A couple of days have passed now so am wondering, how you are feeling?
Everyday I wake up, there is something that is automatically detaching in order to be able to focus on uni stuff too. I see your bomb was in Feb. I think eventually it will get easier and is a matter of time. You will still have days (I certainly do!) but it does get better. But, you still do live with you WAW so it might take longer. I wonder if anyone here can confirm that.
What I am finding is that it is hard to actually detach and still work towards anything. I fear that I will eventually not have any energy for all this and just let it go quite naturally. A part of me does not want to let it go - for all the good times we have had, and for all that we could have...if only.
What part of you doesn't want to let go? And, why?
I'm feeling really good thanks, and I am far from detached, but was getting there.
I'd had a good couple of days, Thursday night was a breeze. Why? Well my W was actually messaging me while she was there & came home early. So my mind didn't wander.
Yesterday I felt good went for a run & our conversations were great, some flirting going on. Then yesterday evening my sister called to see how I was & I didn't want to leave the room to make my W feel uncomfortable. My phone's pretty loud & my wife could hear my sister say, 'Can you talk is W's name there?' - It was awkward, but I handled it as best as I could. I simply said , 'yes' to my sister & assured her that I was fine & not to worry about me.
I've made a conscious decision not to discuss anything further about my sitch with family & people who are close to us both (out of respect to my W & plus I don't want any pressure or bad advice).
After the call I apologised to my W for making her feel awkward on the phone & explained that I was sorry for confiding some details about our sitch, but that I had stopped discussing our M issues a while ago & that I didn't want to talk to my family about it.
My W was fine about it & we ended up having a R talk which was different to any we've been having since the 1st bomb. My W was very indecisive this time saying whether we stay together or not - which was a real positive. So I kind of validated this & probed by saying, 'I realise now just how broken our R had become & that all's I wanted right now was to build our R slowly brick by brick, without any pressure or outside influence. I said that I wasn't ready to be full on & jump back into our R and that I'd like to take babysteps & take it slowly. My W seemed really happy about this and later on she flirted with me in bed & we made love. (YC the kissing was amazing, so much desire on both sides for each other).
I am not going to push anything & just take it day by day, but I'm happy that my changes are being noticed & my 180 this week of being happy, communicating & genuinely listening to my W's day to day events have paid off. I feel like we are slowly mending our R. I'm expecting many more highs & lows, but right now I am content & very happy at the way things are moving.
My big, big win this week was letting go of the guilt and blame I felt for our R breaking down & accepted it was over. As daft as it might sound, I was simply acting as if it was over & believing it was over & that I was OK with it.
I felt transformed & did feel like a big part of the old me was back, telling jokes, that spring in my step.
My W still loves me & wants it to work, like me she doesn't want to keep hurting anymore, so we're taking it step by step.
All's I'll say is I'm happy today, who knows what tomorrow will bring.
Detaching is hard, but letting go of the guilt and blame is even harder. If you can let go of that, you can look to the future YC.
Love life, love yourself and let yourself be loved & good things will happen.
(I'm all loved up today)
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Nice one Bill!! I can see so many positive aspects in your all's interaction. Not only did you not speak to your sister at length about the R, you got off the phone to apologise to your W about sharing the R concerns and decided to not do it. That is amazing. No wonder she was all flirty with you!!
If my H did that for me, I'd also be all over him
You see, that is a man protecting the R - even if it is in shambles (at the moment). There are a few things up there that just drive a woman to nothing but pure admiration and attraction for her man:
- protecting the heart of the woman - protecting the relationship - standing up for one's self (in an assertive manner) - Being confident in yourself
Enjoy the day!! You clearly are deserving the reward of love for working so hard.
That reply from you really cheered me up. At the time when my sister called I was like, 'oh please don't say anything to me that might screw things up for us, because they were going so well'. But you're right, I was thinking about my R and my W's feelings and there was absolutely no way I was going to leave the room to let her feel like I was discussing our R.
I feel so much better, not just because of my W's reaction last night, but because she seen 1st hand, just how much she means to me and that when I say that I won't have anyone say a bad word about her. I mean it!
It was a definitive action, not just words. Some on here might say I've been pursuing this week. I was prepared to let my W go, because I love her so much and had she told me that she wants to be with the OM I wouldn't have stood in her way. I've learned truly that if you can forgive yourself and realise that we are only here for a short while, you enjoy every minute.
Everytime I make love to my wife I think it may be the last time and I give myself fully, no fear of anything, just a desire to satisfy my wife and let her know how beautiful she is. That's always been my problem in the past worrying about not satisfying my wife and overthinking things. I realise you just have to let go of your inhibitions and give yourself fully, to truly connect to your spouse.
I think a lot of us on here have been so insecure in the past, that we ended up here.
YC your H is weak right now, I know how he feels, but he's got to snap out of it. The more relaxed you are around your H, the less anxiety he will feel.
He needs help, but he's got to find himself first. Everyday you get stronger, stronger for YOU! When the penny drops for him and you do start putting your Marraige together, the best advice I can give you is to not put any pressure on yourself, let things happen naturally and flirt without the fear of rejection.
YC I know you are a good woman and you'll get there. I'm not taking anything for granted and I will be as patient as I need to be, responding to my W and trying subtle new things here and there.
I really need to buckle down and get my UNI work done, 6 weeks and lots to do. I'm sure I'll have more highs and lows before then. But I'm loving life again, and when you experience the real lows, you fully enjoy the highs in life.
Take care & keep your spirits up YC
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
coming home at 5 and 8am and not suspicious of her cheating?
think again...
It's actually quite possible. Given their ages and where they live, the party scene is huge there. There are a plethora of clubs that stay open to the wee hours. Dancing all night is something I used to do on the regular myself, no sex involved.
Being enamored and idolizing the party scene eventually leads to participants doing what they do. So if she hasn't cheated now, enough time and repetitions mixed with alcohol and she will be drawn closer and closer to it.
I didn't say it was bad or good. It just is what it is.
