Hi Zig - well thank you for your lovely compliment I have my moments of panic for sure, but I try to keep myself as balanced as possible. The coach I am talking to is pro-relationship/marriage. I am ever so blessed to have found him, so I very much appreciate his guidance. He suits me well because I do believe in universal powers, and so does he (not necessarily on a religious level, although that is perfectly fine if you do) You could believe in God, or 'the universe' or "The Light" - whatever suits your beliefs. Even if not spiritually inclined, I would imagine that atheists believe that their inner selves guide them - but I'm not sure about that. Anyway...
On Monday, I got an email from my husband that I found very distressing. I emailed him to offer some support and to offer to see him. He said no, and I felt rejected. Bear in mind, I have offered time and effort to him in the resent past since the S and he has tended to turn it down. So, I have since stopped entirely, but this last Monday my humanity instinct just kicked in and I offered.
So, my coach recommended a few exercises:
- EFT tap on the feelings of rejection. I did and it did work well! If you need the EFT points, youtube has a ton of them. EFT works with all kinds of emotions - despair, hopelessness, worry, anxiety etc. It's free and it's easy!
- Also, that my H is not rejecting me; that his brain is reacting the only way it knows how- he's trying to empower himself in a dis-regulated state. His wounded self is speaking not his "higher self". He feels threatened by his own confusion of wanting to be with you and yet not being able to handle things from a stress perspective.
That reframing just helped my own brain cope better and thus feel more compassionate - which helps with any future interactions.
- Generally, try to reframe things and soften my own interpretations of what I am doing. So, instead of me saying things like "I'm backing off" it can be reframed as "giving space for the universe to work this out". Instead of, "I'm throwing in the towel", another reframe could be: "I'm going to give myself time to allow this relationship to have a chance to heal and myself to find balance".
This helps to allow the space we need to enter, without making any solid YES or NO cutthroat decisions.
Traditionally, I've been a 'yes or no' kind of person, mainly because I just like to get things done. However, this process has really been teaching me the value of patience and trust, and letting go of my control. So, in a crazy way, I'm in gratitude. I wish I could have learned these lessons in a different way, but if this is the way, then so be it. I figure that if I don't learn about this now, later on something else will come my way that will force the lesson on me.
Just checking in. Not much is happening at the moment. I feel a bit sad today, and I really miss my H. We used to watch DVD's on a Saturday and now it's my and my cat. I just miss doing the little things with him. That's all.
Just checking in. Not much is happening at the moment. I feel a bit sad today, and I really miss my H. We used to watch DVD's on a Saturday and now it's my and my cat. I just miss doing the little things with him. That's all.
Hi YC
I hear exactly how you are feeling, been feeling the same way myself the past couple of days. When you miss the little things, that seem so huge. Some days you think that, just one genuine hug & a 'how's your day'? would be like winning the lottery. Sometimes I feel like asking this person who is pretending to be my W to take off, so that we can pull ourselves together and be happy.
This is hard, but it's so worth it. I know that deep down for me it might be a long shot my W giving our M another go, but I'd take those odds over any sure thing with anyone. I wish someone would have given me the DR book as a wedding present now - seriously!!
YC - keep the faith, keep your MC going and keep believing. I'm going to keep believing that it will happen and that we get that second chance to be happy with our WAS's.
Every day is different & you never know what tomorrow will bring - stay positive - you're doing great!!
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Thanks Bill. I really needed to hear that. I definitely feel the emotions of the situation today and yesterday. You are right, it's the little things that are the most memorable.
Glad I could help, you're so right about the little things. Sometimes it's good to share these things, just so you know you're not the only one feeling the way you do.
My little girl has just made me LOL she was telling me about ancient Egyptians and said, "you learn something new everyday, you've learned 2 things. So you can have tomorrow off"
Thought I'd share that with you
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Today, I just felt it was time to call my H. I held off and didn't do it. I wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons. So, I let time pass. I went to see a couple of properties (I'm looking to move), and I nearly fell in love with one. It is much smaller than where I live now, but I do need back into the city so I expect that much. But finding the right spot is always the trick. Today I may have found it. Anyway, I realised then that with all our stuff, I would then need to talk to my H to discuss how to sort that out.
So, I called him to talk about all the practicals - and in the end we talked for about an hour about just about everything else but. It was a VERY pleasant and comfortable conversation, and we caught up on everything that has happened in the week. All the various bits and pieces. I have been missing him terribly, so it was so nice to connect.
We briefly talked about Easter and what we would be doing with it. I will be with my parents. He mentioned he might go see his mother, but he couldn't decide. I just asked if he wanted to, and he truly hadn't decided. So, I just left it. This is a good 180 for me because in the past I would have discussed it at length - all the pros and cons and so forth (my control issues coming out). So, I didn't step in at all this time, and just thought to myself, "It's his life, his decision." I was very proud of myself that I didn't let myself be triggered.
The thing I worry about the most is that from the beginning of our S, he's been saying he wants to be friends. We've always been very good friends - the best of friends. This was a very friendly conversation. No romance or any form of sentimentality - other than us talking about our cats. So, I feel a bit strange because I don't want to be falling in the friends only category. Am I wrong in having that fear do you think?
PS - he did initially ask if I would be moving to his neighborhood BTW. I thought that was kind of sweet. I also mentioned I would have liked for him to be there at the property since he has a good eye for these things (and he does!). He liked the compliment.
The thing I worry about the most is that from the beginning of our S, he's been saying he wants to be friends. We've always been very good friends - the best of friends. This was a very friendly conversation. No romance or any form of sentimentality - other than us talking about our cats. So, I feel a bit strange because I don't want to be falling in the friends only category. Am I wrong in having that fear do you think?
Nothing wrong with your fear. Eventually you do not want a 'friendly' relationship with your H.
But again, don't be alarmed. It might start with friendship. So that is a start. When things seem to be getting better, you can always make your expectations clear that 'friendship' is not what you seek eventually.
YC: your R with your H seems like mine with my W. My W was strong too and i just like your H. Except in my case, it was my W that filed, causing me to really take a good look at myself.
I think that your H must eventually become strong emotionally. Then he would start feeling good about himself and secure in his R with you. Right now he is very insecure in the R and that is why he is 'running' away.
How he would get to that point...Not sure. It needs to come from within himself or with him seeking some help.
Seems like the root is your H insecurity of lack of confidence. If this is not addressed and if he comes back, you guys could be on the same boat again.
Yup, you are doing good on your control issues. He could be seeing this rethinking his actions.
Good luck!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I have my moments of panic for sure, but I try to keep myself as balanced as possible. The coach I am talking to is pro-relationship/marriage. I am ever so blessed to have found him, so I very much appreciate his guidance. He suits me well because I do believe in universal powers, and so does he (not necessarily on a religious level, although that is perfectly fine if you do) You could believe in God, or 'the universe' or "The Light" - whatever suits your beliefs. Even if not spiritually inclined, I would imagine that atheists believe that their inner selves guide them - but I'm not sure about that. Anyway...