Husband left me...feel hopeless

[Accuray]

Hope I didn't come across as too harsh. Was it a DB coach from this site? I'm surprised they would recommend that at this point, I would probably not recommend that, although they had the benefit of speaking with both of you.

One book I read that was written by an MC said that 90% of the time, one party comes to MC in an uncooperative state -- they're just coming to help the other person find peace, to convince them it's over, or to try to "fix" the other person. In those scenarios it's not going to be productive.

I'd let him lead on scheduling the dates.

Accuray

[hopingandpraying]

Yes it was a db coach. We actually went into the office twice.

No you are not sounding harsh at all. Were not scheduled to go for another month. So we will see...she said were.not actually working on our marriage. Were...well my h...is trying to figure out if there is enough to work on in the m on his end and she talks to him for a half hour then me then us.

[Accuray]

I would definitely distance yourself a bit and let him lead. Let him be the one to initiate contact, let him be the one to schedule dates. When you go back to your DB appointment and the coach asks if you went on your dates, let H be the one to explain why you did or you didn't. You've shown that you're willing, you've done your job. Let him miss you for awhile.

Accuray

[hopingandpraying]

I understand the whole point behind making him wait and miss me, but I'm just so scared that he won't miss me and that he will just keep distancing himself more. However, I am going to go dark and back off completely.

He is actually staying at our house this coming week (planned like 6 weeks ago) because I'm going out of town and he's staying with the dog. He said he wanted to do it, so I don't know if it will be a good thing or a bad thing. Part of me thinks that being at the house will make him think about the stuff he misses (he's just living at an apt with a blow up mattress, no cable, no internet). Granted I want him to miss me, but maybe it will bring up feelings of missing his whole life in general...who knows??!?!? Can't really change that now.

I am now leaving the dates and talking up to him. I know it will get easier...it's just hard right now.

You are so right about letting him explain why we did or didn't...good call!

[Accuray]

Yes! You are scared that he won't miss you and will just keep distancing more. *That*, in a nutshell, is exactly what is so hard about DB. It is completely counter-intuitive and requires a leap of faith.

The thing that you have to keep reminding yourself is that pursuing is what will make him not miss you and just keep distancing more. You have to do the opposite of what your heart says! As long as you're stepping toward him he will always take another step away. You have to walk in the other direction to get him to step back.

I can tell you with perfect rearview mirror clarity that this is way more effective than begging, pleading, trying to control, explaining, arguing, etc. None of it will do you any good. You have to step off that cliff, accept that he *might* just keep distancing, but if he does, there is nothing you can do about it. You need to surrender to that. If you surrender to it, it will make it much easier to deal with. It is not in your hands. Your very best course of action is to distance.

I'm very sorry for how you're feeling, I've been there! It's brutal and your heart keeps telling you to reach out to this person and invite them back into your life because you *know* you'll both be happier if they do. You have to fight that impulse and it will subside.

Accuray

[ben11]

HAP,

Specifically what are you doing for your GAL activities?

When I really committed to it, I was pretty doing something 4 or 5 days a week. Exercising, cooking classes, hanging out with friends, church groups, hockey, and night classes were all things I was doing. 2 months in, I'm still doing these things. They became a part of my routine. Sure, some days its nice to just stay at home, get some chores/errands out of the way, but for the most part, busy is good.

The nice thing about some of my GAL activities is that they were also 180's. I did a 12-day cleanse, and adopted a healthier diet. The cooking classes were instrumental in this. I found out that I actually liked cooking. I might have made dinner for my wife maybe 4 times in our 2 years of marriage. Finishing my degree was a sign that I was trying to better myself, and not being lazy and complacent (another of her complaints). And all the exercise (cyling, hockey, etc) was me also being healthy. Healthy body, healthy mind.

So... what are you already doing, and what are you planning on doing? You might have noticed, every single time I write to you, I bring up GAL. For me personally, it was the #1 reason I even have a chance at R.

[hopingandpraying]

Ben,

Thank you for your post!

As for GAL, I started taking a Zumba Class and have started reading more. With my job, I come home late most nights and have a dog that I need to come home to, so it's hard to do things on the weekdays. As for the weekends, I go out with friends more and was also thinking about taking a cooking class. I have never been much of a cooker so that might be something fun and different.

I just finished my Master's degree, so there are no further classes that I want to take there...my goal with that is to just pay off my loans before I get my next Masters degree. I already eat healthy...so I guess I should start working out...that would be something I could do that would be a 180 for me. I've never been very good at working out...haha! So that is something I could work on.

I know I am doing these things for me, but I don't see it helping my R any, because to this day, my H has not made any complaints about me (not saying that I'm perfect by any means). He has even put it into writing for his psychologist that he has "a great/near perfect wife and that he's just not happy."

I just hate this painful feeling...

[hopingandpraying]

Thanks Accuray!!!

I am trying so hard to detach. It has been 4 days since I've texted him....longest I've gone! YAY!

I know that pursuing will make him feel pressured that's why I'm really trying this. It's my last resort!!!

[ben11]

Wow, masters degree. Impressive.

I would definitely suggest a cooking class. Not only do you get to eat better meals, but I find cooking a fun way to get together with people. I've had friends over and cooked breakfast rather than going to a restaurant. Cooking's a lot more enjoyable when what you make turns out well

Sounds like you're on the right track. It's painful, no question. While I definitely knew some of my W's complaints about our marriage, she too said I was an awesome guy, and she'd be crazy to let me go completely. It's very confusing to hear. If it really is him simply needing to figure things out as to why he's unhappy, I guess its just more reason to let him figure it out on his own. Maybe you finding your happiness through the GALing will rub off on him, and he'll want what you have.

Have you tried talking with the MC as to advice he/she may have? I find I email our MC before I do anything anti-DB to get some advice from someone who knows a lot more about marriage than I, and someone who actually knows BOTH sides of the story (unlike us here on the board who only hear the one side)

[hopingandpraying]

I do call my DB coach anytime I have questions. She does think this is a guy who is lost in life and doesn't know what he wants, but like you said, it is hard, regardless of the reasons!

I'm definitely going to look into cooking classes somewhere! Thanks for that suggestion!