Recently Seperated Part IV

[MrBond]

No we have not R. We see each other almost every day and have a good relationship with the kids. She's in a true MLC in that she has not wanted to work on her issues, but I concentrate on myself and we've become much better than we were before. Through my changes, I see she's changed, but it took a very long time to get here. There was also alot of drama with OM that would take up all the time here.

"Do you think I should try to get back into the house even if in separate rooms etc or just find another place to stay. Or just ask her what she wants and go off that."

Don't ask. Is it your home too? Do you want to be home? Then go home. The first day my W told me she was "unhappy" she told me to move. I told her if she was unhappy she could move because I was perfectly fine where I was. So she did.

For one thing you need to stop reacting to what she will or will not do. You don't need to be a d*ck, but you need to be firm in your resolve about what YOU want.

[ThisDayForward]

Mr B I'm really starting to suspect OM. Tearing the rings off. Telling me she wants to date. Telling me to date and on top of it the pure treatment like total garbage.

I'm in your situation. I'm just working on myself and man do I have a TON of work to do.

I'm working on my insecurity issue, trust, anxiety, and I'm learning it all stems from my childhood abuse.

I had a breakdown today. To be quite honest I'm ready to ask for a D as of today. Only separated for 3 months but its been 2 1/2 years of up and down with her. It kills me for the kids.

I don't know how you even stick it out with OM in the picture. You are a better person then me. I would have been gone.

My W is truly having her cake and eating it too right now. Not like it at all. As others on here have said she knows the kids are close to my heart and she pulls on those strings.

We also have a vacation home for the summer that I know she will use all summer long. I feel like she is stringing me along until she either finds someone else or just gets rid of me.

I have a gut instinct about OM but honestly don't know. It is just a feeling based on treatment. I am not sure if I want to know or not.

I appreciate your feedback. I know it may not seem it by my posts but I am making progress. I have a support system in place. I've literally done counseling 3 x's this week and I am unconvering things I never knew that bothered me. I'm truly trying to get in a place where I will be 'OK' with D even if I don't want it.

Sometimes I just like to write on here and it makes me feel better. But today emotionally was the worst day for me yet. I don't know why but I had to do emergency counseling. I broke down in the grocery store parking lot and started crying like a 2 year old.

[ThisDayForward]

Had a conversation with W tonight. It was actually civil. A few things came up. We have this vacation home and this weekend is my weekend with kids. I was planning on getting out of the apartment and taking them down. She txt me earlier today saying she was going to head down and clean the house. Clear out old food etc. She then said I don't mind if you are there. I said are those your true feelings. You don't need to be fake around me anymore. She said I don't want you there I was only saying that to see the kids. I said ok I respect your feelings. You goto vacation house and I will take kids to a hotel or something. Crappy situation but actually progress.

She is hung up on the D. She said I feel like I don't have anything to work on. The last 6 years of the marriage I tried. I said ok. That is your choice. You're a grown women and you make your own decisions. I told her I felt I have a lot of work to do on myself and I will continue to do so. I did mention I felt based on both our abusive childhoods that we both could use some work but the ultimate decision is up to her.

She feels she wants a D but just wants everything to be rosy and friendly. I avoided this part of the conversation. (although I'm starting to lean this way myself lately) I just feel it takes two people working very hard on each others issues to make it work and its a ton of work.

For now I feel I want to remove my rings. At first I did not have this feeling. My mind has changed. I am not sure why. Maybe its the counseling Ive been doing. He makes me realize I don't NEED W in my life I choose to want her in my life etc. But for some odd reason I don't feel like wearing my rings as of tonight. Sort of freaking me out a bit. But maybe just maybe it will help me detach.

I did say a few times I respect your feelings. I understand your feelings and she couldn't even respond to it. It totally took the air out of the balloon by saying that. A total 180 on my part. I use to defend myself etc. I just went the other way and said I understand your feelings. She almost seemed shocked at the moment.

I did mention I felt there was OM. I didn't get into it. I let it go but I got it off my chest. This was based on our history 10 years ago. When I met her she had just removed her rings and then I was in the picture. I also caught her in an absolute lie. But oh well on that.

so this weekend I'm going to take the kids away for the weekend and try to stay clear of her. I finally understand her feelings. She only interacts with me on my weekends for the kids and her own selfishness of wanting to see the kids. Not being a d*ck but I want to enjoy the kids on my weekend mom free.

I don't know where this journey is going to take me. I can tell you this tomorrow will be better then today.

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement; nothing can be done without hope." Helen Keller

[ThisDayForward]

Well I'm sure no surprise. We are meeting with mediator and starting the divorce process

[ThisDayForward]

She made consultation for Monday based on argument we had Thursday night over kids. Redic

[2thepoint]

Had a conversation with W tonight. It was actually civil. A few things came up. We have this vacation home and this weekend is my weekend with kids. I was planning on getting out of the apartment and taking them down. She txt me earlier today saying she was going to head down and clean the house. Clear out old food etc. She then said I don't mind if you are there. I said are those your true feelings. You don't need to be fake around me anymore.

