I tend to agree with you, 2TP. If we were at a different place right now I am fairly certain my actions/approach would be different. Granted, the time is coming where we have to make a call one way or the other.
GM - I see and do not disagree with your point. You are correct that I need to assert myself a bit more in these situations - and I will when the time is right. Right now I just feel like I need to play it cool for a bit. Regardless, I am never going to relegate myself to doormat status.
Mach - I could have expressed my expectations better.
The "old" Crimson would have done one of two things. I would have either vehemently stressed why I wanted to be there and try to get her to see my way and say it was OK for me to be there. OR I would have sulked and just given her the silent treatment in the hopes of letting her know she hurt my feelings. Pathetic, but very honest and very true.
Also, to your point, as stated above I could have been more direct in letting her know my desire to spend time with him on his birthday. I did just say that I was taking the day off - I assumed she would realize why and what the purpose was. Again - commuication flaw in my part.
The "old" Crimson would have done one of two things. I would have either vehemently stressed why I wanted to be there and try to get her to see my way and say it was OK for me to be there. OR I would have sulked and just given her the silent treatment in the hopes of letting her know she hurt my feelings. Pathetic, but very honest and very true.
Also, to your point, as stated above I could have been more direct in letting her know my desire to spend time with him on his birthday. I did just say that I was taking the day off - I assumed she would realize why and what the purpose was. Again - commuication flaw in my part.
Crimson
Thank you for your honesty....
My point is....don't be afraid of communicating how you feel. Good AND bad. She needs to see a different side to the bad too. And in these future situations, make sure you express what you envision happening beforehand....saves a lot of self-inflicted pain.
So...make the most of the day...
Maybe trade for another day off with him...
Follow it up at a later day, and tell her what you told us....
That you made an assumption based on your expectations...that you forgot to relay...
In the end Crimbo you are living in so much expectation that these individual sitches have a way of exploding out of control on you emotionally or create a monstrous amount of worry or inner dialogue.
I can understand why. You want so much for a second chance with your W and a family unit for you all. And you have so much possibility here, she seems to be turning back to you and family. How could anyone not be so hopeful when so close to a R? You would have to be dead not to feel that.
Maybe you just keep telling yourself where you are and that's the only place you have control. You have yourself, a much more self aware, honest, loving guy, who has a propensity to be a worry wart. You have this wonderful little boy who thinks the world of you. You have this woman you love that may or may not be your next M life. That's it, you can't control anything else.
Because you're so close to your desired goal you wrap youself up with so much worry about what do I say, what do I do, how do I appear? At some point you just have to say f it, I know who I am, I know where my truth lies, and just politely say what you feel. It seems like this DB stuff can sometimes get in the way of living from the heart. I think you handled it well, you just didn't communicate it well. No big deal, you could just tell, ooops I didn't express it well, my bad, carry on with your plans W. I think she will be happier about a more laid back, laughing, carefree, loving goofball, than some anal-worry wart. You know that [censored] didn't work for you. It's not you, it was just a BS habit like all of us create over the years as a summation of choices. Keep choosing the new way. Read your old posts some day and you'll see the tru progression of a guy out a horrible mindbox into a mush more here and now happy life. Keep that as your goal, and all the rest works out!
In need of some guidance/direction/advice here. Not sure if I am detached enough to look at this objectively. Crimson
I have not bothered to read the rest of this before I know to tell you the answer to this^^ question. NO you are not detached enough to look at this or whatever she said or did, objectively...now I'll read the rest.
So s turns 2 on Friday. I have decided to take the day off. W has day off as well and her mother is going to be in town (my relationship with her is good still). W tells me today that Friday morning they (w and mil) are going to take him to a train park in town. I ask if it's OK if I go - w seems reluctant and does not give a "yes".
I wish you had not asked to go. Did you have the day scheduled for you w/him or both or what? I mean are you giving something UP without her asking you? It sounds as if that's not the case.
