustration with my own situation with my H that directed me to word it the way I did.
I should not have worded it the way I had and not used any generalizations. I was triggered without realising it. Again, I'm sorry to anyone who was offended by my words.
Pretty sure that it was a compliment Dory.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
good old fashioned...laying it out there with what you want
because,
let's face it
no one (male or female) is a mind reader
and
there are sometimes when I want something solved and sometimes when I want someone to listen
Cori and I are pretty straight forward now
mostly because I am too old and tired to try to dance my way through things
so I will say things...I want to talk to you and I want you to help me come up with solutions. Here is the lowdown......
or
please just shut up and listen because I don't want you to fix it but I want you to make me feel better about it (or just listen to me vent or whatever)
he does the same
we get compliments on how compatible we are all the time
basically because we are blunt about what we need from the other person when we need it
because...if I am afraid to ask for it, from my partner...then there is a problem bigger than simply the point I want them to get
there are sometimes when I want something solved and sometimes when I want someone to listen
Cori and I are pretty straight forward now
mostly because I am too old and tired to try to dance my way through things
so I will say things...I want to talk to you and I want you to help me come up with solutions. Here is the lowdown......
or
please just shut up and listen because I don't want you to fix it but I want you to make me feel better about it (or just listen to me vent or whatever)
he does the same
Or.....
I ask first...
Do you need me to just listen ? Or are we coming up with solutions ???
Thanks Fig. It seems that talking and, even more so, listening, is the key here.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I think it's a great topic for discussion. Like anything, it's way more complicated than it would first appear. Passionate Marriage does define intimacy as making yourself vulnerable, or open to possible ridicule and rejection. It's putting yourself out there. However, it talks about it in the context of being "differentiated" or your own person in the marriage, not co-dependent, which is to say that if you make yourself vulnerable and the other person rejects you, that's their problem and you do not define or measure yourself by their reaction to you.
i.e. Be completely good by yourself, AND be willing to share yourself. It's really important to recognize the role of emotional independence and then layer on top of that a decision to share with the other person, versus *needing* to to make yourself feel whole.
If you look at that a different way, the things that you and Dory have said women want are true -- however, if they are delivered from a subserviant, co-dependent man, that's not going to lead to physical intimacy (i.e. it's a turn-off). It's the combination of having a man they *respect* coupled with emotional intimacy that is the key. If you pander to your spouse too much, it's a turn-off. There has to be a balance between strong and independent and warm and fuzzy, and if you go a little bit outside of the proper balance one way or the other and don't self-correct, problems will result.
It's figuring out how to walk this line that makes it so complicated.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Great post Accuray. And it's clear that I went WAY to far to the 'strong and independent' side of things in my R/M with my W prior to her leaving me. Not going too far to the other side has been my challenge for the past 16 months. Tough to do when you are trying to prove that you are capable of not being overly strong, independent, and controlling. It is a tough balance to achieve for sure.
Thanks again!
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I think it's a great topic for discussion. Like anything, it's way more complicated than it would first appear. Passionate Marriage does define intimacy as making yourself vulnerable, or open to possible ridicule and rejection. It's putting yourself out there. However, it talks about it in the context of being "differentiated" or your own person in the marriage, not co-dependent, which is to say that if you make yourself vulnerable and the other person rejects you, that's their problem and you do not define or measure yourself by their reaction to you.
i.e. Be completely good by yourself, AND be willing to share yourself. It's really important to recognize the role of emotional independence and then layer on top of that a decision to share with the other person, versus *needing* to to make yourself feel whole.
If you look at that a different way, the things that you and Dory have said women want are true -- however, if they are delivered from a subserviant, co-dependent man, that's not going to lead to physical intimacy (i.e. it's a turn-off). It's the combination of having a man they *respect* coupled with emotional intimacy that is the key. If you pander to your spouse too much, it's a turn-off. There has to be a balance between strong and independent and warm and fuzzy, and if you go a little bit outside of the proper balance one way or the other and don't self-correct, problems will result.
It's figuring out how to walk this line that makes it so complicated.
Accuray
This is one of the very best posts I've ever read on here.