The first question was good..."are those your true feelings?" The comment following about not needing to be fake is not helpful and just creates defensiveness. Next time just ask the question and wait for the response.

She said I don't want you there I was only saying that to see the kids. I said ok I respect your feelings. You goto vacation house and I will take kids to a hotel or something.

Sounds a little vindictive don't you think?

She is hung up on the D. She said I feel like I don't have anything to work on. The last 6 years of the marriage I tried. I said ok. That is your choice. You're a grown women and you make your own decisions. I told her I felt I have a lot of work to do on myself and I will continue to do so.

This is good ^^^.

I did mention I felt based on both our abusive childhoods that we both could use some work but the ultimate decision is up to her.

This ^^^ not so much! Why make excuses? Just do the work on yourself and let your progress and improvement show.

I did say a few times I respect your feelings. I understand your feelings and she couldn't even respond to it. It totally took the air out of the balloon by saying that. A total 180 on my part. I use to defend myself etc. I just went the other way and said I understand your feelings. She almost seemed shocked at the moment.

See? Validation is so crucial. Validate and listen...

I did mention I felt there was OM. I didn't get into it. I let it go but I got it off my chest. This was based on our history 10 years ago. When I met her she had just removed her rings and then I was in the picture. I also caught her in an absolute lie. But oh well on that.

So, do you think bringing this up got you and your W any closer to a reconciliation? If that is your goal, you may want to set that matter aside for now and not bring it up again. Do you understand why that would be a good idea?

so this weekend I'm going to take the kids away for the weekend and try to stay clear of her.

This ^^^ is why I said I thought your comment to your W about going somewhere else with the kids instead of the vacation home was vindictive. You stating it here in the way that you have kind of, sort of proves my point, don't you think?

Not being a d*ck but I want to enjoy the kids on my weekend mom free.

I totally get this. But you need to keep in mind how your actions are being interpreted. Don't give her reasons to push you further away emotionally.

I don't know where this journey is going to take me. I can tell you this tomorrow will be better then today.

Good positive thinking!! Just try to avoid sabotaging your efforts with potentially harmful actions. Re-read my comments above if this is not making sense.

[ThisDayForward]

She told me she is completely done. Doesn't have anything to do with the weekend stuff. She meets with a lawyer tomorrow. She doesn't want to mediate because she says she doubts that I can. She threaten to take weekly overnights from me. She doesn't even remember some of the stuff she says (aka, wanting to date other men etc)

I guess this is where I go dark. I can't even really go dark with 2 kids and seeing her every day etc.

I meet with a lawyer on Tuesday to see my rights.

I feel I need to let her divorce me at this point. Its been almost 3 years and now everything I do makes it worse. Even sitting in silence.

[ThisDayForward]

Well my W booked a lawyer and it happened to be mine. So that delayed things a little.

The problem going on now is my W is threatening to take away overnight kid time from me. She is being nasty and ridiculous. So I have to get legal advice.

For some reason I still hold onto hope that my W won't go through with the D but as I said very early on in my postings I know my W. she did this very same thing to her first hubby 10 years ago and I was the OM. Only difference is we have 2 kids they had none at the time.

I'm still going to counseling to curb my anxiety. It is very hard to have a light tongue with all the venom coming out of my wife's mouth 24 x 7.

You see my W wants to live the divorced life but have the best of both worlds. She wants me out of the house and the kids around her all the time. She won't let me enjoy my kids on my nights. There is a point of being a doormat and letting myself enjoy my kids. She sets boundaries and then doesn't stick to them.

Anyways I will not let my wife try to take overnights from me. I am documenting my kids schedule daily in a journal like suggested by my lawyer.

I had a good couple of days even after all the threats of divorce and lawyer talk. My counselor is trying to get me to a point of detachment. Basically accept that the marriage is over and work on being happy and not depend on her my happiness.

I still being doing a ton of GAL work. I do cards. Hang out with friends, play my acoustic guitar, and now that the weather is breaking playing golf.

The reality is my W is not the person I married. She looks like she is having a MLC. She is 40. No rings. FB profile set to not married. Hanging out at bars with single guy "friends". Telling me to date. Blah nothing I can do and I can't control her but very frustrating.

I did remove my rings because I don't feel married anymore. It was strange at first. But I completely don't even feel married at all. I was holding on to the marriage for all the wrong reasons. The kids only. My counselor made me realize that I wouldnt' go back to that marriage to her right now anyways. It takes 2 people to work a broken marriage and right now my W isn't doing anything . So I will continue to work on me.

One of my major flaws was calling her mom to probe her for information. This will be my first full week that I haven't called with the help of my therapist.

I am also looking for a bigger place to rent now that I feel this whole process is going to take a very long time to fail or heal. I want to find a normal neighborhood and start to live my life a little too.

I am also looking for a part time job even though I own my own company. I think it may help me get back into main stream for a bit

Anyways those are my random thoughts

[MrBond]

So was she this mean to her ex when she left him for you?

[ThisDayForward]

yes Mr Bond