You've been a great help to me in my sitch so hopefully I can return the favor. I can at least try
It's taken me a bit of time to read up on your sitch, 16 months of threads takes a while to get through, but I'm caught up on it. I have to tell you, you and my H appear to be very similiar creatures, the main difference in our sitch's is that we find ourselves on the opposite sides of the same coin.
But I can at least offer you a woman's perspective:
My M was most definitely a SSM. I was the LD partner & H was the HD partner. My interpretation on what was going wrong is that H needs physical intimacy to generate a desire for emotional intimacy and I need emotional intimacy to generate a desire for physical intimacy.
My H just does not/did not get this, as I suspect is the case for many men.
When I say I want and need emotional intimacy, I want to hear about his wishes, hopes and dreams.
When I say I want and need emotional intimacy, I want to see his vulnerable side and know about his stresses, anxieties and fears.
When I say I want and need emotional intimacy, I want to hear about the minutia of your day, what small thing made you smile, what small thing irritated you.
When I say I want and need emotional intimacy, I want you to want to listen without judgement and hear about my hopes, wishes and dreams.
When I say I want and need emotional intimacy, I want you to want to see without judgement my vulerable side and know about my stresses, my anxieties and my fears.
When I say I want and need emotional intimacy, I want you to want to hear without judgement about the minutia of my day, to know about what small thing made me smile, what small thing irritated me.
All these things being said, there's a number of things that my H could and would do that would make sure that sex was completely out of the question:
~Make an insensitive or mean remark and not apologize for it when I've told him it's hurt my feelings.
~Tell me I'm being too sensitive and shouldn't feel a certain way about something. Never argue with someone's feelings. They know how they're feeling better than you do.
~Barely acknowledge my existence for the evening (whether at home or at a party/event).
Yes, I and most women are more than capable of having and desiring sex merely as a physical act. What my H, and I suspect many men fail to acknowledge, is that a woman's desire for sex increases tenfold when there's an emotionally intimate connection between themselves and their partner.
Thank you for your response and your thoughts on this subject Dory. It seems pretty much unanimous on how women view this. And of course it is in line with everything that I am reading elsewhere.
I really, REALLY wish that I had taken the time to educate myself on this subject a long time ago.
And yeah, I pretty much did the exact opposite of everything that you just described Dory. I think that there should be a mandatory R/M class that we have to take to graduate from high school! Either that, or they should give men a manual on women when we turn 21 or somethin! LOL
Thanks again!
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Bottom line - if you share your feelings with your W, and allow her to share hers with you that will be her intimacy. Enough of that kind of intimacy, and she will almost automatically want to express that in a physical manner because her love will grow a great deal
One thing I also find to be exceedingly admirable, is if my H 'protected' the relationship. Protection in terms preserving the boundaries of the relationship. So, when the H stands up for the relationship in any way, shape or form - in an assertive manner, it is so attractive. That is guaranteed to get you so many brownie points - her love will shoot through the roof. Think parents, friends, other people - as there are always 'threats' lurking around that could use a knight to keep them at bay.
Hey Dory, I knew I liked you. Thanks for putting all those things in words. Excellent!
I had a talk with S22 just last week...I had a confrontation with a male (probably 6'2 300#) neighbor about a dog. Not even my dog. He was very angry and was going to get a gun and "put a bullet in the dog's head" and it escalated from there. I was calm throughout, you could even say I DBd him.
After, I walked in the house and had a total tearful meltdown. I said "he scared me." S22 was at a loss and said things like Oh mom, he's not going to do anything.
After we were both calmer, we had a talk about feelings and that even tho he didn't have the same feelings I did, my feelings about the incident were still valid. He didn't need to fix anything or try to make me feel better, but rather listen and say something like "I'm sorry you're so scared."
Then I got up and hugged him and said, "This is what I really need."
Hope it was a teachable moment.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks for you thoughts Yankee... I think that I'm starting to understand a bit.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
One thing I also find to be exceedingly admirable, is if my H 'protected' the relationship. Protection in terms preserving the boundaries of the relationship. So, when the H stands up for the relationship in any way, shape or form - in an assertive manner, it is so attractive. That is guaranteed to get you so many brownie points - her love will shoot through the roof. Think parents, friends, other people - as there are always 'threats' lurking around that could use a knight to keep them at bay.
"Yes, I and most women are more than capable of having and desiring sex merely as a physical act. What my H, and I suspect many men fail to acknowledge, is that a woman's desire for sex increases tenfold when there's an emotionally intimate connection between themselves and their partner."
From Dory - without a doubt one of the most incisive things I've read on here. I was a woman that thought men & women were able to approach sex with the same mindset. NOW I understand that is not the case & never will be!
"Yes, I and most women are more than capable of having and desiring sex merely as a physical act. What my H, and I suspect many men fail to acknowledge, is that a woman's desire for sex increases tenfold when there's an emotionally intimate connection between themselves and their partner."
From Dory - without a doubt one of the most incisive things I've read on here. I was a woman that thought men & women were able to approach sex with the same mindset. NOW I understand that is not the case & never will be!
ND
I certainly didn't mean to cut anyone down by making that remark! I apologize to ND & anyone else I may have offended.
I was speaking from my own experience in my M and shouldn't have made such a generalization. My H and I have had this discussion/arguement over and over to the point of redundancy - and for the life of me, I could not get him to understand that closing himself off from me had become pathological, that he was not only hurting me with his behaviour, but also himself. I assume that it was my frustration with my own situation with my H that directed me to word it the way I did.
I should not have worded it the way I had and not used any generalizations. I was triggered without realising it. Again, I'm sorry to anyone who was offended by my words.
M:36 WAH:41 M:16 T:17 D:12 SS:21 Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11 Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
