am i on the right track??? part 2

[zig]

journaling

feel so strange today - really struggled through the day - was excited to see s but at the same time felt overwhelmed and reminded so acutely of the sitch.

am also struggling a lot with realizing that i DON"T want to see H when he gets back in about a week - that i'm not ready, i'm not strong enough, not detached enough

why did i think that 25 days would be plenty to rip myself out of the situation?

i think that as i accept more and more that this is really happening, i am going through a new stage of realizing how deeply hurt i am and how much trust i've lost in him. i thought about the trust thing as something i could get over easily, but tonight i find myself overwhelmed at the thought of dealing with it.

i also realized that i don't think i posted my " whole story" when i began here = and i can't figure out if it was some sort of sub-conscious evasion on my part, or because i'm so consumed with the present sitch that i didn't get into that.


i was married before - 10 yrs, no kids, and my ex cheated on me continuously from the second year on. i always let it go and eventually that marriage just died and he moved in with another woman and then told me that he wanted a divorce.

ashamed to say that in the last few months, i had an affair - with H, in another country and got pregnant by accident - i didn't know about my ex's affair at that time. H pressured me alot to keep the baby and finally i did - just didn't have it in me to have an abortion, and my divorce with ex came through 3 weeks before s was born and then finally i agreed to get married when s was 3 weeks old.

H never got over that i had been so reluctant to say yes- taking it as a sign that i didn't love him enough. i did love him alot, but the reluctance came from the fact that i had just ended one relationship and didn't want to jump right into another one, and the whole situation was so messy and i felt like a failure, and ashamed about everything that had happened. on the other hand we were so excited about our new baby and so in love, that it seemed as if we would be just fine

the thing was that i never trusted anyone as much as i trusted H after we met and for all these years, and i feel simply devastated by his disloyalty.

by the time i cheated on my ex, he had had so many affairs that i had lost count, and we hadn't been intimate for 2 yrs. i know it was wrong of me to do that, and even worse (something i have not been able to forgive myself for) exH had begged for years for us to have kids and i refused, and then what do i go and do, but have someone else's baby

so now i can't help but think about both my marriages and see the crazy similarities, and the bizarre situation that both lasted about 10 yrs and both have ended the same way with both men leaving with another woman

and then i think - what comes around goes around

in my own defense, i tried really hard in both - maybe not in the right way, because i didn't understand how relationships work like i do now, but at the same time i can't help thinking that why have i been with 2 consecutive men who thought it was better to go sleep with someone else rather than fix our problems. another similarity between them was that they are both adamant that i caused 100% of the problems and they didn't do anything wrong. so here i am with the knowledge that it takes two to tango but both men that i was with thought only one needed to

so there are the sordid details and i don't know if it's better to quietly walk away or stay and try to make this work. except that this time i really do love this man and i have a child with him, and it makes me angry , so angry that because of that i have to stay and be okay with H - and so i feel stuck, and a little trapped, because i'd rather go somewhere very far away and put this out of my mind - it's the only way i know how to take away the pain a little

but i guess even as i write this, i have to grow up and face the music - and do the biggest 180 of them all - face EVERYTHING - accept it for what it truly is, come to peace with it and STAY right here, no matter how painful it is.

i have been doing this for 7 months now - facing everything that i am aware of , and there is just more and more all the time - within myself and my situation and i am just so tired..

i don't really know why i am so distraught tonight - trying to identify what is really upsetting me - is it the realization that both these men were not good for me, or that i was no good for either of them - or something entirely different, that has to do more with the letting go and seeing the reality of it all and how painful it actually is

thanks for having the patience to read:)

and rick, if you see this, i'm still remembering the recipe, will get it to you one of these days:)

[zig]

okay so after that long pathetic wail above, i go to read my horoscope and here's what it says ( i copied and pasted it here, hope that's kosher)

"Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right... Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.." Yeah, we all know that song & we all know that feeling too... The danger here is that you have some very powerful forces on either side of you and the last thing you want or need is to get caught in the middle... in the crossfire... It's your additional spiritual awareness that allows you to rise above situations like this and that's what you must do... It's important to understand that you are not being called to "solve the problems"... It about how to avoid getting caught in the madness.


how's that for putting things into a bit more positive perspective?

