Thanks for the feedback, friends. I think I have a generally good head on me at the moment regarding where my attitude needs to be and what my next steps are. I am hopeful that w and friend can iron things out - I know our friend wants to. If not, well - I get that conclusion too.
Sandi - I have not looked past all the good that has happened at all. I am incredibly shocked and happy that I am where I am right now. I think the identification of issues is just my way of fine-tuning a bit and making sure I have all things in proper perspective right now.
The three of us had dinner last night again - yet another good time. No talk of D, R or anything else. Just catching up some more. W dropped me off back at the house and as I was walking into the garage shouted out "love you!" from the back of her car. That was a great way to wrap up the night.
Crimson
that is HUGE....
not to throw a wrench anywhere but has anything legal happened or are you staying silent on that and hoping it gets Un-done? I'm thinking that's the path but don't recall.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So we already have 1 rental property (her old condo) and I think in the current mortgage marketing getting a THIRD mortgage while we lease two homes in almost impossible. The best that I can tell her is that I am pretty sure that is not the house we are going to die in, so we won't be there forever. For the short term, next few years or so, there may me no real way out.
Oh come on, Crimson. What's more important in the long run? Losing thousands of dollars to the current housing market (which is recovering) or finding somewhere where you, your wife and S might be able to live together feeling safe and secure with a fresh start.
Money is replaceable, safety and security are not.
I may be saying this based on my own past choices, but my W said the identical thing about not feeling safe or secure that she could EVER move into our old house. I asked her if she thought remodeling the house might be enough or not. She said, well, yeah, maybe, hmmm I'd have to see. I thought about it and decided it was much more important that I look out for my W the way I hadnt before. We bought a new house. During the piecing period before we got the house, I would go to her apt to hang out and sleep ~50% of the time or so. She only set foot in our old house twice and for only about 10 minutes each time.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Yeah, LA - if my wife was shouting out "I love you!" from the back of her car I would HOPE that I was back there with her!
Crimson
Uhh, yeah, I was wondering if you HAD been in the back of the car with her prior to that. LOL.
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
25 - Please see my editorial note - my S said "Love you" not W. Typing error on my part. Or perhaps Freudian wishful thinking?
Sandi - Was going to mention and forgot. The mutual female friend that we share that w isn't happy with is a married lesbian. My w has nothing at all to fear there.
Busto - I am trying to prepare myself mentally if that is what is going to have to occur. Won't like it, but would probably do it.
She has something to fear there even if you don't agree that it's legitimate. The fact is that W objects to this friend. Why?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Sandi - Was going to mention and forgot. The mutual female friend that we share that w isn't happy with is a married lesbian. My w has nothing at all to fear there.
Okay. Wife might not have jealously from a sexual insecurity where friend is concerned. However, until W feels secure in the MR, she will be very sensitive to any R's that take more of your time & attention than what you're giving her. Now, don't blow this out of the water. B/c once she feels she "owns" first place in your heart/life, then she will begin to mellow out. But since this was a very big issue for her, then it seems to me that you would need to be cautious.
Quote:
She has something to fear there even if you don't agree that it's legitimate. The fact is that W objects to this friend. Why?
I'm with Adinva here.
Speaking as a former hurt WAW who use to never feel first place with my H, I just want you to understand how critical it is that she sees you are willing to cut your time with others (or maybe even cut the friendship with particulars)...if she has a problem with any.
Even though she said you could still hang out with this mutual friend, in her heart she really wants to hear something like...."Honey, I hate to lose this friend but if you can't be friends with her...then that's good enough for me, too".
Your W wants to see where you place your loyalty. That will be a healing suave for her. In time, she might be able to pick up that friendship again.
BTW, are these things you mentioned just issues you're thinking about, or did you & W discuss this when you were sitting outside?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Maybe it's beating a dead horse as the friend issue has been gone over with a fine toothed comb...
I do want to share though, that your W could see it as, and you could in some ways, be involved with this friend as an EA...
My W became very emotionally attached to a gay work friend. He was one of whom I would have considered an EA. Sending "ILY" messages, hanging out with him in their hotel rooms in less than modest clothing and having "girl talk"... things that transitioned her emotional involvement from me, to him... in the same way that her female BFFs (one specifically) were also, to some degree...
