You've been married 12 years and hope to turn things around in 1-3 weeks? Really?
No, I hope to earn a chance to work things out. I don't think its right or normal to just walk away from 12yrs and 3 kids.
[quote]Why did you do this? Not a challenge, just in your own mind, what were you trying to accomplish? Was this a way to fix your marriage?
She said it was OK, I didn't feel wanted at home. I was hot happy with wife either. I didn't get love or affection back and I thought I put a lot into marriage. When your 38yr old wife ignores you and a hot 22yr girl over over you is difficult to turn down. Wife had already mentioned a separation and (seemingly) suggested a open marriage. I don't think the reality had hit me. I realize it was a big screw up. There was not a goal, it was more about fun. Wife never wanted to go out the only thing she had asked for was space. I've apologized, wife does not act like this was a big deal. I cut off relationship, it was just the one evening of dancing no sex.
Quote:
What did she do to try to be a "better wife"? How do you define better wife?
What she did: Sex once a week. Me: Romance and emotionally there, happy, spending time together, maybe a vacation
There were some more "good mornings" etc. Previously a lot more mornings I would go up and give her a kiss and tell her I loved her and would not get much response. Medically she has some issues and is tired (and moody) a lot. I took a lot of it as being physically exhausted
Quote:
How could you be a better husband? A better you?
I honestly don't have a great answer. I was always caring, loving. Increase efforts to do thing like cook and take kids away. She did not seem to respond to suggestions we take a weekend trip with kids or have date nights. I started working out and dressing better.
Quote:
she constantly “needed a break” before and I never took them on my own. In my defense, I didn’t but it was hard for me to handle a baby and two young kids by myself.
Really? What exactly is your defense?
Well, I did do it a lot.... dinners and taking kids to park, etc. Just not as much as she wanted, she could sleep 15 hours a day if she could. Obviously something I would change. I guess she did not make effort for me so I did not make effort for her. I lot of things I would change... I've owned up to them with her. I've been super-dad lately, but even before I was more involved than most men are. If we go to a family gathering with her family its usually ME out playing with all the kids (mine and nephews... her family, brothers, drink... her laying down for a nap. I realize I may be better off with a divorce... but I hate to do it to kids and really want my wife to try.
OK, here is a update. I think this is a lost cause and wife is over the edge mentally.
My wife is under unbearable stress and just wants to run away as fast as possible. Its difficult for me to understand b/c hasn't blamed me much, and I have not been difficult (never touched or even raised my voice at her), but me talking about fixing things is a big problem for her so I stopped doing this. There was a note left on the counter (acidently by her), when I was cleaning up last night I saw it. Its probably something the kids found and put there? She had a list of "untrue" things that I did:
I called her boss and told her that my wife was mentally ill - (I have never called her boss)
Bugged her cell phone (I don't even think this is possible)
Continuously calling her family members to tell them she is ill (I texted her sister once to tell her I was concerned for her and wanted advise on how to help, she never called me back)
I have a tracking device on her vehicle (Not true... but I think this is based on me taking a half day one day last week and she was home asleep when I went home... and she thinks I went home because I knew she was home).
I've heard from others that she is telling them I am threatening to take the kids from her. We haven't even discussed custody much. I've said anything other than I am concerned about how custody will work out.
I don't think I have a option now other than to be supportive when I can, always nice and calm, and try to protect my kids and myself legally.
Your W doesn't feel safe in your relationship. What she is saying, her behavior, and her list all indicate that she doesn't feel she can be herself and be accepted.
I would guess that she feels you have unrealistic expectations for her that she can't live up to. Over time that has dragged her down more and more and she's finally given up. She probably feels you always want more from her, and nothing she gives will be good enough.
I'm not saying this is rational or necessarily your fault. She could feel inadequate by comparison, she could read things into your comments that you didn't mean, etc., but the point is, she feels like you want more from her than she can give.
Forget about fixing this in 1-3 weeks, that's not going to happen, and also try to avoid your catastrophic thinking -- that's a normal place to go when you're panicking, but it doesn't help. You need to slow way down and give her space as others have said.