i HAVE to figure out how to get out of the crossfire here- the one H has aimed at me - he won't be with me and he won't quite leave me alone either

i'm sticking this one up on the wall

[zig]

had my appointment w/ therapist today
she announce that i was a complete mess and depressed and that i need to focus on structure, distracting myself so as not to be obsessed with the sitch and to set some huge boundaries in place with H/

i am dreading and getting so cooked up about these 2 days that he is coming back between this trip he's on and the one he takes days later with s.

and today i realized that he has left where he was yesterday and is now with ow - and spending time with her until the 25 when he finally gets back here.

so there we have it - how did others on this board get out from the "obsessed" state ? i need help - and tools to figure out how to do this.

i'm also about to give up db'ing just because the hurt and pain is now getting so overwhelming that i can hardly bear it. and i know that i don't really want to do that, but i'm worried that i will slip up big time here in the next few days if i don't get my [censored] together - and destroy all the good work i've done these 7 months - especially for myself.

i know that all this comes from impatience and wanting answers and which way to do everything, and that there are none of those things. i need to find the strength within myself to stay the course

[Rick1963]

Lol zig I know but that wil hopefully keep your mind occupied. I have never ever had butter chicken. Want to try it. There is this one dude called Mach1 on the board Has great recipes also. So when u can share I love Indian cooking.

[zig]

okay rick , here goes with the butter chicken (grin) . i am suspecting strongly that you are trying to distract me from my morose state, and i thank you from my heart

Velvet Butter Chicken (Makhani Murgh) from Julie Sahni's Classic Indian Cooking

2/3 recipe Tandoori chix (i'll follow with that recipe)

3 c canned tomatoes in puree or 4 c fresh chopped tomatoes
4 green fresh chilies, seeded or 1/2 tsp red pepper
2 tbsp chopped fresh ginger root

blend these three to a fine puree

1 stick sweet butter - heat in pan and when foam subsides, brown chix pieces and remove them with a slotted spoon and set aside

add: 4 tsp ground cumin
1 Tbsp paprika and cook stirring rapidly over medium heat 10-15 secs.

add tomato puree mixture and cook uncovered until the sauce is thickened about 5-8 mins stirring constantly so it doesn't burn.

Add: 2 tbsp kosher salt
1 and 1/2 cups heavy cream
chix pieces +juices

gently stir everything, reduce heat to medium low and simmer uncovered about 10 until the the fat begins to separate form the sauce and a thin glaze appears on the surface. stir often very gently to make sure it isn't sticking on the bottom,

stir in : 1/2 stick butter
2 tsp garam masala
2 tsp ground roasted cumin seeds (optional)

turn off heat and let the dish stand covered for 1/2 hr before serving. reheat to serve and sprinkle

1/2 cup fresh minced cilantro leaves on top


Tandoori chicken

marinate chicken pieces (skinned) 2-2and1/4 pounds any combo in the following for at least 2 hrs or overnight (slash the chicken pieces with 3 diagonal slashes to the bone after skinning, but not the breasts - cut those in three)


2 large cloves garlic
1 tbsp chopped fresh ginger root
1 tsp ground cumin
1/2 tsp ground cardamom
1/2 tsp red pepper
1/3 cup plain very thick yoghurt

to cook - if using only breasts - i broil them on a rack in the oven (or on a bbq) . if using legs and thighs, i bake them covered in a pan at 350 deg for 20-25 mins and then stick them under the broiler on a rack to brown both sides - then you can use them in the above recipe


so - if you haven't cooked indian food before, it tends to be a tad bit more laborous than the usual stir-fry, but worth it.

i have no idea if you're into cooking, so ignore the following if you know quite a bit - the spices you can find in any indian store - and they are really cheap. or order them on line if you don't have one of those around. i wouldn't get them from a regular grocery store, because they will most probably be tasteless.

if you don't want to deal with making the marinade from scratch, i've often bought a ready tandoori mix marinade that you just dump in the yoghurt and add the chix. also ask if you don't understand what i wrote in the recipe - i did condense it quite a bit, hopefully not too much


i feel a bit goofy posting a recipe on this forum - but didn't know how else to do it. i guess it will be a nice change from my depressing posts!!

so this helped - if that was your secret intention - to distract me for a little while

thanks rick

btw i wasn't really sure what exactly you meant by:
"I know but that wil hopefully keep your mind occupied."

[ces67]

Hey Zig, reading through your last few posts. That is a lot to work through and you are brave for facing all of it. It can't be easy but I believe you will be better for it.