She basically says she'll have to see what her mom wants to do when she gets here. After the call, I texted her and said "It's not a problem, I don't have to go to the train park". She texts back "I want his grandma to have his undivided attention. She is only here for the weekend". I pulled a MAJOR "act as if" and said "No problem at all - I am sure you guys will have a lot of fun!".
I'm so glad you replied that way!! What a good 180 for you. BTW, I can totally see why she'd want just s with her mother. When he's with you, YOU get his attention, right?
Why make the MIL compete with that? My mom loves my son, probably more than most of the other grandkids, to tell you the truth. She took him out, one on one, every Sunday for years. They had pancakes at a local diner.
They still treasure that time. As my mother ages with advancing dementia, those Sundays are some of the few memories SHE STILL recalls vividly. Think about it.
I guess W, MIL and SIL will be going to another park later in the day with him to do the birthday celebration (cake, gifts). THAT I am allowed to go to - which is fine. I have gone out of my way to NOT try to interfere with my wife's plans or take control of what is going on.
My heart hurts because I really wanted to spend more quality time with my son on his birthday - that's why I took off work. I will be able to see him at the second "park event" but I am guessing that is all I will get.
But did you arrange for more time with him, ahead of time? Did you say anything to your w about it? It's on her day...so did you simply expect her to share all of it with you or what? I don't know the situation so it's hard to comment here
other than saying not to read into this.
Like Gabby says, there's nothing your w can say or do without you getting that microscope on and staring at it. And your microscope has a 'dark negative lens" too.
The whole "clean floor" comment says more about how SHE felt around you in the past, (and maybe how you behaved) than about how she feels now.
Lesson learned? Check! Now moving on...
Your reply to that was pretty good too. If you think there's some validity to her perspective, and I think you do, you can admit you were too OCD or whatever you want to call it. I can see how it happens too.
My h is an MD who works in the operating room. There are days he comes home and looks around upon entering, and I swear it's like he's looking at monitors to see if the patient is dying -- only it's US and our house he's looking at. God forbid if he finds something not done...(and God help him if he comments!)
I feel like I am missing a lot of cool events. Thanksgiving fell on w's custody day, she set the rules for when I could see him. Ditto on Christmas. Now his birthday falls on her custody day and I feel as if I am being limited to when I can see him. I feel if roles were reversed that she would feel the same way I do.
that's^^^ fair to note. Next time you check the custody schedule, look for that. Sounds like a pattern.
I'm Not sure when to note it, or how, but you have a point. How about addressing it with the MC?
I'm his father - not some random. Am I being too sensitive here? If that is the case, please bring on the 2x4's. I feel like she has an ideal picture of what the day should be like and my presence would just hose it up. I get that she wants her mom to have his attention - but am I that big of a distraction? The kid is turning 2 - loud noises still get his attention! I think the mother in law getting time with him, is NOT her saying you'd "hose it up". That's a negative spin big time. Stop that.
She's saying (IMO) that your son will focus on YOU the most, at the expense of MIL. She wants her mom to bond with son and mil does not live nearby. No mystery here and mil is only there for 2 days.
And You're more fun than before, correct? isn't your son closer to you now? So your w probably has a point-you will distract him.
So on one hand, I get THAT part of this, ie the MIL and time with son...I can wrap my head around that just fine... But the TIMING stinks for you...so I'm conflicted. You have to mention this in mc or somehow communicate it but carefully and in person. If there's no MC coming up then go yourself and ask how to say it since the c knows her and we don't.
I feel like I am being closed-out as a father.
Crimson
You are more involved as a father than you were before, remember? (You said you were grateful for that.)
Don't get amnesia now.
But when you communicate how you feel about the day and feeling shut out unfairly,
try to use it as a demonstration of how
you two can communicate better now. How you can resolve a conflict and address some hurt feelings...differently than before
OR
lose your temper and do a major backslide.
I'm not saying be a doormat. I AM saying to speak up for yourself...