Your longer term challenge will be accepting her as she is without expecting more or different -- you'll need to give up your "good wife" yard stick and determine for yourself if the wife she is is good enough for you.
You have trained her how to think about you, the relationship, and herself in the context of the relationship. That training took place over 12 years or more. Those perceptions and beliefs can't be changed by talking, nor can they be changed quickly. Training like that creates neural pathways in the brain that form "routes" for our thoughts and feelings. She needs to break down those pathways and build new ones, and that requires "retraining", which requires consistent behavior on your part over a long period of time.
You did not make things worse by giving space, you made things worse by getting caught kissing a 22 year old in a club. When you give space, or act significantly differently in any way, it will be hard for both you and your W. People don't like change, so when change starts to happen, you will both resist it. People often conclude that the pain they feel from change resistance means that their changes are making things worse. That's not true, you need to stick with your changes until you get through the resistance period. It WILL be worse before it gets better. You and W will get along worse when things change -- you'll only make things better if you stick with it and be consistent.
Do not view whatever date you are concerned with as "armageddon day" -- it's just a date on a calendar. Your efforts to repair your relationship and improve yourself will move along on their own schedule, and will take much longer than you expect. Surrender to the things you cannot control, and focus on the things that you can -- namely you.
Good luck Chris, I know you're hurting. Recognize that you are panicking and that is not helping. Slow down.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I don't think I have a option now other than to be supportive when I can, always nice and calm, and try to protect my kids and myself legally.
This is always a good stance.
I tried to bring it up delicately. We've talked a bit... I told her she seemed to change when she went from taking anti-depressants to another class of meds (its for joint paints but depression and mood swings are on the symptom list). I tried to dance around it. She has prescripted meds from a physc nurse practitioner relative (which I think is inappropriate). That person will not answer my calls (called twice)... and sent them text saying I was concerned for wife and wanted to discuss it with them... they called wife instead and she was pissed. That is the extent of it. She went from just " I don't love you and want to separate" to a lot of anger, hate, and now paranoia.
Also there is the possibly that wife is getting off anti-depressants because she knows it will be a custody issue... and getting off them is causing her to go downhill mentally.
So for her complaint "Continuously calling her family members to tell them she is ill", you said that you only texted her sister once, but above you say that you called her other relative twice AND sent a text about her mental condition. I guess that's where that complaint came from.
You can't fix whatever mental issues she has, nor can you own them -- she needs to do that. Continuing to pursue that with her and around her only underscores that you do not accept her as she is, that you think she needs to be fixed, and that you think you can fix her. Back off on that.
It is perfectly appropriate to care about the ones we love and want to help them, that's a normal and admirable thing to do -- you just can't do it now.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I think you are so right... your post helps a lot. Thank you for the time and thought you put into it. I guess the problem is that I can not just let her go. We talked about separating and splitting kids and peacefully splitting assets, then the next day her family insists she go through an attorney. I made an offer right away, and her attorney has done nothing to suggest or contact me regarding a deal for close to 5 weeks now. Leaving involves major financial issues and custody of the kids. Unless she outright decides to leave on good financial terms and do 50/50 custody its going to be a war in court that surely will end us for good. I've offered to settle and offered her over 50% of marital assets already.
FWIW, if you texted my sister, texted another family member and called the family member twice, I might think you were continuously calling my family to talk about me too -- I would think that these were the only incidents I know about, I'm sure there are more I don't know about. If you're running around behind my back talking to my family about me, what else are you doing behind my back?
Maybe that's not paranoia, maybe that's just a reaction to what you're doing.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
So for her complaint "Continuously calling her family members to tell them she is ill", you said that you only texted her sister once, but above you say that you called her other relative twice AND sent a text about her mental condition. I guess that's where that complaint came from.
Accuray
I was very close with her family. See them weekly, etc.. hang out with them, go on family vacations with them. Usually see them twice a week. In the last 5 weeks I texted her sister once (she is one prescribing meds to wife) and called her mother twice. I did not suggest she was ill to her mother, but I did indicate that I wished she would consider marriage counseling. Before this I communicated fairly regularly with them.