The movement away from being obsessed is like most things with DBing. It's not linear. It's part of the roller coaster. The things that can help are GAL stuff and enjoying friendships or making new ones. this isn't something that can be dealt with all alone. Use this board but at the same time, get out and enjoy the world. Find the things you love to do but forgot about or discover new activities to love.

But the main thing is make yourself do it rather than just consider it.

Take care...

[zig]

thanks ces - you are right

i am constantly adding things to my GAL and 180 list, and in spite of that just feel as if i'm trying to climb up a slope that is very slippery. i suppose that's what they mean when they say 1 step forward , 2 steps back.

i think that every once in a while i feel TERRIBLY discouraged, and lose sight of my goal and then lose it altogether - which of course points to the fact that i am not detached yet (sad smile) as if that was a specific goal, rather than a process

i know that the biggest thing that i am struggling with here, is that i've read all this DB'ing stuff but i don't really know how to apply it in this sitch in specific situations. i was really hoping to get more feedback here

i REALLY , REALLY understand about GAL'ing and i am working on it and i have followed the 37 rules even before i got on this board with a smile on my face, but where i get unnerved and really unsure is how to be with H - should i let him come and go freely as i have these last few months - he has definitely "warmed " towards me - but is that a good sign or is it that he just feels more comfortable with what he's doing. it has taken a toll on me, and now, when i want some space, i don't know how to balance it out so that s doesn't get deeply affected by it because of my needs.

i have validated him up the wazoo, have constantly let him know whenever i realize something that may have affected him deeply and i think i just hit that point where i'm not getting anything back, after trying so hard for so long, and the depression just hit

he is adamant that it's better if he doesn't come back because "look how well you are doing since i left" and that freaks me out .

i am doing better now - keep opening that window in my mind and tossing him out along with bundle of pain and then shutting the window tight. it sounds absurd but it is helping

thanks for taking the time to read my woes ces - much appreciate your calm words

hope you're well
zig

[zig]

journaling

felt more reconnected with s tonight - we played a game after dinner and then had a long tickling laughing session and i realized that these last few weeks we haven't done that and we had done that consistently for months. so am determined to do that everyday with him again - he is such a wonderful little soul and i must focus on him and myself more than just be so "self-involved" with my troubles.

so am feeling a lot calmer and focused now, also read through some more posts on the board and what all the wonderful people write here and advise motivates me to stay on the path that i've chosen and i feel more determined once again to stay the course.

letting anger and resentment start to take over is a slippery slope for oneself - it gets me nowhere but down at the bottom of a black hole, and i need to be up in the light , making my life as light and luminous as i possibly can

i'm determined to yank myself out of this depression - i won't let him do that to me on top of everything else going on. my roller coaster ride right now is a bit too violent and i need to smooth out the course so it is more gentle...

[Rick1963]

Thank you Zig. I do things like that with myself to think of other things. There is more to life than our sitchs. I will try it and let u know how it came out. Next chicken tandury not sure of correct spelling.

[ces67]

i have validated him up the wazoo, have constantly let him know whenever i realize something that may have affected him deeply and i think i just hit that point where i'm not getting anything back, after trying so hard for so long, and the depression just hit

Yep, I completely get that and deal with it too. I realized this is a reminder that I am again placing expectations on others for my actions rather than focusing on what I expect of myself and for myself.

he has definitely "warmed " towards me - but is that a good sign or is it that he just feels more comfortable with what he's doing. it has taken a toll on me, and now, when i want some space, i don't know how to balance it out so that s doesn't get deeply affected by it because of my needs.

Again, think about if you are doing your actions for yourself or for your H's response. If its taking its toll on you think about what it is that is exhausting. If I had to guess (and I could be completely wrong) it may be that your expectations aren't getting met from H and therefor your efforts are exhausting you with no reward. What if your efforts were for yourself and you could see your own accomplishments in creating a better life for you?

i'm determined to yank myself out of this depression - i won't let him do that to me on top of everything else going on.

Read that line again. Its such a mind-shift but remember your H truly has no power over you except what you give him. Take back your own power and live your life.

You're really doing better than you think. You're digging deep and your opening up old wounds. That's the only way to clean out the infection and truly allow those wounds to heal. I just see in your words that expectations of your H is still a struggle for you. And that's OK. It is for all of us, me included. And just like the wounds, you just have to recognize it more each day and that helps to change those expectations to something much healthier.

And as the wounds heal, you may find that you are more free than ever to give and love becuase you've been able to fill your own life up with positives.