I'm saying do it with care.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I did not specifically map out a plan to spend today with S. We had been getting along so well lately I figured that maybe she would be OK if I participated in whatever they had planned for his birthday. I didn't feel as if I was crashing something that was uniquely "theirs" - it was/is about our son.
That said, it's my fault for assuming. I got my hopes up falsely and lost sight of the fact that we are still in the middle of a D. Well, more like near the end, not the middle. I understand that she wanted the time for her mom. I will respect that even though it is heartbreakingly painful to be missing out on my son really enjoying himself.
W sent pictures of him eating ice cream, riding a carousel. It was a mixed emotion reaction. On the one hand, I was so happy to see him having fun. On the other, my stomach sunk knowing that I was missing it.
By now he is probably taking his nap, and we are all going to gather after he wakes up and gets put together. W asked me to stop and pick up food - not a problem.
Having a child was a three year battle for us filled with a lot of emotional lows and dark days. I view his birthday not just as a celebration of him joining this world, but also as a day a victory, happiness and unbelievable accomplishment for me and my w. If anyone has ever been through the pain of infertility, you can probably relate. I got a gift and a card for my son, but I also bought a card for my w - just something to make her feel good about all that we went through to have our little guy. These days, I have found myself being more appreciative of family and emotions than I ever have in my life. Maybe a few years too late, but I am getting there.
I referred to the evening that I planned for my wife and I next weekend as a "date". Man, I think that was a bad idea. She texted and said she "wasn't sure if she could handle that". That pretty much made my heart sink. Now I am wondering if she will bail on the whole evening. One of the complaints that she had was that we never went out and did new things together.....maybe this is a 180 that blew up in my face? It's been bothering me all morning. UGH.
Well, we all met up at the park yesterday. We had a nice picnic, did cake and gifts - it was a good time. MIL was very kind and seemed genuinely happy to see me gave me a kiss hello and good bye. W and I walked to the playground with s and just had a great time with him - he loved the attention and laughed the whole time. At one point I was pushing him on one swing and w on the other. S eventually got tired and we all went our separate ways. Later that night I got a text from my w saying "thanks for making the day so special". I thanked her back. I was sad to miss the first part of the day, but the second part completely took my mind off of it.
So as luck would have it, my car had been acting weird and on the way to the park my "check engine" light came on. The last thing I need right now is a car repair - but I am not going to put my s in an unsafe vehicle - that's for sure. W texted me that she could meet me at the mechanic this morning and take me back home (luckily, my parents car is still in the garage for me to use). She met me up there and s was out cold in the back of her car. We had a nice chat on the way back about work and everything. Nice, but I felt sort of uneasy.
Finally when she dropped me off it began to hit me that we are reaching the end of the hourglass. Part of me feels I need to have a talk with her and ask her what her plans are. If she plans on seeing the D through to the end. Sometimes I think that we are getting along so well that she would like to walk away from it, and others I think we are getting along because she just wants to co-parent and is still planning on the D. Not a word has been spoken about our frozen embryo since the visit to the doctor.
Pretty sure that we will all meet up at church tomorrow morning, then I get s back later in the day. Hope things go well. I can feel myself getting unnecessarily edgy these days. GAL-wise, I am trying to make plans with some friends tonight to go do something.
"As Much as I have loved all the compliments, flowers, kind words, and hearing about your transformation, my heart still is closed off. I wish I could force it open to you, but I am not able to. I am proceeding forward but I always stay open that if feelings could come back or maybe someday we could be on the same page. I'm guessing once divorced, you will not want to work on relationship anymore, and I understand that too."
Well, I guess I don't have to keep speculating anymore, huh? We have a hearing on 5/3 and it's a wrap 5/8. My heart it broken, but I am still not ready to give up. I just don't know what to do right now. She seems to want me to keep working on R still - and I will, just will be hard.
It felt like we were making good progress. Just don't know where to go from here. I am not wailing out loud at all, but I can't stop the tears from falling right now.
